


Dinner in the Sky

by MardyBum394



Category: Original Work
Genre: Bookshop, Comfort/Angst, England (Country), Eventual Romance, F/M, Friendship/Love, Harry Potter References, Male-Female Friendship, Unrequitted feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-25
Packaged: 2020-06-28 02:48:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 45,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19803160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MardyBum394/pseuds/MardyBum394
Summary: “Well, you know my parents, we are all a bit emotionless. I’m not really gifted in that department,” he shrugged without looking at her.“Yeah, I figured as much,” Maddie said, not unkindly, and felt a small smile appear on her face.“So I’m sorry if I’m, like, rude sometimes, yeah? I try to be polite, it just doesn’t always play out so well,” he looked at her and she nodded, her smile not faltering. “But seeing as you are still around, I should be not that horrible, eh?”Or Juls, an owner of a small bookshop with a complicated family relationship and trouble with emotions, meets an art student Maddie, who wears her heart out on her sleeve. Where do they go from there?P. S. Shameless Harry Potter references, because why not, eh?:)





	1. Chapter 1

Juls locked the bookshop and sped down the street with his shoulders hunched high: it was raining. Thankfully, he reached the bar before he was actually soaking wet. He was meeting Neil, his best friend, as he did any other Friday. He found him already at the table with two pints and a bowl of crisps.  
"Alright, mate?" Juls asked, dropping in a chair opposite him.  
"Fine," muttered Neil, barely sparing him a glance.  
“How did the week go?" Juls asked, determined to lul him out of the condition, which occupied his friend lately.  
"Alright," Neil shrugged.  
"You know, you could be a bit more eloquent?"  
That made Neil chuckle, albeit begrudgingly.  
"Sorry mate. I just-"  
"Can't get over it?"  
"I guess."  
"Oh, come on. You did fuck up, but it's not like she was the only girl out there, was she?"  
"Well, you can't judge really well, can you? You never even had a girlfriend."  
"Yeah, but mourning over a relationship for a few months is a bit too much, eh?"  
"Piss off."  
They fell silent, Neil determinedly looking at everything and anything that wasn't Juls. Juls wanted to punch him and to leave him alone. He was sick of him being sulky — they hadn't had a proper night out in months; but, he reasoned, one cannot find a friend who is always fine.  
"Any plans for a vacation this summer?" he asked then, just as Neil snatched a handful of crisps out of the bowl.  
"Nah. Don't feel like it."  
"Of course you don't."  
"Stop it, mate."  
"Then stop being such a cunt."  
"I'm not a bloody cunt, alright?" Neil gripped the table top and leant forward. Juls swallowed his beer, looking unimpressed.  
"Well, you surely act like one."  
"Fuck off," Neil jumped to his feet and was out of the bar before Juls even looked at the doors. Well, that was bound to happen one day, he thought. Maybe his mate will stop being such a dick now?  
Juls finished his beer, grabbed a few more crisps and left the bar, catching the first bus home. When he entered the flat, he heard his gran call from her room:  
"Is it you, Juls, dear?"  
"Yeah, it's me," he undressed, throwing his wet hair out of his face and went into the kitchen.  
"Why are you back so early? Neil couldn't make it?" he heard her approaching and turned around to see his gran in the doorframe, wrapped up in a very old dressing gown, which he remembered from his childhood.  
"You know how he is these days," he said, staring at the contents of the fridge. "Anyway, what about dinner?"  
His gran chuckled and shuffled into the room.  
“Always so hungry, aren’t you? Go on then, wash your hands, I’ll serve it up.”  
He sometimes thought he could recite their conversations from memory. Same thing every day, but he couldn’t say he didn’t enjoy it. He entered his bedroom and spotted Sirius on his bed, sleeping as always.  
“Move over, you sleepy head,” he murmered, prodding the dog to wake him up. Sirius gave a great yawn and sprang off onto the floor, sitting down and looking at Juls with mild interest. “You know, you are too young to be that lazy?” he asked his dog while changing into more comfortable clothes. “Like, you shouldn’t be sleeping all day, buddy. Maybe you are sick? Wanna go see a doctor or summat?”  
Sirius just blinked at him, once, twice, and Juls sighed. The dogs didn’t talk, he reminded himself. And Sirius wasn’t exceptional. Food, though. That they always agreed upon.  
“Reckon gran has any bones for you?” he asked, opening the doors into the corridor. Sirius gave one last huge yawn and went out of the room, slow and unbothered.  
Juls stepped over him and entered the kitchen, where gran was placing a huge pie in the middle of the table.  
“Mmm,” he sniffed the air like a pup, “is that my favourite?”  
“Maybe,” she smiled at him. “But you still have to wash your hands.”  
“Right.”  
They ate and listened to each others’ days; Juls told her about the the customers that bought all the books on coffee he owned; she told him about another book she finished that afternoon. It was warm and comforting, her cooking, her stories, her sympathies. Juls looked at her, as she was reciting something from the book, and wondered, how could she be so different from her daughter — his own mother. Juls didn’t think of her as that though. His gran was closer to him than Olivia could ever be. He grew up in this very flat, and moved here completely when he was 12, after his parents’ divorce, that is.   
Olivia never had time for him — only work, work, and work. Come to think of it, she never had time for anything else. She was a talented mathematician, that much was obvious, but she was an extremely incapable mother. They didn’t even talk properly anymore. If Juls was honest, he didn’t know if she’d even greet him, if she saw him in the street. She was always so cold, so distant, so guarded.   
How did his dad even manage to have sex with her and make Juls? Seeing that he was the only child, he thought that was a one time affair. He sometimes wondered if his father married her out of pity. Or maybe she became pregnant with Juls and he couldn’t be that dad, who’d leave his kid behind? Or did he pity Juls, and feared what could become of him had he left? Anyway, the truth held that Juls wasn’t close to his father either. Though somewhat closer than to his mother.  
So he lived with his gran for over a decade now; she was the one to bring him up; she was the one to show him literature, and the one to pass her bookshop over to him, now that she was too old to run it on her own. Juls never knew his grandfather, but she often said he was a good man, who died too young, and he had no reason to distrust her.  
He sometimes thought, how would his mother turn out had she had a father? or had she been not a genius, but a normal person? And why did gran never taught her how to be a mother? As far as Juls was concerned, gran had plenty of skills in the area. He thought sometimes that maybe gran expected her daughter to be an artist, or an actress, or a singer? After all, Olivia was not a name for a top math professor. He thought he never met a person whose name contradicted their character more. When he read about Olivias they were all feminine, artistic, and human.   
His mother was a robot. Her voice calm and distant, her moves small and rigid, her gaze always calculating. Never warm, never caring, never loving. He thought back to his childhood, to those rare moments when he’d be home and see his mother. See her sitting there with her notebooks and pencils and calculators; with her dishevelled hair and thick glasses. How he would ask what was for dinner, and she’d ignore him, absorbed in her work. How he’d repeat his question, and she’d just look at him, silent. How he would grab her shirt and tug to get her attention, and how she would just remove his hands, never harsh nor gentle, her hand just there, and go back to her scribblings. How he would wander around the flat, wait for his dad to come home, to cook, and play with him half heartedly. How they would all go into separate rooms at night; how he would turn and turn and turn in his bed, never comfortable, never calm. How he would phone his gran in the morning and ask her to take him back to the bookshop with her. How he’d promise he would be quiet and behaved. And she would come and take him home, her own daughter never even looking up at her. How gran would wipe her tears on the way to the shop, regretting the genius she brought up. How gran would sometimes break down and say it was all her fault — that she paid too little attention to her in childhood, when she had to work hard to scrape for a living, because grandfather was already gone; that she was never affectionate with her Olivia; how she was always just so tired from work and came home only to sleep, and Olivia would have to cook and clean and do her school work all on her own. And Juls would never understand, he would just stand there, trying to comfort his crying gran, his rock, his only close person. And she would hug him close, and apologize, and then cook him his favourite pie, and kiss him goodnight, and cook him breakfast, and wash his clothes, and ask him how he was doing at school, and just care about him.  
“... but you are always so skinny, dear,” he heard his gran say now. He blinked at her, having lost the train of their conversation.  
“Sorry, what did you say?”  
“I said, that no matter how much I cook, you are always so skinny, dear. It’s not healthy, I think you should see a doctor.”  
“Come off it, gran, I’m not skinny. I’m alright. I’m just too tall,” that was true. Juls could never find a bed that would fit his 6 feet 2 into it. He had to sleep curled up all the time.  
She sighed.  
“But girls won’t like you so skinny, dear. You should be strong, or no one will look at you,” she said it with a kind smile, and Juls found himself smiling back. The truth was, he never had a girl. Didn’t feel the need to. That didn’t bother him, but it seemed to be right there on the top list of his gran’s concerns. She thought he should have been married at his old age of 25. Or at least, you know, go out with someone.  
“Well, as long as I can eat you food, gran, I’m fine,” he stretched up as she chuckled again. Juls stood up and picked up their dishes. He turned the tap on and asked her: “Do you need any help around the house today?”  
“Not really. Only if you want to change that light bulb in the corridor? I think it is a bit too dim in there. But it’s not urgent.”  
“Alright. Thanks for the dinner,” he smiled as she exited the kitchen.  
“You are welcome, dear, always welcome,” she said quietly and went to her room, that was just as small as his own.  
The next day, Saturday, didn’t bring much until well past noon. He received a text from Neil,  
“care for a bike ride, you dick?”  
Juls snorted on his bed and typed out,  
“same place same time?”  
He got ready in no time and left to get his bike from the garage. He took his bike out and drove to meet him on a deserted road right outside the city. Neil greeted him with a barely there smile and they started down the rode at once, rising dust clouds.  
Juls drove into the setting sun, which cast everything around him in yellows and oranges. His thoughts tangled with Neil, who was driving right in front of him. He has been quite gloomy lately, all due to his break up. See, he fucked it up. He had a girl, who went out with him for a few years, they were full on dating and planning their future, and everything else the couples do. And then he met another one — love of his life, he told Juls. Not that Juls particularly got him, but he could try and empathise. And so Neil started seeing the other girl, secretly; that is, until he walked out on his first one. Just like that, he left with the “love of his life”, who, obviously, dumped him a month later. So there Neil was — no relationship, his old girlfriend of two years miserable, his sisters judging him, he himself lost, so very lost. Juls thought about him, and about how foolish he was to invest so much into a relationship. Was he blind? Couldn’t he see that he was putting everything into it? Isn’t that a bit reckless? Juls was bad at feelings, he knew that, he knew that he wasn’t able to really understand whatever it is that drove Neil so miserable these days, but surely, surely, even when the love of your life happens, your mind is still working?   
And so he drove and drove and drove, till they stopped in the same place again, having made a full circle. From that point Neil will turn left, and Juls would drive forward, the way he came. He felt like he needed to say something as a friend. But he didn’t know what to say. He knew Neil for a long time now, since before he started his elementary school. They lived nearby — that is, while Juls lived with his parents. Juls thought he was as close to Neil as it was possible for him to get. They drove bikes, they laughed, they drank beer every Friday — everything you look for in friend, right? Only that now Neil was miserable, and Juls really wanted to help, he did. He just wasn’t gifted in the feelings department. So he coughed to get his friend’s attention and said:  
“So, till Friday? Or you want to meet up earlier? I’m free whenever, mate,” here. He was a helpful friend, right? Confused, but helpful.  
“Nah, I’m fine. See you Friday, Juls,” Neil raised his hand instead of a wave, bit his thin lips and again, unsurprisingly, Juls saw only sadness in his deep blue eyes. His black hair was matted from the helmet, his usually round face sunken and oval. Juls thought that girls probably found him attractive, even despite his belly, though not with that expression on his face.  
“Good luck,” murmered Juls to ease the tension. Didn’t really help. Neil only nodded and was off just like that, disappearing into the night. Juls stood there, watching his retrieving figure, till his friend got lost among the buildings and was no more distinguishable than a torchlight.  
* * *  
Monday’s noon found Juls in his usual chair in the bookshop, comfortably reading another book by the light from the window. He raised his gaze when the doors opened, letting in a ray of sunshine. He spotted a girl in a bright yellow cardigan. She smiled at him sheepishly, when she noticed his stare, and went to the opposite wall to look at the books. Again, Juls found himself a bit irritated — the yellow colour kept catching his eye, and he couldn’t concentrate on the story. He took a sip of his tea and fished out a candy from the top drawer of his desk. He took a mental note to pop into a store and buy some more sweets — he was running out. He snatched the pencil from behind his ear and underlined the words in the book. “Sanity is not statistical”. He looked at the words, absorbing them, trying to make sense of them outside the story. It was when he was reaching for the second sweet that he heard a loud crack and a shriek.  
His head shot up and he saw the girl sprawled on the floor, his old bookladder and a few books by her side.  
“You alright?” he ran up to her and helped her up. The girl just nodded, straightening her skirt and looking at her feet.   
“Sorry, that I...” she gestured towards the books, but didn’t look up. “I’ll clean that mess up”.  
Juls just nodded and bent down to pick up the ladder. He leaned it against the shelves, while she crouched down and started stacking the fallen books up in her arms.  
“Can I help you?” he asked, uncertain, when she straightened up and looked at the empty places from which the books have fallen. He felt awkward talking to his customers. He usually got away with a greeting and a “thank you”.  
“Yeah, I mean, you are the head here,” she murmered and glanced at him quickly. He nodded again.  
“Erm, alright. If you would just give me the books, I could place them on the right shelf?”  
She handed him books one by one, and he started putting them in their respective places. When they were finished, Juls asked:  
“So which one did you want to get?”  
“The one up there,” she pointed with her finger and Juls noticed a stain on her wrist. She spotted his gaze and smiled shyly again. “Yeah, sorry, I’ve just had a class at uni, we were drawing. Didn’t notice that one. But my hands are clean, so I won’t spoil the books,” she hasted to add, and again, Juls nodded.  
“Tender is the Night?” he asked instead, and when she nodded, he grabbed it for her and handed it over. “Here you go. Anything else?”  
“No, that will be all, thank you,” she looked at her feet again, her bangs obscuring her face. She was hugging the book to her chest now, and Juls thought about how well she would have fitted into the book she wanted to buy. Her long flowy dress, her yellow cardigan, her brown wavy hair — she was a picture of the girl, very much so.  
“Alright, then it will be seven pounds twenty”, he gestured towards his desk and she followed him. Her rucksack was too big for her, and Juls thought that she probably carried her art supplies in it. She handed him the money, stealing a quick glance, which Juls simply ignored.   
“It’s cosy in here. Nice little shop”, she said almost to herself. Juls nodded.  
“Yeah, my gran had it before me, I’m just trying to keep it the way it is, you know?”  
“It’s lovely,” she said, as if she hadn’t heard him. Then, “thank you for the book, and sorry about,” she gestured to the shelves she fell by “this. See you?” she opened the door.  
“Bye. Enjoy the story,” he said, like he always did, as she closed the door.

* * *   
Maddie went home smiling that day. True, her body ached where it had hit the ground, but she couldn’t stop herself. The weather was just wonderful, was it not? The flowers, that were starting to blossom, the sun that was still delicate but already warming her skin, the kids in the streets after school, who kept running about, laughing, waiting for the end of the term. She kept hugging the book to her chest, looking around, just absorbing her surroundings.   
She smiled at her old neighbour as she reached her door and was met by Marcus the cat, very ginger and very lovely. Marcus was a young cat, but more than racing around her little flat, he loved sitting in Maddie’s lap, when she was typing away her stories. But today she had work to do before she could do anything else. And so she stroke him “hello”, left her rucksack on the creaking chair in her small sunlit bedroom and soon knocked gently on the Breakstors’ door. She was babysitting for the last two years for that family of five that lived right next to her. Paul and Cheryl were always friendly, from the moment she moved in, and when time came to look for somebody to entrust their two little girls to, Maddie was the obvious choice. They were running a restaurant down the street and after her classes at uni Maddie would come and see to them, so as to give Peter, their older son, some time to actually do his homework. It was Peter, who opened the door:  
“Hey princess,” he said every time, his brown hair dishevelled, his smile never faltering.  
“Hey there,” she said and smiled back. It was just one of the many qualities of Peter she liked — you could never fail to catch his happiness, that was just radiating off of him. That’s actually how they started talking — he was thirteen when she moved in, and Maddie was seventeen, fresh out of school, and very anxious. Peter was easy going since birth, or so Cheryl said, everybody adored him, and so Maddie fell to his charm also, and since that day, the day when he shot his football at her, they became the best of friends.  
“Madeleine, my pleasure,” he made a comical bow and gestured for her to come in. Maddie snorted and ruffled his hair before taking her shoes off.  
“Homework not driving you crazy yet?” she asked, remembering her own years at school.  
“Don’t ask, will you? I think I’m gonna marry my tutor soon. I swear, I see her more than I see my own reflection. Fuck,” he swore, when he stumbled over a shoe.  
“Peter! Don’t swear, the girls will hear,” she hissed at him, but he just rolled his eyes. “Tired?” she asked instead.  
“I’ve been up since morning with this- thingy, and the little ones were driving up the wall all day! I’m going nuts, princess” he whined and she smiled at him sympathetically.  
“It’ll be over soon, darling. One month before your A levels?” she squeezed his shoulder reassuringly, as he smiled at the pet name, nodding.  
“You do know no one uses ‘darlings’ anymore, don’t you?”  
“You like it still,” she raised her eyebrow at him and he just shrugged. “Would you like some tea, my darling?”  
“You are a lifesaver,” he even kissed her on the cheek and ran off to his room.   
She shook her head and went to greet the girls, before she proceeded to ‘save his life’, so to say.  
“Maddie!” the two girls squealed and ran at her, and she had nothing else to do but to crouch down and spread her arms wide.  
Mary and Cissy were two younger Breakstors, of three and five, and adored Maddie just as much as she loved them. She hugged them and whispered:  
“Kept Peter busy for me, didn’t you?”  
Mary nodded, and Cissy, the quieter of the two, looked at the ground, her little pig tails swinging side to side as she turned her little body left and right.  
“It was Mary’s idea, Maddie, I didn’t want to,” she said guiltily, and Mary gave out an “Oi!”  
“It’s alright, he is not really mad, he just needs time to study. He has exams coming, and it’s hard for him to concentrate. Alright?”  
They both nodded, even Mary looking a bit ashamed, and Maddie smiled at them.   
“How about we go bring you brother some tea?”  
The next few hours she spent out in the park with the two girls, giving Peter time to study. By the time they got back he was much better than when they left him. They drank some more tea, all four of them, and then, when Cheryl and Paul came back, Maddie bid them all goodbye and went back to her flat.  
Marcus lept and curled in her lap when she sat down at her desk, pulling the typewriter towards her. She sometimes felt foolish for using the old thing (technically though, it wasn’t really old — Peter gave to her for her birthday last August), but as cliche as it sounded, it put her in the mood for writing. Peter never grew tired of reminding her that he was the one who presented her with it, and Maddie always agreed, ruffled his hair and watched his face melt into that of fondness, if such an expression, pun intended, was possible.   
She discovered writing not so long ago, really. She had just entered her first year of uni and had just moved into that tiny sunlit flat, with yellowish walls and bright orange curtains on the only two windows. Everything was light and, well, lit in here; even on the rainy days she found herself dazzled with colour when she entered her only room. And yes, it was old and long wanting repairment, even four years ago when she first moved in, but it had a soul, she thought. And it was very cheap to rent, so.  
Her walls were littered with people — portraits she drew for classes and in her free time, which was so rare these days. The portraits, too, were colourful, bright blues and greens and caramels in the eyes, pinks and reds in the lips, blacks and whites and even violets in the hair. They all looked at her, vivid and lovely, just like she wished to feel.  
Her writings were not as good. She was trying hard though, often at the expense of drawings, which she did best. She often thought her works were very average, and because of using the typewriter she had a lot of trouble posting them online; so now all the drafts were stuck not so neatly on the windowsill, while a few better works were safely on her computer. But as it often happened to her, she found that in writing she looked not so much for the result, but for the feeling it gave her. It occupied her mind — coming up with characters and plots was no easy burden — and it made her feel artistic. She remembered also that when she started drawing portraits, they were pretty horrible, but at the time they seemed passable, and her art teacher never needed to see them; and so she drew and drew all those years, till she became excellent; till she managed to enter a university, where she would study art! Wasn’t that a sign of all her hard work?  
And so, she said to herself, it will get better. Her stories were bound to develop and become more engaging as time went on, right? In any case, Mary and Cissy found them interesting enough, and who cares if they weren’t going to school yet? Peter read a few, but Maddie didn’t know whether he was just polite or really liked them. That was the thing with Peter: he was never serious. He came one day and plopped himself down on her sofa-bed: it was raining outside, and so he couldn’t go play football with his friends; that was usually the time they would hang out. And so he sprawled on her bed, as she was typing on her laptop at her little desk, and asked:  
“What’s that you are writing? Summat for college?”  
“No, it’s...” she had trailed off and bit her finger. He raised an eyebrow at her. “I’m trying to write stories, you know. Just don’t laugh at me, alright?”  
His eyebrows went higher and higher, and by the time she finished her question he already got up and bent over her shoulder.  
“What would I laugh about, eh? Unless you are writing something funny?” he said, starting to read the beginning of the page. “Do you mind?” he gestured towards the screen, and she hesitated for a moment before picking up her laptop and handing it to him. They sat down on her sofa and started reading. She waited till he finished, giving him quick glances, as Peter scrolled through the only three pages, rolling his lip between his fingers and frowning. At last he looked up and smiled slowly.  
“Should I call you M. E. Lynwood now?”  
“What’s that for?” she asked, confused, and Peter laughed.  
“You know, J. K. Rowling, for Joann Katherine-”  
“Kathleen.”  
“Doesn’t matter. So, Madeleine Esme Lynwood, this is wonderful.”  
“Really? Or are you mocking me? Coz if you are...” she narrowed her eyes at him and pointed a finger at his chest. He snorted, which grew into a proper laugh.  
“No, for reals, Madds, I like it. I mean? not much has happened yet, but I’d love to read the whole thing when you are finished.”  
The thing is, Peter forgot the story, and now that more than a year has passed, he either was ashamed to admit it and ask to read it, or he really didn’t care all that much. But Maddie didn’t mind. She didn’t feel particularly comfortable sharing it in the first place, so that came as a relief. After all, he did give her the typewriter, so he did care about her hobbies, it’s just he wasn’t as interested. She sometimes wondered why they got along so well — she was always the indoors type, sitting in her room, drawing, writing or studying. Peter was always out, partying with friends, playing football, just sitting outside. He used to even study out in the park, till the homework became so vast that he just couldn’t carry that many textbooks down the stairs.  
She stroked Marcus behind the ears absent-mindedly as she stared at the blank page. Maybe today was not the day for writing? She stared at the page for a bit longer and reached for her phone, defeated.  
“Care for a walk outside?” she sent to Peter.  
“YES PLEASE”  
She smiled at her screen and gently raised Marcus to her eyes. She kissed him on his little nose and heard a knock on the door.   
“I’ll be back soon, I’ll bring you something tasty,” she whispered to the cat, as he looked at her, unimpressed. She kissed him again and placed him on her sofa. After making sure he had food on his plate, she finally slid her shoes on and opened the doors, only to find Peter scrolling through his phone.  
“How about we go to the park?” she asked, as they started down the stairs. “You’ve got any more homework to do?”  
“I don’t really think I’ll ever run out of it, to be honest,” he said with a pained expression, holding the doors for her. “Nice dress, by the way,” he nodded and she smiled. “A new one?”  
“Yeah, popped into a charity shop yesterday.”  
“Well, suits you nicely,” he put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her a bit closer. She folded her arms on her chest and leant into his side. She loved how easy it was for them to be affectionate, but never cross the line. She missed physical attention and Peter was always there, happy to hug. “What’s that?” he looked down at her wrist and Maddie followed his gaze. She had a bruise above her elbow.  
“Oh, yes, I forgot,” she chuckled. “I fell today at a bookshop.”  
“You fell at a bookshop?”   
“Hey, it’s not so funny. Was actually painful, you know.”   
“How did you manage to do that, anyway?”  
“Well, I went to this bookshop, I’ve only just spotted it when I was going home after uni, never noticed it before. I mean, I don’t take that road that often anyway, but the weather was nice, so I went there. And there was that bloke, just staring in his book, at the counter. I didn’t really want to disturb him-”  
“But he is there to be disturbed, isn’t he?”  
“Well, yes, but I just didn’t want to bother him. Don’t roll your eyes. And so there was that ladder, you know, to get to the higher shelves.”  
“Like in Beauty and the Beast?”  
“Yeah, I guess,” she chuckled. Of course Peter was a Disney fun. Maddie wouldn’t expect any less of him. “So I climbed it, but then I stepped onto the dress hem, lost my balance and flew down.”  
“Ouch. Did it hurt?”  
“Well, sort of, but nothing broke, so I was fine.”  
“And this not-to-be-disturbed grumpy became a prince and saved you?”  
She snorted.  
“Aha, sure, the wedding is tomorrow.”   
“Am I your best man then?”  
“I guess you are my bridesmaid. Wanna borrow a dress? I think blue would suit you wonderfully. Bring out your eyes and all.”  
They laughed as they entered the park and slowed down to see the spring bringing the nature to life. It was May, and the weather was getting better by the hour. They heard birds whistling away up in the thick trees, people walking down the paths, the trees getting greener as they looked. Maddie loved that time of year; the time when she new the term will soon be over, and she’ll have more time to write and draw; the time when she could go outside and enjoy the weather; the time to smile and to laugh. Peter squeezed her shoulder once, as he slowly pulled himself back together.  
“You know what? I’d be a hell of a bridesmaid. All the blokes would be mine.”  
“Shame you like girls, then.”  
“Ah, not my problem. Let them drool, princess, let them drool.”  
She snorted and they walked in pleasant silence for a while.  
“Hey, Peet?” she called and he looked at her, giving her shoulder another squeeze. “Got anything planned for the weekend?”  
“About a hundred hours of studying, but other than that, nothing at all. As free as a bird.”  
“Right,” she smiled gently. “I just thought, if your folks are going away for that Saturday party or whatever, right?” he nodded. “We could go on a picnic? If the weather is alright, that is. I think Mary and Cissy would love that. You up for it?”  
“Yeah, sounds cool. I’ll ask mum and dad tonight, shall I?”


	2. Chapter 2

Juls was carrying a stack of new books that arrived during the weekend to a corner behind his desk, when the doors opened and he looked over his shoulder. It was that girl again. The one that fell right there a week or so ago. Juls raised his eyebrows, and she just smiled.  
“Hi,” she nodded, and when he didn’t answer, she added, “I fell there last time, remember?”  
Juls couldn’t help himself and laughed breathily. He put the books onto the empty space on a shelf and said:  
“You were hard to miss. So you finished that book? What was it? Tender is the Night?”  
“Yes. I just wondered if this time you could recommend me something? I’m Maddie by the way,” she added as she came closer and stretched out her hand. Juls frowned but shook it. Why did he need to know her name?  
“I’m Juls. So recommend, eh? You have any genres in mind?”  
“Well, not really. I didn’t plan to come, to be honest, it’s just I was walking down this street again, because the weather is nice today again, and it’s very pretty in summer… Sorry, I’m rumbling.”  
“No, that’s…” he started, going for polite. Screw that. “Yeah, you were,” he finished and she smiled bravely. “So, maybe any authors you’d like to read?” he asked, folding his arms on his chest.  
“Well, not really...” she looked around at the shelves and Juls thought for a moment, that she was pretty annoying. Asking him for advice when he barely knows her? Is he supposed to be some sort of book-person matching thingy? “You know,” she looked at him again, and then at the floor, clearly embarrassed. “I’m… Erm… So I’m writing this story, a long one, and it’s a love story, so I wanted some inspiration...” she stole a quick glance at him, and Juls raised his eyebrows.  
“Are you a writer then?” he asked, his voice flat.  
“I wouldn’t say so,” she laughed short and breathily and peeped at him once more. “I’m only trying. I enjoy the process, like,” her cheeks were bright red by now. “I draw mostly, that’s what I’m good at, but I never really studied to be a writer or anything…” she trailed off again and silence hang between them for a moment. Juls felt like her uncomfortableness was sinking into him too.  
“So you have no one to comment on it? That’s what you are saying?” he asked, just to break the awkwardness. The girl, Maddie, looked relieved.  
“Yes. You know how it is. I do post sometimes on the internet, and people leave reviews, but they are always positive, so I don’t trust them,” she gave him a small smile and he felt his lips twitching at her last comment. “So yeah. That’s my problem,” she finished unnecessarily and stared at her shoes again. He felt like a teacher who was telling her off for some wrongdoings. He was definitely a tad older than her, he finished his degree a few years ago, but he wasn’t an authority to her. So he said,  
“I mean, if you wanted to, I could help?” he found himself saying, and he thought he looked just as surprised as she did, when she finally unglued her gaze from the floor.  
“Really?”  
“Yes,” he said, uncertain. “Yeah, you could bring something next time you come around. I haven’t had any practice for a long time,” that was true, he thought. After his graduation he didn’t really have a chance to work as an editor, although he enjoyed the job back at college. But he had a bookshop to run now.  
“Oh, dear, but this is wonderful! Thank you!” she looked like she could hug him, but caught herself just in time, much to Juls’ relief. “Thank you,” she nodded again and he nodded back. She was beaming at him for a few seconds, before he remembered why she came in the first place.  
“So, erm, do you still want to get something?”  
“Oh,” she looked around, as if only now realising where she was. “Actually, I think I’ll go. Can I come back with a story tomorrow? For you to look at?”  
“Yeah, sure.”  
“Nice! Till tomorrow, then,” she opened the door, letting the sun in again.  
“See you,” he said, already doubting his offer.  
What if the girl will be awful? She is hardly twenty, probably, still frying up in the skies, how can her writings be any good? Love story, he thought. How very typical.

The girl, Maddie, came at lunchtime next day with a bunch of papers hugged to her chest. She was smiling, even beaming at Juls, who found himself returning the smile just enough to be polite. She was always so bright, he thought. She wore a deep green sweater today, which, compared to Juls’ usual checked shirts, looked dazzling. She came up to the counter and hovered for a moment.  
“I hope I won’t disturb you now? I just thought I’d pop into at lunch time, coz then I finish late at uni today. But if you are busy I can come some other time? It’s just yesterday we didn’t specify.”  
Was she always ranting or was she just nervous?  
“It’s alright, no need to worry. I’m free. Only,” he said on second thoughts, as the girl’s, Maddie’s, hopeful smile faltered a touch, “maybe we better get outside? I usually get out at lunchtimes?”  
“Oh, yes, sure, of course,” she stepped back towards the door as he snatched his rucksack. She held the door for him, Juls feeling a bit embarrassed (wasn’t it supposed to be the other way around?), and they stepped onto the narrow street, now facing a flower shop. It was a cloudy day, not too bright and not too dimm. Something Juls would call perfect.  
“So there is a small park down the road, if you want to go there? There are benches there, we could read your stories comfortably,” he started down the road and looked at her, as she hurried to keep up, still hugging her papers to her chest. She just nodded, smiling again, and Juls thought that she was probably pretty with her hair in a plaid and those bright colours, that kept surprising him.  
“Have you,” she started and blushed, looking at her feet. Juls stared in front of him, not wanting to embarrass the girl any further. “Have you ever done this before?”  
“Help with writings?” he raised his eyebrows, and she nodded, sparing him a quick glance paired with an uncertain smile. “Yeah, at college we helped each other out. I have a degree in Literature, so I had plenty of practice at both sides,” he smiled politely at her, as they got out onto the main road. They stopped at the crossroads, waiting for the traffic lights to get green.  
“Oh. And what did you like more? Editing or writing?” now she looked at him full on, and he gazed into nothingness, thinking over her question. He answered only when they started crossing the road.  
“Both, I think. Though I don’t write that often. Nor do I edit, come to think of it. Haven’t had a good piece to work with for several years now.”  
“Really? How come?”  
“Well, after a graduated I started at the bookshop right away. My gran ran it while I was studying, but now that she is old, you know, she wanted me to continue.”  
“That’s very nice of you,” she smiled again, squinting her eyes a bit at the wind. Juls smiled back, nodding and pushing his glasses up his nose.  
“Thanks. But I always sort of knew it. And I enjoy a quiet life, so,” he shrugged and stared at his shoes. They were about to enter the park, and now there was silence around them, awkward silence. When they spotted a bench, Juls thought he had to make conversation. “So what about you? How did you come to writing, if you are an artist?”  
“Oh, yeah, that’s a good question. I guess I just enjoy the process, you know. Still exploring it though, but I think I can see some progress.”  
“And how long have you been writing?” they dropped onto the bench and she placed her pages between them.  
“For about three years. But I think at first it was utter rubbish,” she laughed, as Juls picked up her works and looked at the words. “You know, very cliche love stories and all. I hope I’m more interesting now,” she finished uncertainly.  
“Do you use typewriter?” he couldn’t keep surprise in of his words.  
“Oh yeah, my friend gave it me for my birthday last August. I really enjoy using it. I mean, laptop is fine, but typewriter just feels...”  
“More authentic?” Juls offered her a smile, glancing up as she stared in the sky.  
“Well, yes. Though Peter says I’m very hippie with it,” she laughed again and dropped her gaze on him. Juls looked at the papers.  
“So, what that will be?”  
“That’s my latest story. It’s a short one, about a little girl.”  
“Alright. Then I’ll just read and tell you what I think, shall I?”  
She nodded and turned away to look at the passers by, as Juls started to read. He could feel her glancing at him every now and then, see her biting her nails, hiding her hands inside the sleeves of her sweater. It annoyed him a bit, but she was quiet, and he could understand that she was nervous — especially if he was the only one she gave her works to read for criticism. He managed to concentrate, marked some places with his pencil, as she stared at the marks for a bit longer than normal. Finally, he nodded and looked at her. She looked at him with wide eyes and redder lips than he remembered — she was probably biting them as well.  
“So? Is it completely bad?”  
“No, not at all,” he said politely, and the girl exhaled with visible relief. “It’s alright. I mean, you not near a proper writer yet, but I think it has potential.”  
“Really? Maybe you have any suggestions of how I could improve it?”  
“Yeah,” he scooped a bit closer, so that she could see his remarks. “Here, at the beginning, I think you’d better...”  
She kept nodding as he was explaining her mistakes, and started making notes herself on the papers. Juls tried to be polite, he didn’t want to disappoint her, partly because she was probably the most sensitive person he’d had a chance to talk to and he simply didn’t know how he would deal with her reaction. But she seemed to take it well, frowning and nodding, sometimes timidly proposing solutions and smiling, if Juls thought them good. But they didn’t manage to get through everything, for when they reached the end of the first page, she looked at her watch and jumped.  
“Thank you so much, I just have to run to my lecture. Thank you again,” she said earnestly, looking him in the eye, and Juls just nodded.  
“No problem.”  
“Oh, also,” she said, retrieving a step back, for she already started running away. “Can I please have your number? I promise I won’t bother you for nothing, but in case I’ll need an advice or something, so I could text you?”  
“Oh, sure,” Juls frowned, but typed his number into her phone.  
“Excellent! Thank you!” that she shouted over her shoulder already.  
“Good luck at the lectures!” he called as she started running towards the main road.  
She probably didn’t hear him. Shrugging, he took his own rucksack and went towards the main road slowly, thinking over the story he just read and Maddie that ran away. He decided he liked her, even if she was a bit annoying. She was quite thoughtful, if her writings were anything to judge by. He thought that she probably came from a happy life. Had good friends, who didn’t fuck up their relationships, a good family, who weren’t science geniuses, probably a good job, that wasn’t just sitting in a barely visited building. He sighed as he unlocked the shop doors and stepped inside, smelling the books. He still had to sort out the newcomers, having placed them yesterday haphazardly. And the place could probably do with a good cleaning. Maybe if it didn’t look as dusty he would have had more customers? Though Maddie said it was lovely.  
* * *  
Maddie crouched down behind the sofa, listening intently. She could hear Peter walking around from one room to the other, looking for them all. Peter, Mary, Cissy and Maddie were playing hide-and-seek at the moment, thought Peter agreed to do only a few rounds, to have another one of his study breaks. Maddie felt her phone buzz against her thigh and swore under her breath, but when she saw who was texting her, her heart skipped a beat. That was Juls.  
“hey, Maddie. Yes, I think that would work”  
She stared at the words, confused, but then remembered that she had shoot him a question earlier this day, going through the marked papers at one of her breaks between lectures.  
“Thanks!:)” she managed to type before she saw a shadow hang above her.  
“Got you,” Peter smiled at her, holding Cissy, who was sitting comfortably on his neck and also smiling down at her. “Tell the love of your life he got you detected,” he nodded at her phone and Maddie rolled her eyes, but stood up.  
“Did you find Mary yet?”  
“Nope,” Peter whispered and tiptoed to the closet in the corner. “Aha!” he shouted, opening the doors; and sure enough, Mary squealed with laughter and jumped out of it. Maddie couldn’t help her smile.  
“Alright, princesses,” Peter looked around after he had set Cissy on the ground. “You reckon you could carry on without me?”  
“No-o-o!” Mary said at once and hugged him by the knees.  
“I have to study, love.”  
“You always study these days,” she pouted up at him and Peter sighed.  
“Alright. But just one more round, yeah?”  
“Ye-e-es!” Mary jumped and clapped her hands happily.  
Peter smiled fondly at her and then looked at Maddie, exactly when her phone buzzed again. His look hardened, and Maddie felt guilty when she reached for her phone once again.  
“no problem” was all the text said.  
“Sorry,” she whispered at Peter.  
“It’s alright,” he nodded. They walked into the corridor together, the girls somewhere else. “By the way, I think I have a free lunch period tomorrow. Wanna go grab something?”  
Maddie looked down and bit her lip.  
“Oh, you got lunch with that bloke again?”  
“We sort of meet at lunch hour every day?” she said, almost asked, and glanced up at him.  
“Right. Well, you’d better go hide then,” he nodded and ran off into the other room before she could say anything.


	3. Chapter 3

Maddie stood in front of the bookshop door at noon the next day, hesitant. Was her buying cakes too much an effort already? She realised she’d been standing with an outstretched hand for about a minute now, passers-by giving her curious glances. She told herself to not be so pathetic and turned the door handle, metal hot from the sun.  
“Hi,” she smiled before she saw him, and Juls raised his head from his book. He nodded.  
“Hullo,” he looked at her closer, and she briefly wondered if through the window he could see her standing outside for about a minute. He frowned. “Erm, what’s that in your hands?”  
“Oh, it’s a cake. I thought we might as well have some. You can say it’s my payment for you?” she smiled hopefully, but he merely nodded again, standing up.  
“I’ll make some tea then?” he said with no real emotion behind it and went to the corner with a kettle (can you even keep a kettle in a bookshop?). Maddie was left to just hover by the door, looking around at the books. Juls noticed her standing, and said: “Sorry, here, take a seat, please. We’d be more comfortable at the desk,” he nodded at the small stool that stood in the same corner, his hands busy with a tea bag and a milk bottle.  
“Thanks,” she muttered and took the stool without looking at him. Its sit was old and dark-red, and it looked like it was from a historical film she so liked to watch. She decided she liked it.  
There was silence but for the clanking of the teacups and the distant murmur of the street. Maddie put the two apple cake slices onto the plate he gave her. Then, he came back to his seat and handed her a tea cup.  
“Here you go. So, did you bring anything new you want me to look at?”  
“No, not really. I just thought we could talk a bit more about the one we did yesterday? I just had to run off, if you remember. And I’m sorry about that.”  
“No problem. Do you want any specific details?”  
“What did you think of it overall? You said it had potential, yeah?”  
“Well, yes, but it can be said about many works, you know.”  
“Oh.”  
“I’m not saying it was bad, but it wasn’t, you know, excellent. All the things we talked of yesterday, you should consider them, if you ever want to be published.”  
“I didn’t really think about it as a professional career.”  
“Really? Why not? If you work on it, it may be even publishable.”  
Maddie frowned. Was he doing it on purpose? Did he have to he so confusing? She sipped at her tea and said:  
“I mean, I’ll be over the moon if ever get to be recognised for my writings. Have you ever published anything?”  
“No, not really.”  
“Did you ever want to?”  
“I don’t think you have much chance when you are so young, you know. It’s not like they are going to look at your age per se, but a lot of it comes with experience.”  
“But do you want to?”  
“I guess,” he shrugged.  
“Sorry, if I’m intruding or anything, by the way. If it bothers you, you can always tell me.”  
“Oh, no, it’s not that. It’s just I never really considered it, you know. I like reading a lot more. Writing takes lots of time.”  
“But isn’t it worth it?” Maddie smiled and he gave her the first smile that day. She counted it as a win.  
“Depends on your life, I guess. Maybe you are a brilliant writer, but your current job brings you a lot more money for a lot less of an effort?”  
“Is it all about money though?”  
“Isn’t it?”  
“Well, depends on your life, I guess,” she smiled again, looking at her tea, expecting to hear a chuckle, but none came. When she looked at him again, he was just staring at her. “What?” she frowned, pulling her jacket closer around her shoulders.  
“Sorry,” he muttered, but didn’t elaborate. “I mean, of course there are things you cannot buy, or so they say. But when you are secure financially, it’s a lot easier to be happy, you know?”  
“But if you only focus on getting money into your life, you may lose everything else. I think relationships are a lot more important.”  
“But what if you have nowhere to live?”  
“If I have a best friend I can always ask them to stay at theirs.”  
“But if they say no?”  
“They won’t. They are my best mate, they can’t say no.”  
“Are you so sure in your friends?”  
“Well, I actually have only one, but yeah. We are always there for each other.”  
“If you say so.”  
“Don’t you have a best friend?”  
“I do. I guess we are just not as close.”  
“Oh. Right.”  
There was silence, and Maddie felt suddenly foolish. She couldn’t even say why exactly though.  
“Erm, right, maybe we could continue with the pages we didn’t get through yesterday?” she said, breaking the awkwardness.  
The rest of the lunch hour was spent discussing her story. Maddie tried to grit her teeth, but it still hurt. Though Juls said that the mark of a professional was understanding their works are not perfect. Well, she thought, she knew that much. But it was a lot easier said than done. When the clock hands reached five to one, Maddie said she had to go.  
“Can I come tomorrow at lunch time again? Or if you’d rather spend it alone I can come some other day?”  
Juls seemed to think for a moment.  
“No, I think you can come, it’s alright. Will you bring something new? We could look at your earlier works if you’d like?”  
“Oh, that would be wonderful! Thank you so much for your help,” she smiled, trying to figure out why on earth he was so agreeable, when he looked like the grumpiest kid alife. “Well then, till tomorrow?”  
“See you,” he said with his back on her, carrying the teacups to the toilet.  
And so it went for a week or two; she would pop in at lunch time with two slices of cake, and by the third meeting he would already have tea ready. She smiled the first time it happened, but didn’t say anything. She didn’t really know if he was up for a friendly conversation, or if he only stood her because of her works. So she tried to prod the waters here and there, asking him questions which didn’t necessarily relate to her work; he said she definitely improved, or basically that her first stories were absolute garbage. But he phrased it better, of course — she reckoned that was a feature of a good writer.  
At the end of the second week of their usual meeting, on Thursday, Juls said:  
“By the way, we won’t meet tomorrow, alright? I have to drive my gran to the doctors in the afternoon, so I probably won’t open the shop.”  
“Oh, yeah, I understand. Is your gran okay?”  
“It’s just a check up, so she is alright.”  
“Well, good luck then.”  
“You too. You work on what we discussed and we’ll go over it on Monday, if you are finished, yeah?”  
“You could be a proper teacher, you know,” she smiled, pushing the doors open. It actually earned her a chuckle.  
“I’ll think about it, then.”  
“See you Monday, and thanks again for the advice.”  
“No problem. Thanks for the cakes, by the way. They are delicious.”  
“I’ll tell the baker next time,” she said before finally leaving.  
When the evening rolled around, she found herself doing her homework, when her phone buzzed.  
“Wanna get out? go for a run or summat?”  
Maddie stared at Peter’s text for a moment, considering her unfinished essay and the story she needed to work on over the weekend.  
“sorry love, I don’t think I can. maybe tomorrow?”  
“i havent seen you in ages!!! if you slip tmrw i’ll have every right to be pissed.”  
“yeah, i know, just so much work lately? and an essay due tomorrow. im reaaaally sorry:)”  
“tomorrow at seven you are out on the run with me. I’m sacrificing my friday night for you!”  
“love youuuuuu xx”  
“pathetic”  
She snorted at his last text and threw her phone to the other side of the bed. She felt guilty about not seeing Peter — they barely spent a few days without spending at least an hour together, even if it was just a dinner catch up. But she’ll make it up tomorrow. She’ll work on the story over the weekend.  
* * *  
When the clock hit seven next day, Maddie heard a knock on her front door.  
“So on point,” she said, opening the doors to find Peter in his jogging shorts and a funny pink headband with little flowers, which made his hair stick up around his face like a hallo. If anyone could look unbothered by that, it was probably Peter.  
“Ready, princess?”  
“Yep. Did you steal that head thingy from the girls by the way?” she smiled as she closed the doors behind her.  
“I found it my room today, so if they left it there, it’s not really my problem,” he shrugged, jumping down the stairs.  
“Careful,” she grabbed his shoulder when he tripped on the last step. “Don’t want you dead before your exams, eh?”  
“You sound like my teachers. Exams, exams, exams. I hate it. Can I just go be a footie player or summat? I’m, sporty, I’ll make a shit ton of money. I don’t need no education,” he was jogging with his back first, so he could talk to her properly. Maddie looked at him a bit closer and noticed darker circles under his eyes.  
“But don’t they have their own school or something? You can’t get on a team if you are not a pro?”  
“Surely it’s easier than knowing all that shite?”  
“Maybe it’s easier to study?”  
“Debatable,” he turned around and they reached the park near their place in silence.  
“But you know the worst thing about it all?” Peter asked, when they’ve been properly jogging for a few minutes, and Maddie was trying to control her breathing. She hated that Peter was so sporty without even trying. Well, he did, but.  
“Mmm?” she managed.  
“No social life!”  
“You are proper pissed?”  
“Of course I am! I’m just so stressed because of it all, so sick of it; and I can’t ever get out, and then you are busy, while other mates live like ages away...”  
She let him ramble about how hard it was at the moment, thinking that after his exams he’ll get back to his normal cheerful self in no time. It’s nothing to worry about, really; they all get worked up at the tiniest things and then throw a tantrum. Though she refrained from advising him to just wait it out, in case he’ll get even more pissed.  
“Yeah, that sucks,” she said when she thought he was finished. “Can we stop for a second?”  
They did, Peter perfectly at ease, though he talked through most of their run, but Maddie was breathing rather heavier than she’d like.  
“You need to work out more, you know,” he smiled at her for the first time that evening and she caught behind it a glimpse of his normal self.  
“I know, alright?” she smiled back, clutching her side.  
“It’s practically the only thing that keeps me sane right now,” he said, taking a gulp of water from the bottle he brought with him. “Want some?”  
She accepted it gladly, feeling better at once.  
“So you jog every day?”  
“Yep. Helps to clear my mind and all. Especially between my study sessions.”  
“Look at you. Study sessions, eh?” she gave him back the water with a chuckle.  
“Piss off, princess,” but he smiled, and she felt pleasant warmth settle over her at the endearment. He used it almost from the very beginning, and Maddie absolutely loved it. She opened her mouth to say something, but then closed it when she saw a figure on the next path.  
“What’s wrong?” Peter frowned and looked at where she was looking.  
“That’s- that’s Juls,” she managed, pointing at him. He was walking a dog.  
“Oh, that bloke who helps you with writing?”  
“Yeah,” Maddie was still staring at him, barely noticing Peter’s frown deepen.  
“You wanna go say hello?” he asked, and she nodded.  
“Yeah,” she felt her body come alive again, blood rushing back to her limbs. “I’ll just go, if you don’t mind?” she started walking without waiting for an answer.  
“Hey, Juls!” she called as she stepped onto his path, and he straightened up from where he was crouched down by his dog.  
“Oh, hi,” he said. “Didn’t expect to see you here.”  
“Yeah, I live nearby, I was just out on a jog with a friend,” she said as they started walking. She thought she preferred walking to jogging, anyway.  
“Oh, right,” he only said, looking ahead.  
“Do you live here as well somewhere?”  
“No, actually. I just like this park, and when I’m in the mood for a long walk I come here.”  
“Is it your dog then?”  
“Yeah, it’s Sirius,” he said and Maddie looked closer at the fat black dog.  
“Sirius? I though he had to be skinnier?” she smiled, but Juls did not. “Hey, you alright?”  
“Sort of. Just can’t really get my thoughts together today.”  
“Why? What happened? Did doctors say something about your gran?”  
“Yeah,” he said and Maddie held her breath. “They weren’t really specific, but they said they want to look at her some more.”  
“Oh, dear. But if it was anything serious they’d tell you right away, right? No need to worry?”  
“Probably. But if they want to look into it more, maybe they’ll find something more serious.”  
“Well, there is no point to worry about it. It may only make her feel worse, seeing everybody’s fuss.”  
“Yeah, you are probably right.”  
“How did she take it?”  
“She’s actually pretty calm. From what I saw, anyway.”  
“See. Then you shouldn’t be worrying either.”  
He shrugged, still not looking at her.  
“Maybe your parents we’ll find a way to calm you down?”  
“We aren’t really close with them.”  
“Oh. Sorry, I didn’t mean to-”  
“It’s alright, don’t worry. How did your day go, anyway?”  
And so Maddie did her best to pull his attention into her stories. She talked about her lectures, Peter’s stress, she talked about her homework and coming up exams, and her ideas for the story they were working on and really just everything she could think of. They ended up asking each other questions, seated on the bench, Sirius snoring away at their feet, stars above their heads. It was a particularly warm night, that smelled like summer.  
“If you were a song, which one would you be?” Maddie asked, resting her chin on her bent knee. Juls was looking ahead at the deserted park, with occasional couples passing them.  
“A song?” he frowned, turning towards her.  
“Well, yeah. You do listen to music, don’t you?”  
“Of course I do. It’s just a very weird question.”  
Maddie shrugged. Juls gazed into the trees once again, and then answered slowly, contemplating his words.  
“I don’t know about the song, really, but Oasis hit pretty close home.”  
“Maybe an album then?”  
“Hard to pick up. Definitely Maybe?”  
“Touche.”  
“Alright, alright, then Dig Out Your Soul, the last one, if I’m not mistaken.”  
“Really? I always thought those two were pretty different?”  
“Well, I think it’s hard to be one song. Easier to be an album. Better two,” he shrugged and smiled into the distance, Maddie chuckled, looking at him instead. “What about you? Would you be a song or an album?”  
“I’ll be ‘Roaring 20s’ probably.”  
“Suits you, to be honest.”  
“Really? How come?”  
“Well, you are quite- quite- loud? But in a good way,” he smiled again. “Matches up your energy, anyways.”  
“Really? Thanks. But I also thought I could be ‘Arabella’.”  
That actually made him snort.  
“That’s a nice song. What girl wouldn’t want to be Arabella?” he asked. “Though I always thought Arabella was a bit older than you. ‘Roaring 20s’ matches you just now. Or ‘Mardy bum’, if we talk the Monkeys.”  
“Thanks, I guess?”  
“You are welcome. My expert opinion on pop-songs is always here for you.”  
Maddie let out another breathy chuckle which grew into a yawn.  
“I guess I’ll be off,” she stretched and rose to her feet.  
“Yeah, we too. I think I’ll have to call a taxi, won’t arse this dog to walk another ten feet.”  
“Well, good luck with him. And I hope your gran will be alright.”  
“Thank you. Was nice seeing you.”  
“Yeah, same. Till Monday?”  
“See you.”

* * *  
They finished her first story a week later.  
“Is this all? You think it’s finished?” Maddie asked on another Friday lunch, squeezing the pencil in her fingers.  
“Yep. I can’t see anymore faults. You can try find another reader, or, like, send it to friend? But as far as I can see, it’ the best it’s ever been,” Juls smiled at her, handing her the sheets of paper. “Now you only have to go over the marks we’ve made today.”  
“Excellent! Thank you so much, Juls,” Maddie could have hugged him, but she knew better.  
“No problem, Madds,” he said and then looked at her, surprised. “Sorry.”  
“No, it’s okay, people call me that. I like it.”  
“So you don’t mind?”  
“Yeah, sure, why not,” she shrugged and tucked her papers in her rucksack. “Well, I’ll be going. Have a nice weekend.”  
“Yeah, thanks, you too. Good job on the story.”  
“Likewise.”  
Maddie was buzzing the rest of the day. She couldn’t believe they finally made it! What has it been? A month? And plus the time it took to write it in the first place. She felt proud, really.  
She didn’t have to babysit on Fridays, so when she came home she phoned Peter at once.  
“Yeah?” he said, tired. “What up?”  
“Guess what?”  
“What?”  
“I finished my first ever story!”  
“Nice. Congrats,” he said, not enthusiastic. Maddie frowned.  
“You alright?”  
“I guess. I’m just so bloody tired,” she could picture him running his hand down his face. “I wanna be as pissed as I can be.”  
“You going out?”  
“Nah, the lads are busy, and no one has a spare flat, you know.”  
“Oh, poor you, underage kids.”  
“Piss off, princess.”  
“What say you if I’ll be your company today?”  
“You wanna?”  
“Sure. We can go now and I’ll buy some pints? You won’t be pissed, but still. Some beer is better than nothing?”  
“You are the best human in this world, princess.”  
He hung up without waiting for a reply, and a few seconds later she heard a knock on her door. And there Peter stood, his hair sticking up in all the odd places, in his old grey jumper and equally old trackies, which barely covered his ankles. He looked huggable, she thought. Though he got that face when he was tired, as if he was smelling something nasty all the time, and if she didn’t know better, she’d think he was angry.  
“Hi gorgeous,” she smiled.  
“Princess,” he made a little bow and stepped aside for her to pass.  
“Do you want me to ask you about your A Levels preparation?”  
“Nope.”  
“Alright. How was your last footie training?”  
“I would rather ask ‘when’, if I were you. And that was about two months ago.”  
“Oh, dear. So you only get to jog?”  
“Yep. Still happy I do that, you know. Academics are not my cuppa.”  
“Come on, pumpkin, you’ll be alright,” she squeezed his shoulder.  
They spent the evening having a pint each, and ending up opening another two. A few hours in Maddie was positively more than tipsy, Peter was more sober than she was, though. Boys.  
“So your story, eh?” asked Peter from his place on the floor, with his back leant against the sofa, on which Maddie was lying and stroking his hair. He tipped his head back and looked at her.  
“Yeah?”  
“You finished it? Will you try to publish?”  
“Eh, not really.”  
“I thought you wanted to?”  
“Well, Juls said nobody really publishes young authors.”  
“Bollocks.”  
“How do you know?”  
“Maybe he just wants to steal it and publish it for himself? Don’t people sometimes do it?”  
“No, he won’t.”  
“Why not?”  
“‘Cause he- He is Juls.”  
“And that’s explanation enough,” Peter murmered and took a swig of his beer. Maddie stopped stroking his hair, frowning.  
“What d’you mean?”  
“Well, Juls this, Juls that. Yeah, let’s go for a jog, but the moment I see that dick I’ll leave you behind.”  
“What are you on about?”  
“That Friday, remember? You didn’t even wait for me to say yes, you just flew right to him, princess.”  
“But you asked me yourself if I wanted to go see him!”  
“Yes, but going to say hi, and abandoning your friend are two very different things, alright?”  
“Peter!”  
“What? The only thing we talk about lately is Juls. Juls this, Juls that. I don’t hate the lad, but I’m getting pretty fed up with him.”  
“Come off it. We talk about your friends too!”  
“Really, when?”  
Maddie opened her mouth, but closed it at once.  
“You just fell for him, just admit it.”  
“No, I bloody well didn’t!”  
“Yes you did, princess.”  
“No!”  
Peter shrugged at it and Maddie suddenly realised they were facing each other, both on their feet, though she never remembered getting up. Peter was so calm, was so sure in his words, which just weren’t true! Maddie couldn’t fall for someone in a month!  
“Stop it! Stop being so certain in what you are saying! You know it isn’t true!”  
“Yes it is, princess. Nothing wrong with-”  
She slapped him on the face. The second she’d done it she regretted it.  
“Oh, dear, Peter, I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to- I don’t what got over me- I’m so sorry!” she cried after him, but Peter was already running out of her flat, slamming the doors behind him, his hand on his red cheek.  
Maddie felt her eyes welling up. She dropped onto the sofa, while Marcus gave a long ‘meow’ from his place on the window sill. Maddie shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut tight, twisting her hands in her lap. Why did she do that?  
She sobbed and covered her mouth with her hand. Will Peter ever forgive her? She hoped he would. They were both drunk, weren’t they? Though now she felt positively sober, even if her limbs felt strangely heavy. She coiled into a ball on the sofa and cried herself to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

She woke up very early the next day; the sunlight was very white, which prompted her to think it was probably around six. Maddie didn’t have the blissful minute of not knowing where she was. She woke up already feeling horrible. She put Marcus’ food onto his plate, got ready and left her flat carrying her bicycle. The streets were completely empty, save for the homeless dogs and birds jumping on the deserted roads; sometimes a truck would pass her, delivering the groceries to the shops. She passed a small bakery near her place, inhaling the delicious aroma, which made her feel sick, rather than hungry. She guessed it was only right. Good people don’t hit their friends, do they?  
She mounted the bike the moment she got onto a path in the park and rode for as long as her legs allowed her. The sun was lovely, warming her knees and elbows, but never really making it any further. She wished she wasn’t so miserable, so she could have enjoyed that beautiful morning. It was gorgeous, really, what with the swans cutting the pond open, the sun rays making their way through the thick trees, the wind so gentle on her skin, the birds singing above and the ever present murmur of leafs.   
When she climbed the hill inside the park and her lungs felt like sandpaper she got off her bike and and sat beside it on a patch of grass. Her bum got wet from the dew at once, and she hissed, but didn’t move. Maddie started playing with the grass blades around her, letting them run through her fingers as she stroked her hands back and forth. She liked that spot, she could see the pond, the trees behind, a few people jogging along the water. She could feel the sun on her feet, but it never made it up to her eyes, because of the thick shadow of the leafs above. She smiled and immediately felt guilty for it.  
Was Peter right? Was this why she hit him? She always told herself she wouldn’t move too fast with a boy, not after her first and only relationship. She also told herself she’ll never get her hopes high, unless the boy acted first. She remembered too well her last school years which she spent being completely fallen for her classmate, you could even say her friend, who was dating other girls at the time. She remembered feeling left behind, forgotten, mistreated when she learnt about another girlfriend every year. They never talked about it, that’s the thing. Though when they themselves started dating, he told her it would have been stupid to date a classmate and that was why he never approached her at the time. Though now, when they entered separate universities and practically lived in different places, now was just about the right time. ‘You do realise it will be long distance?’ she said one summer night, when his hands kept travelling up and down her legs. He smiled sweetly and said only, ‘I will wait.’ She melted a little on the inside, but asked again ‘Are you sure? Even if we’ll see each other, like, once in four months?’. He nodded then and squeezed her ankles gently ‘Positive. I’ll wait for you.’ And so he did. For the first semester. But then everything slowly started to go to shit, and thinking back on it, a year later, she was grateful. Though she wished sometimes they never dated in the first place, because it turns out people don’t lie when they say your crushes are just that; they aren’t perfect people, and they still bloody well suck, and your rose glasses don’t really help; and if your crush says you should do it, it’s not always true, sometimes they’ll just be selfish; even if they like you.   
She sighed and dropped her head to her knees. Should she knock on Peter’s door and ask Cheryl if she could see him when she comes back? Should she wait and let him calm down? Maddie fisted her hands in the grass and pulled up, bringing fistfulls of green blades up and shaking them off. The smell was nice.  
She thought of Juls. Did he like her? Probably not as a girl. Come to think of it, she rather struggled to imagine a girl by his side. Did he ever have a girlfriend? Probably, though she still couldn’t think of one. If they ever get to be closer friends, not just a writer and a reader, she should probably ask him, just out of interest. Then she imagined herself standing beside him, holding his hand. She felt warm at the thought. Did that mean she liked him? She made the Maddie and Juls in her head kiss, but couldn’t feel the kiss, however hard she tried. Did that mean she didn’t really like him?  
She sighed again and raised her head towards the sun, watching it drawing lines on the lake. She stood up and stretched, concealed by the trees from anyone who could wander around at such an early hour. She took her hoody off and tied it around her waist, so that nobody would have to see the wet bum of her shorts. The air was too cool to be in a t-shirt, but she rather preferred to be a bit cold, but not catching weird looks.  
When she reached her landing, Maddie looked at the doors of the Breakstors flat guiltily, and she felt like even the peephole was glaring at her. She didn’t have the heart to face Peter yet. She decided she’d give them both some time to think it over. So she swung the doors open, hid her bicycle in the closet, and followed Marcus into the kitchen.  
“You alright?” she whispered. Her cat started circling her ankles, as if trying to stroke her legs with his whole body. “I’m alright, Marcus. I promise,” she crouched down and took him in her hands. He immediately put his head onto her shoulder, and she hugged him closer, hiding her face in his red fur. He was purring, and it felt like a balm for her soul and body. She glanced at the fridge, but didn’t feel hungry, and left for her only room with a glass of water in her free hand.

* * *  
“Something happened?” Juls asked, midway through their lunch break on Wednesday.  
“Why do you ask?”  
“Well, usually by this time you are on your third banter about some woman in the queue today in the coffeeshop in the morning.”  
That made her smile shyly.  
“I’m sorry. I haven’t been to the coffeeshop this week. I just had a kind of falling out with Peter, I guess.”  
“Your best friend?”  
“Yes.”  
“May I ask why?”  
“Well, we quarreled about something, and I slapped him on the cheek,” she said to her cup, feeling too guilty to look up.  
“You hit a bloke?”  
Juls sounded rather amused, and sure enough, when she looked him in the eye she saw a light in there.  
“It’s not funny, you know. I feel horrible.”  
“Oh, come off it. If you hit him, he probably was being a dickhead?”  
“Don’t call him that, please.”  
“Sorry. But still? Surely he wasn’t being particularly nice?”  
“Well, it doesn’t matter, does it? You still don’t go around hitting people if they are wrong, or you think they are wrong. Especially if they are your best mate.”  
“He’ll come around. It’s not like you broke his arm or something.”  
“Juls!”  
“What?”  
“But what if you and your best friend fought? Would you feel alright?”  
“Well, it’s not the end of the world.”  
“Yes it is! You can’t live without friends!”  
“I’m not saying you can, Madds, calm down. I just don’t think your problem is as huge as you think it is.”  
She eyed him for a moment, folding her arms.  
“Really?”  
“Well, in my humble opinion, yes. I think you should just apologize, and you’ll be fine.”  
“I can’t just knock on his door and say ‘sorry for being a dick’.”  
“Why not?”  
She stared at him.  
“What?” he asked. “Just tell him how bad it all makes you feel, and he’s your best mate, so he’ll come around. And if he doesn’t, that’s on him, really.”  
Maddie shook her head, looking back onto her hands, still clasped around the mug.   
“I don’t think I have the guts to do it just yet,” ‘if ever,’ she thought to herself.  
* * *  
Friday evening found her tucked in on the sofa, wrapped up in blankets and staring at the screen, not really knowing what she was watching. She was gripping the mug in her hands very tightly, not paying much attention to the burning of her fingers. It was her seventh cup that day, which really had its affects — she felt agitated, her cheekbones were burning, her heart was fluttering, and not in a pleasant way.   
She reached out and took another biscuit from the plate, feeling better almost at once, but not for long. She ended up finishing the whole pack she bought only on her way from the bookshop, but that didn’t really come as a surprise. That happened all week — she just lived off sugar and caffeine, because she was unable to make herself eat anything. That was how her body responded to stress, really. She knew that; and she knew that it won’t go away until she makes it up with Peter. And she wasn’t particularly eager on letting it continue. She will go tomorrow — it’s the weekend, after all, Peter at least will have a nice long sleep. That should make him kinder.   
That put a smile on her face as she cleaned up her room and got ready for bed. She went to sleep feeling much better than she did the whole week.  
She woke up to the sun right on her face, which meant it was late in the morning. Still, she made it out on her bicycle for a good long ride. Just to prepare herself mentally. She felt light headed, and wasn’t able to go as long as the week before. It was only fair, considering she hadn’t had a proper meal in ages. But it won’t be long, she told herself, climbing the stairs with her bike under her arm. She’ll just take a shower, knock on Peter’s door and hope he would forgive her.  
Only when she, sweaty and barely able to keep her balance, started climbing the last flight of stairs, she noticed a person on the next landing, and prayed it wasn’t Peter. As luck would have it, it was exactly him. He was leaning against the wall, his arms folded; though when he caught her eyes, his whole composure deflated and he dropped his arms to the sides, suddenly looking concerned. Maddie frowned.   
“Shit, princess, when did you last eat and sleep?” he said and Maddie paused in her climbing, a few steps left between them. Peter was eying her carefully, much like a doctor would.  
“What?” she said, completely confused now.  
Peter didn’t answer; instead, he took her bicycle and carried it right to the doors of her flat, Maddie right behind him. The situation felt both completely normal and unfamiliar. She unlocked the door, feeling his intent stare, but not daring to look back. Somehow, in his presence, she felt much guiltier than she did all week, even though she didn’t think it was possible. They entered the flat — she held the doors open for him — and Peter turned to her, bicycle leant against the wall behind him.  
“So?” he said with a raised eyebrow.  
“I’m sorry.”  
“Not what I meant.”  
She frowned again.  
“When was the last time you ate?”  
Maddie stopped and thought back to the previous day.  
“Erm… Yesterday at lunch with Ju-” Peter tensed, but didn’t say anything. “Sorry,” she dropped her gaze to her feet. “I’m really sorry I hit you that time, and I know it’s a shit excuse, but I was drunk. And you know I would have never ever done it sober, right? I felt shitty whole week, and you’ll have all the right to not forgive me, but please do, because I just can’t keep being so miserable all the time. Not that I blame you or any-”  
She stopped, suddenly muffled by his shoulder. Peter hugged her, and Maddie could cry just then and there because of how familiar he felt and smelt. She took a deep breath.  
“Sorry.”  
“It’s alright, princess,” he muttered and she felt his kiss in her hair. She hugged him tighter. “I was a dick, too. I’m sorry.”  
“Fair and square? I promise I will pay you more attention from now on.”  
“And I promise I won’t be that needy,” he kissed her hair again and Maddie smiled, absorbing his warmth. “So did you have just lunches all week with that Juls bloke?”  
There was a pause. Then,  
“Yes.”  
“Well, you know you can’t do this anymore, right?”  
“Yeah, I know.”  
“Wanna go grab breakfast?”  
“Sure. Thank you.”


	5. Chapter 5

Maddie smiled at Juls as he met her at the street.  
“Alright, Madds?”  
She crouched down to look at his dog.  
“Hi Sirius.”   
“You know,” she looked up at him. “I still don’t think he looks the part,” she said not unkindly and carefully stroked Sirius’s head.  
“Well, I like to leave it up to the imagination. I imagined him precisely like that. And plus, he is black, you know.”  
“You didn’t,” she rose to her feet, looking scandalized, barely biting down a smile.  
Juls just shrugged and nodded at the path he usually took when walking Sirius.  
“So how did you get him?” Maddie asked, falling into step with him. Juls seemed to be in an exceptionally good mood today.  
“I was figuring out the bookshop with gran, it was the first week I started there, and it was very hot outside. You know how it gets really stuffy in there if the sun is up for a long time? So we left the doors open, and then he stumbled in.”  
“And you just took him?”  
“Well, I was making us some tea and he walked in and nudged my hand with his nose. I looked down and it sort of just clicked.”  
“You clicked with a dog?” she asked, amused, and Juls looked at her, smiling himself.  
“Yes I did, Madeleine,” he said and nodded solemnly. She snorted. “And I gave him a biscuit, and he took it.”  
“So you’ve found your soulmate in a dog then?”  
“Precisely.”  
“But what if he wasn’t homeless? Maybe you just robbed someone of their dog?”  
“Well, he was very skinny, and didn’t look like he was cared for,” Maddie watched as he gave Sirius a long and thoughtful look, like one you’d get from a close friend. She bit down her smile. “And so I took him and didn’t feel guilty.”  
“And your gran wasn’t against it?”  
“I have my way around her,” he winked at Maddie, who raised her eyebrows. “I cooked her her favourite chocolate-orange pie, and she didn’t protest anymore.”  
“Did you cook it after you took Sirius in?”  
“Well, yeah, but I promised the pie first.”  
“Well planned.”  
“Yeah, I mean, she wouldn’t agree to take him in for anything, if she didn’t want to. And she loves him any-”  
His phone buzzed and he fished it out of his pocket, handing the leash to Maddie. She nodded at him and looked at Sirius, who was sniffing at a stone not far away. Juls answered the call, and Maddie stepped away to give him some privacy. But she didn’t manage to take a second step, as his voice made her turn.  
“What?” it was so weak it might as well have belonged to someone else. “Sorry, what did you say?” he leant against the tree as Maddie felt everything inside her freeze. She dropped the leash as she felt Sirius step up to her, his fat body leaning against her leg. He too, it seemed, felt that something was wrong, so very wrong. Juls closed his eyes, dropping his phone. He took off his glasses and they dropped to the ground with a clank. Maddie felt suffocated.  
“Juls? Juls, please, what happened?” she croaked as she found herself stepping forward, reaching out for him. He looked at her, as if seeing her for the first time, his mind evidently not there, frowning, and she stopped with her hand inches from his shoulder. She felt Sirius staring at them.  
Juls started sobbing, without tears, the sight so horrible it made Maddie want to cry herself.  
“Juls?” she tried feebly again.  
“She,” he sobbed again, this time tears flooded his eyes so suddenly, so quickly. “Gran’s dead, Madds. She’s- dead,” he sniffled loudly and Maddie felt her own tears streaming down her cheeks.  
“Oh, dear,” she said quietly, stepping closer and squeezing him hard in her arms. Juls stood very stiff, he didn’t hug her back, just stood there, shaking in his sobs, as Maddie held him as tight as she dared. She was shaking herself.  
“They said,” he mumbled into her shoulder, and she squeezed tighter. “They said she had a heart-attack, there is nothing they could d-do,” his sobs came again with a new wave and Maddie swallowed her own.  
“Juls, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” she whispered. She knew that nothing she could say would comfort him, nothing. At least she could hold him through it. At least he wasn’t alone. Or did he want to be alone? “Juls, do you want me to leave you?” she squeezed out past her tears. “You need some time alone?”  
She felt him shook his head and than he hugged her tentatively on the back, his fingers barely touching her shoulder blades.  
“Alright,” she whispered. “Alright.”  
She couldn’t really see through the tears in her eyes, the people probably stared at them as they went by; Maddie briefly wondered where Sirius was, but then she felt his cold wet nose on her shin. He came to comfort Juls, too, she thought. When his sobs turned into quiet tears, she gently squeezed his shoulder and leaned back, his arms dropping momentarily to his sides. Maddie wiped her tears and picked up his glasses from the ground, dusting them off and handing them to him.  
“I think,” she said, as she offered him her handkerchief and he wiped his puffy red face. She swallowed, hoping her voice would sound better than she felt, “I think we have to go to her. If you want me to come with you, of course.”  
Juls only nodded and took a deep calming breath. Through all the horror of the situation Maddie thought that it was probably the only time she saw him emotional. Juls nodded again and started down the path they came, as Maddie hastily grabbed Sirius’ leash and tugged forward.  
“Are they- are they at the hospital? Or at home?”  
“Hospital. It- it happened in the ambulance,” he said his voice so small it made everything inside Maddie ache.  
“You want me to call a taxi?”  
He just nodded and they stopped at the entrance to the park, as Maddie called for the car and they waited. The road to the hospital was very quiet, Maddie didn’t dare look at Juls, who she knew was staring blankly in the window. She didn’t want to make him feel scrutinised, not in this state. When they stopped, he left the car at once, while she paid, but when she got out herself, she found him standing by her door, as if unsure what to do next.  
“Shall we?” she nodded to the big glass door and stepped towards it, her eyes on Juls, as Sirius sprang out. “Just let me tie him to somewhere,” she muttered, looking for a handrail. Juls followed without a word.   
Maddie asked the receptionist for the needed floor, then led the way to the room. She stayed in the corridor, while Juls entered, his posture stiff, his face like that of a small, small child. He ran out a few minutes later, shaking with tears and sobs. She just handed him her handkerchief again, helping him to the bench, but Juls only shook his head.  
“Can we leave, please?”  
“Of course.”  
He grabbed her wrist and together they left the hospital, Juls not lessening his grip, although Maddie didn’t think he even knew what he was doing. The rain had started in the short time they were inside, so they stayed right outside the door, as they waited for another taxi.   
"Juls, if you want me to leave at any time you just tell me, okay?" she risked a glance at him and he just nodded. Maddie continued to look at him, and then he raised his gaze and she saw so much raw pain there, that she wished he hadn't. She nodded again, not knowing what else she could do.  
"Could you release me, so I can untie Sirius?"  
"What?"  
She looked at her wrist, where his hand was still clenching it, and he let go at once.  
"Sorry."  
"It's alright."  
Maddie untied Sirius, who was still dry from standing under the roof, and then the car pulled beside them. Juls made as if to grab her hand again, as she came up beside him, but then dropped his hand. Maddie reached out without thinking and clasped his hand, squeezing his fingers gently. When they were in the cab, hair and clothes wet from the pouring rain, he said quietly "Thank you," before telling the driver his address, while looking at their clasped hands. Maddie just nodded, and the rest of the way to his flat they didn't speak.   
Maddie looked around when they entered his home. Juls had a bigger flat than she did, though it was still very small, with a narrow corridor with two doors and the kitchen at the end.  
"Tea?" he asked, as he pulled his shoes off, his hands trembling visibly.  
"Yeah," she said quietly, as he went into the kitchen, without looking at her. Maddie hang back to send a quick text to Peter, asking him to feed Marcus, and hurried after Juls. She found him struggling with pouring water into the kettle. "Let me," she said gently, prying his hands away and taking his place. Juls just nodded and dropped onto a stool by the small square table. The room was quiet spare for the tattoo of the rain and the ticking of the clock somewhere in another room. Maddie looked around as the water was heating up. She glanced at Juls a few times, but he was just staring at the floor, clasping his hands together very tightly. The kettle whistled, boiling, making them both jump at the sound.  
"Where do you keep your cups?" Maddie asked.  
"Right behind you," Juls pointed at the counter, now also looking around, as if seeing the place for the first time.  
The flat was awfully quiet as she was making tea. Finally, when she placed a cup in front of him, Juls looked up at her. Maddie swallowed.  
"Do you want to talk about it?"  
He shook his head, still gazing. Maddie swallowed again, feeling like her mouth was made of sand.  
"Maybe you want to watch something? To, you know, distract yourself?"  
He started shaking his head, but then nodded and said.  
"Yes. Yeah, it'd probably be better."  
She tried to smile at him, but gave up on the attempt. Instead, she just grabbed both of their cups — Juls’ hands were still trembling — and stood by the kitchen door.  
“Where to?”  
He led her silently into a tiny bedroom, where Sirius had already occupied the bed. Maddie placed their cups at the desk, because Juls didn’t seem to have a bedside table, and looked at him, as he sank onto the bed with his laptop. He caught her eye and Maddie winced.  
“Do you-,” he swallowed loudly, closing his eyes for a moment. “Can we please go out onto the balcony? I think I need some air.”  
“Yeah, of course.”  
There were a few old looking furniture pieces and cardon boxes out there, but there was also a small old sofa, which had lost its colour with time. Juls pushed the boxes to the side with his feet and dropped onto the creaking sofa. Maddie took the clue and sat timidly beside him.  
“You want to watch anything specific?” he asked, as the rain noticeably subsided outside, the drops barely heard on the balcony windows. They sat so close to each other, that Maddie almost felt intruding. She knew how careful Juls was about his personal space. She swallowed, shaking her head, feeling very out of place. “Alright,” he only said, leaning back, though still very rigid. Maddie scooped as far away from him as possible, still holding their tea, though she managed to create only a few inches between — there was only so much space there. He found some old movie and put his laptop on a cardboard box in front of them, and she handed him the cup. Juls took it without looking.  
“Maybe I should bring some sweets?” she asked, not looking at him directly. She saw him reaching for something and then he took out a bag with biscuits from somewhere behind the sofa. She couldn’t help but smile timidly. She thought she saw something flicker on his face too.  
They watched the movie completely silent, it was some story about a boy who wanted to be a dancer. It was a good movie, but Maddie couldn’t relax throughout it. She kept all her attention on not touching Juls, she was afraid she wouldn’t bear his reaction if she did. He was in a most fragile state now, and Maddie didn’t really trust her instincts. If it was Peter she knew they would just hold on to each other, and he would be crying openly, and she wouldn’t have to doubt her every move. But she never knew with Juls — she didn’t want to stretch his patience further than he would himself allow. Although she did find herself feeling very grateful that he was letting her be beside him at such a moment — he trusted her.  
When it ended she chanced a glance at him, and found him already looking back.  
“You want to go home?” he asked, and Maddie blinked at him, not expecting the question.  
“I don’t mind staying, if you need me here,” she found herself saying quietly and she swore she saw his posture relax.  
“If you don’t mind? I can’t stay here alone now.”  
“Yes. Yes, of course. I- I can understand you,” she said and he nodded. Maddie swallowed again. “Another movie?”  
“Yeah, but I think we’ll have to come back. My battery is running low.”  
“Oh, okay. If you want to, we can get outside for a bit? If you need air? And you can ask me to leave at any time, okay?”  
“Thank you, Madds,” he said without a smile, but she felt lighter. “Means a lot.”  
“No problem,” she bit her lips and rose to her feet. “Shall we?”  
They left the flat in a minute’s time, both silent, though now Maddie didn’t feel its pressure as much. Juls seemed to be coming to terms with the news. When they walked onto the street, Maddie smelled the delicious rain and damp asphalt. They sat on a bench in the yard, right next to a huge jasmine bush, from which drops of water where hitting the ground with a quiet “plump”.  
“Madds?” Juls looked at her again, his face inexplicably said in the gathering twilights. She just raised her eyebrows, not trusting herself to speak. “Will you- will you please come to the funeral with me?” there was a plea in his voice so strong that she nodded automatically, only later realising what she just agreed to. He kept gazing into her eyes as she clasped her hands together in her lap.  
“I don’t mean to sneak out or anything, it’s just, are you sure? You probably would want to be with your family?” she said because she felt like she had to. Had to make him realise.  
“I’m sure. I’m not good with my parents anyway, and I don’t think anyone else would come. I need someone there,” he looked down at the ground and started picking at the cobbles with his shoe.  
“Alright.”  
They sat in silence for a long while, twilight gathering around them, slowly turning into the night. She was still unsure if he wanted her to stay the whole night in the flat. She decided to ask about his parents instead.  
“Did you live here for a long time?” she tried carefully. Juls only nodded, and Maddie thought she’d do better to drop it. But then he spoke:  
“My mother never cared for me much, you know. So I spent a lot of my time here, and when I finished elementary school, gran took me here for good. I didn’t mind,” he shrugged, still looking down.  
“And you father?”  
“Well, he was a bit more investing than she was, but he wasn’t keen on it either. It was all quite shitty, you know. I think he felt obliged to stay for me, but when gran took me in they divorced almost right away. But gran always loved him.”  
“So did you- did you see each other after it?”  
“Well, yes. More my dad, really. He usually meets me for my birthday and we spend some time together. And then he calls throughout the year.”  
“And your mom?”  
“My mother is a mathematician. A crazy genius, if you would. She never cared about my existence in the first place, so she doesn’t now. Though I guess I’ll have to call her and tell the news.”  
“Don’t say it like that, Juls. Surely, she-”  
But she stopped when she saw him shaking his head.   
“She is not, Madds. She never loved me, the only thing she cares about is Maths.”  
She didn’t answer; she wanted to reach out and squeeze his shoulder, but thought better of it. He looked at her with the saddest smile she thought she ever saw.  
“You see now?”  
“See what?”  
“Why I need someone there with me.”  
“Oh. Yeah, I guess. Will — what’s his name? — Neil come?”  
“I don’t know. Don’t feel like calling him.”  
“But won’t he be offended?”  
“I don’t think it’s an enjoyable event, frankly.”  
“Juls.”  
“No, really. And the fucker seems finally happy lately, don’t want to spoil it for him.”  
“Was he upset about something?”  
“Yeah, some shite with girlfriends, so he had a mild depression for last few months. But I think now it’s better.”  
“You think?”  
“Well, you know my parents, we are all a bit emotionless. I’m not really gifted in that department,” he shrugged without looking at her.  
“Yeah, I figured as much,” Maddie said, not unkindly, and felt a small smile appear on her face.  
“So I’m sorry if I’m, like, rude sometimes, yeah? I try to be polite, it just doesn’t always play out so well,” he looked at her and she nodded, her smile not faltering. “But seeing as you are still around, I should be not that horrible, eh?”  
“Probably,” she shrugged but smiled a bit more, and saw him returning the favour. He turned away again, and squeezed his knees with his hands.  
“Wanna go inside? Watch some more films?”  
“Sure. I’ll just call Peter and make sure he’ll check on my cat, alright? I texted him earlier, but you can never trust that boy.”  
“Yeah, of course. I’ll go ahead then?”  
She nodded and Juls went up the stairs, as Maddie hovered at the entrance door and called Peter:  
“Where the hell are you?” was the first thing he asked. “You okay?”  
“Yeah, I’m fine, it’s just something happened, but I can’t say it on the phone. I’ll explain later, alright?”  
“You sure you are fine? You sound shaken.”  
“Yeah, I’ll manage. Listen, did you feed Marcus?”  
“Of course I did! Who do you think I am?”  
She smiled against her will, slowly climbing the steps.  
“Okay then. I should be back in the morning, just check he has water for the night, okay?”  
“What in the world are you doing till morning?”  
“I can’t tell now. But I promise we’ll talk later, alright?”  
She reached Juls’ landing and found him beside his door, waiting for her. Right. He couldn’t be there alone. Juls was looking at her with folded arms, and she suddenly felt ashamed.  
“Take care, love. See you in the morning?”  
“Yeah,” she said, looking and Juls and then dropping her gaze. “Bye.”  
She hang up and looked at him full on.  
“Is that Peter bloke your boyfriend?” Juls asked in a flat voice, with no emotion. Maddie blinked, taken aback by the sudden question.  
“Peter? No, of course not. We are best friends. He is barely eighteen, anyway,” she laughed at the thought, as Juls just nodded.  
“Alright,” he only said, everything in him unreadable. “After you,” he gestured to the opened flat and she smiled at him.  
They entered his bedroom in silence, Maddie trailing right behind him. Sirius was lying in the centre of the bed, taking up half the space, keeping in mind that Juls’ bed was meant for one person. Juls just removed his pillow and plopped down in its previous place, leaving Maddie to squeeze into the space between him and Sirius. She managed it without even brushing past any of them, and she called it a win. When he searched for the film, Maddie scooped closer to the dog, who put his head in her lap, drooling slightly. She stroked him absentmindedly, watching the opening credits.  
“Do you want tea?” Juls asked, and for a moment Maddie let herself forget the horrible circumstances of why really she was here, and let herself feel like he just genuinely enjoyed her company. She shook her head,  
“I’m fine.”  
“Well, I’m going to make myself a cup.”  
“Then for me also, please,” she smiled again, but he didn’t return it, just slid off the bed and disappeared into the corridor.   
Maddie waited for him, all the while stroking Sirius and thinking about today. How well it started, their walk in the park, she even remembered looking forward to it — she found herself enjoying their little meetings, even if they didn’t mean much. She didn’t allow herself to think any more of them, afraid to move too fast. How do they say it, don’t put all your eggs in one basket? Right. So she won’t.  
Juls came back with two cups and another two hours were spent in complete silence, save for the actors. Maddie didn’t really get much of it, she was so tired. She dozed off a few times, almost spilling her half full mug, but if Juls noticed, he didn’t show it. Maybe he was afraid to admit that she wanted to sleep? After all, there was no way he was planning on sleeping today, and staying awake while Maddie was asleep completely screwed up the point of her staying at all, right? So she stuffed her yawn and put her tea on the desk that she could reach from her place on the bed. Sirius was sleeping half in her lap, and her legs had fallen asleep under his weight. The room was completely dark, and she caught herself thinking, that if the circumstances were different, that would have been very romantic. But it wasn’t; not with Juls frowning himself into concentration, his arms folded, his gaze determinedly on the screen. So Maddie didn’t look at him and told herself to stare at the screen, pretend she is interested. She closed her eyes very tightly a few times, trying to throw the sleepiness off. They must be approaching midnight by now…  
“Another one?” Juls asked out of nowhere, and Maddie awoke with a start, never remembering how she fell asleep.  
“Sure,” she mumbled and he searched for a new film yet again, completely ignoring Maddie’s tiredness. He probably was indeed afraid of admitting to it and accepting his loneliness, she thought. She almost smiled at the thought of a small Juls, with his lovely soft hair curling up on the ends, his big eyes without glasses, his cheeks soft without any beard…  
Next time she awoke it was to the dazzling sun right in her eyes. She blinked awake and found herself curled up on the bed, covered up with a blanket which was not there yesterday. The pillow was back under her head, the laptop nowhere to be seen. She could feel Sirius still snoring at her feet, but she didn’t immediately see Juls, and she didn’t know whether it was a good thing or a bad thing. She sat up, careful not to disturb Sirius, and saw Juls at his desk, sleeping with his arms folded under his head, which was pressing to the desk surface. He was sleeping with his face towards the window, and she could see his glasses that laid askew across his face. He was letting out air through his mouth in little puffs, and Maddie caught herself smiling. Then she remembered she had morning lectures. She reached for her phone and sighed with relief — she still had time, it wasn’t even half seven yet. She stretched and quickly went through her texts, which were all from Peter:  
“Excuse me, lady, where r u???”  
“Enjoying ur night, eh?;)”  
“Marcus says he misses youu. Meow. ^-^”  
“I miss u too BTW pumpkin”  
“sorry, pumpkin was embarrassing. forget i ever sent it to u, alrght?”  
“you better be back by the time we have to leave -_-”  
The last one was from a few minutes ago, and so Maddie typed out a reply, smiling,  
“I’m on my way. Be there in 30;) pumpkin. xx”  
“u better bring food, mom cooked the porridge again, i can’t take it ;(”  
“poor little thing. I’ll bring you a sandwich? meet me at the station with my rucksack, yeah?”  
“don’t be late!!!”  
“okay!!!”  
She hit the send button on the last text and slid out of bed, still smiling. She stretched again and came up to Juls. If she took a creepy moment of staring at him, no one needs to know. She held her breath and put her hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently.  
“Juls,” he didn’t stir, so she said a bit louder, careful not to lean forward, so as not to startle him when he opened his eyes. “Juls, it’s Maddie, wake up. I have to leave. Ju-u-uls,” she squeezed his shoulder again, and when he started blinking his eyes slowly, she dropped her hand at once. “Good morning,” she smiled uncertainly at him as he stared at her, his gaze is still sleepy, blissfully unaware of the reality. And then it hit him and his eyes turned dark and sad again, and Maddie felt her smile slip off her face. Not even the sunlit room made her mood better. She bit her cheek and couldn’t help it. She reached out and stroke his hair back away from his forehead, as gently as she could. Juls closed his eyes, leaning into the touch for moment, and then he looked at her again and she took her hand away.  
“Sorry,” she whispered, just as he croaked,  
“Thank you.”  
They stared at each other in heavy silence, and then she stepped away, gesturing behind her back at the door.  
“I have to go to lectures, yeah? Call me or text me if you need anything?” she said, retreating to the doors. Juls got up to his feet, nodding, red lines at the place where his shirt got pressed to his cheek.  
“Yeah. Erm. Have a good day?”  
“Thanks you. Want to hang out this evening? Or do you want me to come at lunch as always?” she hovered at the door, torn between the desire to flee and to stay.  
“Yeah, lunchtime sounds good, we could figure the rest there?”  
“Excellent. See you in a few hours?”   
“Yeah.”  
“Right,” she said unnecessarily and finally stepped into the corridor. She walked to the front door as fast as she could without running, and soon was closing the door behind her, Juls still in his room.  
* * *  
When she finally managed to confide everything in Peter on the tube — he on his way to school and she to uni — his face changed into shock and sadness, and then even guilt.  
“And he let you stay in? And like covered you with a blanket and stuff?”  
“Yeah...” she bit her lip, feeling her cheeks blush.  
“Hey,” he bent down a bit to look her in the eyes. “Turn your nose up, princess. Maybe something will come out of it?”  
“No, let’s not talk about it this away, okay? His closest person just died, and I feel disgusting thinking of anything romantic.”  
“Yes, yes of course. Sorry, pumpkin,” he bit on the inside of his cheek and ran a hand through his hair. “You going to see him today?”  
“Yeah, at lunch time as usual. I don’t know about the evening though. I’ll have to babysit Marry and Cissy till seven, right?”  
“Yeah, I don’t think I can talk folks out of it. Mom says she’ll be real busy today. But I mean, if it that serious, I could sit with the little ones.”  
Maddie smiled through all her tiredness and the stress from last night, that finally started catching up.  
“You are so sweet, Peet,” she stroked his hair, enjoying the fact that she didn’t have to second guess it. He leaned into the touch, smiling himself. “No, you go study, I’ll manage. He can’t expect me to trail him everywhere, right?”  
“Well, if anything, you know my number,” he kissed her forehead and squeezed her shoulder before leaving at his station. She waved at him while they could still see each other, and then the train took her away.  
She spent the two morning lectures coming up with a plan of how best to distract Juls during the lunch break, and ended up buying the usual two slices of cake on her way to the shop from a small bakery. She paused before coming in. The blinders were drawn on the two windows, preventing the sunlight from getting in. Maddie opened the door with a creak and peeped inside, her feet still outside. She spotted him with his head in his arms again, just like in the morning, he was sleeping on his desk. Maddie smiled and walked in as quietly as she could. She put the two slices near his head and tiptoed to the corner where he kept his kettle. As she brewed them tea, she kept glancing over her shoulder at him, but Juls was still asleep. She placed two steaming mugs beside the cakes and murmered:  
“Wake up, sleepyhead.”  
Juls stirred and straightened up slowly, Maddie stood in front of his desk, smiling. He gave her a small smile in return, though sadness still gathered at the corners of his mouth.  
“I brought you cakes. I didn’t know which one to get, so I took one slice apple crumble, one lemon cheesecake. Which one do you want?”  
“What?” he asked slowly, blinking at her. She probably spoke really fast again.  
“Pick a cake, Juls,” she gestured in front of her and he finally spotted his lunch. He smiled lopsided, and looked at her.  
“Thanks.”  
“No problem. So which one?”  
“Oh, I- Which one do you want?”  
“I?” she asked, surprised. Then quickly recovered. “Well, I picked them for you, if you want both I don’t mind. I’ll have another half hour I could pop into our cafeteria-”  
“Alright, alright, take the cheesecake, you like them, right?” he pushed it towards her and nodded at the chair. “And take a sit?”  
“I-I-” she stumbled, not really expecting him to be that attentive.  
“Please, Madds?” and there was this plea in his voice again, that made her grab the stool from the corner and plop down in front of his desk. Right. He didn’t have energy to choose a cake, what was she thinking? He must be feeling horrible.  
“So,” she took a sip, swearing she could palm the awkwardness in the room. “How was your day?”  
“Fine, no one really came today.”  
“Well, you were sleeping here when I came in, so maybe they did. I would check for stolen books if I were you,” she tried to joke, but it fell short. “Sorry,” she looked at her lap.  
“No, it’s alright. I just- I didn’t get much sleep tonight,” he stared at the wall behind her, his gaze unfocused.  
“Right,” she said. “If you want me to leave I can-”  
“Maddie, stop, I want you here, alright?”  
She nodded, looking at him wide-eyed.  
“No need to be that cautious around me. I know I’m strange now, but I’ll get through it, alright? You worry too much,” he finished with another sad smile and it took a tremendous effort for her not to scoop his up in her arms — never mind that he was a head taller — and tell him it was going to be okay. Instead, she nodded. “And don’t say sorry again, will you?” he added, when she opened her mouth. She snorted and took a bite of the cake, covering her mouth with her hand. She nodded at him. “So, how were your lectures?” he asked.  
“Ah, nothing interesting. Though I had to pop into a coffee shop in the morning to get some breakfast and a sandwich for Peter. Cheryl, that’s his mom, cooked porridge this morning, and the boy hates it, so he was starving. And then there was this big fat woman in front of me, I swear, the size of her...”  
She carried on, describing every possible detail she could gather from the morning, while Juls just nodded, listening attentively, or at least pretending to. She talked all through their lunch break, he coming in with rare remarks here and there; she knew he needed a distraction, wanted it, and she knew her rambling was as good as any. That is, seeing that she couldn’t even hug him. Towards the end of their hour she asked him,  
“So do you want me to pop in in the evening? I have to be with Cissy and Mary till seven, but after that I’m free.”  
“Oh, no, it’s alright. I think I’ll invite Neil over or crush at his,” Juls said, placing their cups by the kettle.  
“Oh,” she said, surprised. She was expecting a positive answer. “Yeah, right. That way we’d both sleep,” she smiled but he only nodded. He didn’t mention the fact that he let her have his bed tonight, and so she didn’t either. “Well, I’ll be off then? Tomorrow lunchtime?”  
“Yeah. Thanks for the cakes,” he looked at her from the corner of the room, as she approached the doors.  
“No problem, my friend. Any cake, any time,” she bowed to him, exaggerated, and he shook his head with a small smile. “See you,” she called, opening the door.  
“Have fun at lectures,” she heard him call back, before she shut the door behind her.  
* * *  
Their next meeting went much the same — Maddie talked and Juls listened. He looked better that day though, he probably did stay at Neil’s and got some sleep, though there was this infinite inprint of sadness on his usually quite indifferent face, and Maddie didn’t know whether it will ever go away now. At the end of their hour he said,  
“The funeral is tomorrow morning. You’ll come, right?”  
“Oh, oh yes, of course,” she said, feeling out of place again. The only time she’s been to a funeral was when her great grandfather died, but she was very little at the time, and didn’t really remember it. “Should I… should I meet you somewhere specific?”  
“I thought I could pick you up? If you don’t mind? I mean, it’s you doing me a huge favour, so.”  
“Sure, whatever suits you.”  
“Alright, then tomorrow at ten o’clock I’ll be at your station? You don’t have lectures tomorrow, right?”  
“No, it’s Saturday, we don’t study.”  
“Right. Well, see you tomorrow?”  
“Bye, Juls. Take care, will you?” she gave him a small smile and he nodded.  
“I’ll try my best.”


	6. Chapter 6

The noon of the next day found Maddie in the cemetery, quite a few steps behind a family of three, all standing far away from each other, the two men silently crying, the woman staring at the freshly dug grave with wide eyes of shock and horror. Juls’ mother was unexpectedly beautiful: she had that look of forgotten beauty about her, her soft brown hair tied uncaringly into a knot, her pretty face with big blue eyes and plump lips left without a trace of makeup, the lines on her face very prominent now. She didn’t have the looks for a science genius, but she certainly behaved like one, composed and rigid in her posture, looking nowhere but at the grave. She didn’t say a word to Juls, only nodded, her gaze stumbling when it fell on Maddie. His father was a pleasant man, Juls looked a lot like him, though the father was plump and with much less hair. He properly introduced himself to Maddie, shook her hand, but never asked why she was there. Maddie hovered behind at the funeral itself, not wanting to be an intruder; instead, she looked around.   
It was a beautiful place to be buried, she thought. It was another grey day, with no rain and no sun, but the grass and leaves were wet from the night. The trees were high and random among the graves, their green making the scene look almost surreal. There was a lake not far away, probably more like a pond even, it’s coast thick with bushes.   
She heard footsteps but didn’t turn to look at the family behind her. They were so wrong, all of them, it pained to look at them. But then she felt clammy fingers clasp her wrist, just like they did three day ago, and Juls dragged her down to the pond. He let go of her arm when they dropped onto a single bench facing the water.  
“Your father is very pleasant,” she said weakly, and Juls nodded, looking at his clasped hands.  
“I guess they think you are my girlfriend,” he said suddenly, without looking at her. Maddie felt goosebumps.  
“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t want to-”  
“It’s alright, I don’t really care what they think.”  
“Right.”  
They were silent again, the birds singing above them. Neither of them spoke for a long time, Maddie felt the wind rippling her bangs. After what felt like hours Juls looked at her, thoughtful.  
“Black colour doesn’t really suit you,” he said and Maddie frowned.  
“I beg your pardon?”  
“You look better in bright colours, Madds. Like what you usually wear. Black is not your colour.”  
“Oh. Oh, alright. Thanks, I guess?”  
“Surprised you, didn’t I?” he smiled a bit and she swallowed, still shocked at the sudden change of his mood. Though the corners of his mouth were still sad.  
“Well, yes, you did. Never thought you even noticed what I was wearing, if I’m honest.”  
“Well, I’m a bit colour-blind, but I can still see,” he shrugged, finally looking down.  
“You are colour-blind?”  
“Yeah, but it’s not that important. I’m fine,” he shrugged again.  
“But didn’t you ever want to see all the real colours?”  
“I guess I’d be dazzled. Though I have to say your clothes are even too bright for me sometimes,” he gave her another smile and a glance, which made Maddie blush a bit.  
“But you just said you liked them better!”  
“True. It’s not bad that they are bright. Just not what I was used to.”  
“Well, never fail to surprise you, eh?”  
He chuckled quietly and looked at the pond again.  
“Did you tell anyone except your mom and dad about the funeral?”   
“Nope. But I expect father will let everyone know. He’s good with all our relatives.”  
“But didn’t you think they’d want to come say goodbye also?”  
“Well, they live on the other end of the country, some are in Germany. I don’t think they’d have made it.”  
“But it is only polite to ask, even if they refuse to.”  
“I don’t think gran would have minded,” he started picking at the wet ground with a branch. “She led a quiet life, she’d love a quiet funeral.”  
“Did your mom and gran communicate?”  
“Well, a bit more than I and mother did, but not much. Gran was usually the one to call her, and mother would only be respectful, but never, like, like a proper daughter, you know?”  
“Not emotional?”  
“Yeah. Gran always said it was her own fault, her husband died very young, so she had to work a lot to feed my mother and herself, so she didn’t really have time left to be a mother, you know.”  
“This is so sad,” Maddie wanted to reach out for his hand, but caught herself in time.  
“I s'pose. But gran was always like a mom to me, so I can’t complain.”  
“She probably directed all her motherly attention at you.”  
“Yeah, that’s what I though. But again, I don’t mind.”  
“I think you are very strong, you know. I don’t think I could have normally functioned if my mom- if she-”  
“Never cared about your existence?”  
“Don’t say it like that, surely she-”  
“No, Madds, that’s what she is. And you get used to it. No point in pitying yourself, right?”  
“I guess so.”  
“And I’m not particularly normal, you know.”  
“You mean the feelings thing?”  
“Yeah. I never had a girlfriend even.”  
“What?” asked Maddie, turning all her body towards him. He just looked at her. “But you are what, twenty five?”  
“Yeah, but I never fell in love, you know.”  
“But, but- but you could have just dated somebody for the fun of it! Some people fall in love after they start going out.”  
“I’m fine they way it is now. I don’t really want anyone in my life.”  
“So you don’t want to have a family and kids and whatnot?”  
“Haven’t really thought about it,” he shrugged again. “Did you?”  
“Think about it?”  
“No, have a boyfriend?”  
“Yes, I did. A few years ago,” Maddie felt herself blush and looked at her feet, still feeling his gaze on her face.  
“Just one?”  
“Well, yeah. I had like a school crush on this boy, and we got together when we finished our last year. But we studied in different cities, and it was hard to do long distance, and I kinda wasn’t that into him by that time, so we broke up after less than a year.”  
“Oh. Cool. Was it painful?”  
“The break-up?”  
He nodded and she snorted. Juls asked questions of a five year old.  
“Well, not really. We weren’t as invested by the time, like the both of us. It kinda faded away on its own, and I just asked him if we should stop it, and he basically said he thought so too. We kept up a weak friendship for like a year after, but that faded away as well.”  
“Right. See, relationships don’t last.”  
“Oh, don’t be silly, your first crush is supposed to be stupid and with no perspective. That’s what school crushes are for, right? You surely had one?”  
“Not really.”  
“Am I friends with a robot?”  
“I guess,” he gave her another shrug, another smile. She shook her head, smiling also.  
They sat in silence again, this time not a heavy one. Finally, Maddie asked,  
“So what will you do tonight? You still staying at Neil’s?”  
“Yeah, I am. Probably gonna drive around the city.”  
“You have a car?”  
“A bike.”  
“A motorbike?”  
“Well, yeah. I wouldn’t boast about a bicycle, would I?”  
“You drive around on a bike?” Maddie thought her eyebrows were going to disappear into her hairline.  
“Yes, Maddie, I do. What’s the matter?” he asked, on the verge of a smile.  
“Nothing, just… You don’t really look the part, you know.”  
“What, you expected all bikers to be bulky and bold?”  
“Pretty much, yeah.”  
“Well, sorry to disappoint you,” he got to his feet and stretched. Maddie stood up too. “But we, skinny people, know how to drive them too.”  
“Sorry if I offended you or anything,” she smiled apologetically, but Juls just shook his head, starting down the path to the exit. He glanced at his gran’s grave and became much, much sadder.  
“It’s alright,” he only said, looking down as he walked quicker still. Maddie found herself half running to keep up, tall people be damned. She kept silent all the way to the bus station. They waited and then climbed the bus still not speaking, stood side by side, none of them taking a sit. Maddie didn’t want to look at him, and so she didn’t — she didn’t want to see him so thoroughly sad again. He looked so much older all of a sudden, even his hair seemed to turn a duller colour. So when her station came before his, she glanced up to say goodbye, but found him already looking. He tried to smile and gently squeezed her wrist, his touch barely there. Maddie was glad she got swept out onto the street, so that Juls didn’t see her blush. She breathed deep and slowly, trying to calm her nerves. It wasn’t normal to get so worked up at a mere touch now, was it? Don’t put your eggs in one basket, Maddie.  
She found herself in front of Peter’s doors instead of her own. Cheryl opened with a:  
“Hi love, what’s up?” she stepped back to let her in.  
“Sorry to disturb you, but is Peter home? Can he come out for a bit?” she said, closing the door behind her.  
“Peter!” Cheryl called into the flat and Maddie heard,  
“What?”  
“Maddie is here, she wants to see you!”  
Maddie felt a bit ashamed, but she knew Peter would understand. He appeared in his doorway in pyjama bottoms only, his hair dishevelled.   
“Why so early, eh?” he asked, walking to the bathroom to brush his teeth. “Gimme a minute,” he closed the bathroom doors and Maddie sank down into a chair near the doors.  
“Tea?” asked Cheryl.  
“No, no, thank you, Cheryl. I’m not hungry.”  
“Are you alright? Why are you wearing black?”  
“I- My friend’s grandmother died recently, so I was at the funeral.”  
“Oh dear. Poor thing,” she stroked her hair and squeezed her shoulder.  
“It’s alright,” Maddie tried to smile. “How are Mary and Cissy?”  
“Fine, they are out with Paul now.”  
“Nice.”  
They fell into silence, Maddie was looking down at her clasped hands. But then Peter reappeared in the corridor, before disappearing in his room again. Cheryl left Maddie with another squeeze on the shoulder, and soon Peter emerged once again, fully dressed, though hair still dishevelled.  
“Wanna go to your place?” he hugged her hello and Maddie closed her eyes for a moment, revelling in human contact.  
“Yeah, let’s go.”  
“Will you cook me breakfast?”  
“It’s like two in the afternoon,” she couldn’t help but smile at him as they left his flat and entered hers.  
“Lunch?”  
She just chuckled stiffly and nodded towards the kitchen.   
“So how was the funeral?” asked Peter, going for nonchalant, but Maddie could feel he was expecting something bad.  
“Quite alright actually. It’s just the atmosphere itself, you know. Pretty daunting,” she said, pulling cheese and butter for sandwiches out of the fridge.  
“Yeah,” he plopped down into one of her chairs. “Maybe if you change the clothes you’ll feel better? I can slice your vegan rubbishy cheese,” he got up again and took the knife from the counter, smiling at Maddie. She smiled back.  
“Be back in a minute.”  
She chucked on her favourite leggins and a huge tie-dye t-shirt, which hang well past her bum. When she came to the kitchen area again, Peter was putting on the kettle.  
“Better?” he asked, glancing over his shoulder at her.  
“Much better,” she smiled. “So how come you slept the whole day, huh?” Maddie started putting together their not-breakfast.  
“Video games!” he smiled widely and Maddie chuckled again, this time all in.  
“When did you go to bed then?”  
“About 6 am, I think.”  
“Watch it, kiddo. You have to keep healthy for your exams.”  
“Oh, shut it. It was Friday night, I didn’t have any classes today, so why not. I have to take time off, don’t I?” he poured water into two big mugs and threw the tea bags in.  
“And you have nothing better to do on a Friday night than stare at you screen?”  
“Would you prefer me to have sex in a club toilet then?”  
“Don’t you dare,” she squinted at him as he bit on his lip, clearly holding in a laugh. “God knows I regret the day I told you this,” she muttered, turning away.  
“Oh come off it, we are best mates, aren’t we?”  
“Well, I don’t think best friends tell each other of their sex lives, do they?”  
“We were drunk, and it was truth or dare, so you had no way out.”  
“Yeah and you dared ask such a horrible question. “What’s the craziest thing you did with your boyfriend?” Who does that to friends, eh?”  
“I do,” he shrugged, smiling, and sipped at his tea.  
“Screw you.”  
“Nothing bad in it.”  
“I still don’t like the fact that I did it.”  
“Why?”  
“I don’t know. I thought everybody was doing it, you know. I was already eighteen and all. And he always talked of sex as something so, like, I don’t know...”  
“Necessary?”  
“Well, yeah. And so when he offered that in that club I thought why not. Ugh, I hate my younger self.”  
“Was he pressuring you into it?”  
“What? No, he was respectful and all. It’s just- We moved too fast? I thought that was how it is supposed to go, but I know it isn’t.”  
“And how is it supposed to go then?”  
“However you feel it should.”  
“So basically, no fucking in club toilets.”  
Maddie gave him a stern look and Peter dropped his amused gaze.  
“Sorry, pumpkin. It’s just looking at you no one would ever think you did that.”  
“Thank God they won’t.”  
“Good I have an older friend like you, Madeleine, my dear.”  
“What’s with the posh accent? I don’t talk like that.”  
“Well, my grandma does, so, you know. You, old people.”  
Maddie snorted and shoved him on the shoulder.  
“Sorry, sorry,” he laughed. “Biscuit?” he handed her one.  
“Thanks.”  
“So how was your friend? That Juls bloke?”  
“Well, his family — his mom — is horrible. I swear, she is like made out of stone or something. He told me it was more like his gran was his mom, and not her. And he was sort of fine, but when we were leaving he looked at the grave again and turned sad once more,” Maddie stared into the window, where the rain began to fall.  
“Sucks to be him,” Peter only said, and they fell into silence, disturbed only by the tattoo of the rain. After what felt like hours, Peter asked: “Do you think you like him?”  
“Like him?” Maddie felt the blush creeping up her neck.  
“Like a bloke. I mean, fancy him?”  
“I don’t know anymore.”  
“Meaning?”  
“Well, I like spending time with him and all, but he is very strange. He told me himself he doesn’t really feel much, maybe ‘cause of his childhood or whatever.”  
“So you think he won’t be able to, like, like you back?”  
“Well, sort of. And he is not really showing any signs of liking me, so.”  
“But you do fancy him?”  
“Well, yeah, I guess there is something in there.”  
“What if you tell him?”  
“Tell him? Would you want a girl to come up to you and say, “Hey Peter, I like you, wanna date?”?”  
“Well, makes things much easier for lads, you know.”  
“I call it lazy.”  
“Excuse me, all you crazy feminists being like women are so much better than men, but you still won’t ask a bloke out?”  
“That’s not feminism now, is it? They twisted it, really. And I never said I was a feminist in the first place.”  
“You ain’t? So you don’t wanna, like, equality and stuff?”  
“Well, I do. I just don’t wanna be that girl who, you know, thinks she is better just ‘cause she is a lady.”  
“Fair enough,” he smiled. “Like how we go to serious debates from toilet sex,” he winked at her and Maddie threw a biscuit at him. “Oi!”  
“You little, annoying,” she kept throwing biscuits at him, but Peter only laughed, covering his head.  
“But you love me!”  
“I despise you, Peter Breakstor!”  
“I love you too, pumpkin!” he caught the last biscuit and threw it into his mouth. He shook his head to shake off all the crumbles. “Nice biscuits, by the way. Where did you get them?”  
“Bakery on the way to the shop. I usually get breakfast there now, and Juls said he buys his sweets there.”  
“Is he an expert on sweets now?”  
“He is a sweet tooth, yeah.”  
“But not as sweet as me,” he bashed his lashes, smiling sickeningly sweet at her. Maddie just shook her head.  
“You are impossible, you know that, don’t you?”  
“So I’ve been told.”


	7. Chapter 7

On Monday Juls was sitting in his chair by the bookshop window and staring at the words he could not read. Ever since that day, he felt muffled, somehow. As if all his insides turned into foam — fragile and numb. He was used to not feeling much, but now he knew how he was feeling exactly. After that first day of pain, which reminded him of an animal cut open at the belly, he felt nothing but numbness. He was surprised to find out that it was different from how he felt before. All his life he just didn’t feel much; now though, he felt like a show, which somebody put on mute, so as not to disturb anyone. Gran was such a constant part of his life, such an obvious part of it, he took her for granted. Now, with her gone, everything felt somehow different, yet the same. He spent the night home for the first time since that day, and it felt foreign. Come to think of it, he probably has never, in his entire 25 years of existence, spent a night alone at that place. Now he had to get to know it anew. How to live the life where he now had no one to talk to in the morning, no one to prepare him breakfast and give him sandwiches to work, no one he would make a cup of tea on a Saturday afternoon and talk about the book he finished, no one rolling over on the bed in the room next to his, the sound so reassuring, the creak that said “I’m here if you need me”; from that day on there was no one there. And there never will be.  
The doors flew open, sending in the sunlight, and Maddie stepped into the room. Juls noticed she was back to the bright colours again — in fact, she was wearing her very yellow cardigan.  
“Hello,” she beamed at him and he felt the corners of his mouth tugging up. “Alright?” she asked, still hovering at the doorstep.  
“Yeah. You early today?”  
“Nope. Ten past twelve, as always.”  
“Oh. I didn’t notice the time today,” he mumbled. “Want a cuppa?”  
“Yes, please. It’s freezing out there. Would you think of it? What will be next? Winter in October?”  
Juls smiled full on, facing away from her, perched on the old stool in front of his desk. Maddie chatted so much, but he found he didn’t mind it anymore. True, it did annoy him at first, but now he welcomed any distraction. There was also a musical lilt to her words, which made them pleasant to listen to in and of themselves. He sometimes caught it in her writings as well — Maddie was good with her words; not always precise, maybe, but they combined into music. He faced her now, his smile much smaller, and gave her her tea.  
“Thanks. The blueberry one today, by the way,” she nodded at the two identical slices of the blueberry cake in front of her.   
“You know you don’t have to bring them?”  
“Oh, come off it, I would have bought one for myself anyway. Doesn’t hurt my wallet all that much.”  
He knew she was lying, knew she probably used to take something from home for lunch before. But he was grateful; didn’t know how to express it, but he felt it. Felt it in the pit of his stomach, where the everpresent foam gave way to little feeling. He hold on to it for as long as he could, but found it slipping away and drowning in the foam again. He dropped onto his chair and looked at Maddie.  
“How was your day? Had any customers?”  
“Not really. There was that lady in the morning, she came with her dog. You know, those little ones, that look a bit like rats?”  
“Don’t be rude,” Maddie frowned and Juls felt smile starting on his own face again.  
“What? Rude to a dog?”  
“Well, how would you feel if someone called you a rat? Or called Sirius fat?”  
“Well, he is fat, isn’t he?”  
“Juls! He is your dog, you are supposed to stand up for him!”  
“Yeah, but he’s not going to realise someone used the word on him now, would he?”  
Maddie just raised her eyebrows, fishmouthing nonexistent words. She ended up folding her arms on her chest and frowning at the bookshelf in front of her.  
“How was your day? Any interesting lectures?”  
“I’m not speaking to animal-haters,” she pouted, she really did, and Juls snorted. She looked at him, surprised. “What you snorting at?”  
“You are so very childish.”  
“Oh, excuse me, Mr. Dickhead, while I’m being sympathising towards little animals!”  
“Are you vegan, then?”  
“Yes, I am!”  
“So the cakes are vegan?”  
“Yes. It’s a vegan bakery, if you didn’t notice. But it doesn’t matter! You hate animals!”  
“You can’t be serious, can you?”  
She changed her demeanor a bit, becoming more relaxed, but her arms were still folded tightly.  
“So what did the lady with a small dog want then?”  
“A dog handling manual.”  
She gave him a poker face and he snorted again.  
“Sorry. She was picking up a present for her nephew.”  
“A book for a present?”  
“I mean there are cool ones out there. There is that Harry Potter edition, which is all fancy, you know.”  
“You know they have hundreds of fancy Harry Potter editions? I sometimes feel like every book illustrator tried it at least once.”  
“Can’t be hundreds. Anyway, the point stands.”  
“Do you have such an edition though?” she looked around, as if expecting to stumble upon one.  
“Nope. I’m not that rich, and I don’t think anyone would buy it, really. We don’t have that many customers.”  
“Shame. I thought I’d talk you into lending it to me.”  
“Trust me, if I had it, I wouldn’t give it away to anyone.”  
“Hey! I’m not anyone, I’m your friend! I bring you cakes!”  
“I know, but that’s Harry Potter we are talking about.”  
“You are a horrible friend, Julian Grayfrost.”  
“Julian Scott Grayfrost, then.”  
“Do you have Scottish roots then?”  
“Oh yeah, my father’s line is almost entirely Scottish, and there is bit of Jews in there too.”  
“And your mom?”  
“Gran said they were British, her line anyway, and grandpa was half German half English.”  
“Did you talk to your parents after Saturday?” he could see she was trudging carefully.  
“Should I?”  
“Well, it’s a big loss for all of you, I’m sure.”  
“I wouldn’t say they cared that much.”  
“I think you could call them. You should.”  
“Why?”  
“You are their only child. Technically, you three are the closest people you can find.”  
“Well, maybe by blood, yes.”  
“Juls, come on. You are all adults.”  
“Well, yeah, and they are older. They could call me too, you know.”  
“But you said yourself your dad does it all the time; maybe now he expects you to make the first step? He knows how much your gran meant to you, and he doesn’t want to be intrusive.”  
Juls fell silent, looking at Maddie. He saw plea in her eyes, the feeling so warm and raw he was taken aback by the force of it. Looking at her was sometimes like looking at the sun — there was too much emotion on that open face to handle.  
“You think so?”  
“Yes, of course! And you could call your mom as well. After all, your gran was her mother, she is bound to feel lost, too. No matter how close or distant she was from you.”  
He fell silent again, rubbing his bottom lip with his fingers. He could feel Maddie’s stare still at him, still burning a hole in his forehead.  
“I can stay with you when you call? We could do it right now?” she offered.  
“But why would you care so much?”  
“Because I care about you, and I want you to feel better. Or whatever it is you do instead of feeling,” she added on the afterthought. Juls snorted.  
“Instead of feeling?”  
“Well, I don’t know, do I?” she blushed.  
“Alright, alright. Let’s call them”.  
He snatched his phone from the table, and Maddie followed his hands with her gaze. He pressed his mother’s number and waited, every second screwing something deeper and deeper into his ears. When she picked up, it all went away. As if he was on the edge of a rock, and finally jumped down — no escaping now.  
“Erm, hullo,” he said, eyes locked with Maddie, who was looking at him in some sort of awe.  
“Juls? Is that you?”  
“Yes, it’s me, hi. I just wanted to call you, after, you know, gran’s death?” Maddie nodded at him, smiling encouragingly, but Juls could almost feel how useless it all was.  
“Well? Did you want to ask something? Do you need money or other help?”  
“Well, actually, we could meet?”  
“Meet? No, sorry, I’m very busy.”  
“Everyday?”  
“Yes,” her voice was cold as ever. As if somebody was pouring ice inside his gut — that’s how it felt to talk to his own mother.  
“I guess that’s a goodbye?”  
“Bye.”  
She hang up and Juls dropped his phone, Maddie smile fading into a frown just as quickly.  
“She refused?” she asked, astonished.  
“Yep. Like I always knew she would.”  
“What a horrible woman,” she muttered and suddenly brought her hand to her mouth, her eyes wide. “Sorry, Juls, I didn’t mean to-”  
“It’s alright. It’s the truth.”   
“I’m so sorry for you.”  
“Don’t be. I don’t like to be pitied, alright?”  
Maddie just nodded.  
“Do you want to call your father then?” she seemed softer now, her words not so sure anymore.  
“Yeah, yeah I think I should. He’d be happy to hear my voice at least.”  
She smiled again, though much, much sadder. Juls pressed his phone to his ear the second time.  
“Juls? Hello, son, how are you?”  
“Hi dad. I… erm, I’m fine. I just thought I’d check in after, you know.”  
“Yeah, I wanted to call you meself, just thought I’d give you some time first.”  
“Thanks. Do you, maybe, want to meet up sometime this week?”  
“Sure. I’ve got a project to finish till Thursday, but then I should be free. How does a Thursday afternoon sound to you?”  
“Good. How about that pub we went to last time?”  
“Sure. Then Thursday six o’clock?”  
“Yeah. See you.”  
“See you, son. Thank you for calling.”  
“Yeah, no problem.”  
Juls hang up and looked at Maddie.  
“We are meeting this Thursday in a pub.”  
“Wonderful!” she raised her hands into the air, looking like she could hug him. She dropped her arms back into her lap, somewhat awkwardly, but still smiling. “You happy about that?”  
“Yeah, I guess it would be cool to meet him. We were probably the closest to gran, you know.”  
She beamed at him and glanced at the wall behind his back.  
“Oh, dear, I’m gonna be late!” she jumped to her feet, gathering up her rucksack from the floor. “See you tomorrow?”  
“Yeah. And Madds?”  
“Oh?” she turned at the doors.  
“Cakes on me tomorrow, alright?”  
She smiled at him and nodded, before closing the door.  
* * *  
So on a Thursday afternoon Juls found himself in the pub he agreed to meet his father in. He didn’t have to wait long — Scott greeted him with a clap on the back and dropped into the chair next to him.  
“Alright, son?”  
“Yeah. How is it going? How was your project?”  
“Nice, all finished and handed in,” he smiled, the light glistening on his balding head. “How have you been?” he asked more seriously, leaning forward.  
“Fine,” Juls shrugged, and his father clapped him on the shoulder. “Just a bit hard to get used to living alone, you know.”  
“Trust me, I do,” his dad leant back and stared into nothingness, like Juls so often did himself. “You know, ever since me and Olivia divorced, I’ve been hating coming back home.”  
“Do you regret divorcing her then?”  
“Eh, who knows. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. You know how she is, always so cold and- Yeah. But it was nice having somebody in the flat with you, you know. And you were all little and not so serious. It was fun.”  
“Dunno, didn’t feel like fun,” Juls ran his finger along the rim of his beer cup, not meeting his father’s eye.  
“Listen, son, I know she did a bad job of being a mother, but-”  
“A bad job?” Juls looked at him, and he swallowed, but didn’t lean back. They looked at each other sternly, and Juls continued. “Did you know I called her before you, asked her to meet up, but she said she was busy. Busy for her own son. Who on earth does that?”  
Scott bit his lips and leant back again. He sighed deeply and opened his eyes at Juls again. He looked so much older now, Juls thought. He didn’t know whether this thought disturbed him or no. He felt the foam give way to anger for a bit, but now he was back to numbness once again.  
“Why would you call her in the first place?” his father asked and Juls looked at him, surprised.   
“Maddie said it’d do me good.”  
“That little bird you had at the funerals, eh?” he smiled, it was a kind smile, but Juls didn’t like it.  
“Don’t call her a bird, will you?”  
“Sorry, no offence meant,” he threw his hands up, laughing kindly.   
“None taken,” muttered Juls and stared at his beer once more. They sat in silence for a while, the space between them slowly filling up with the music from the band at the other end of the room. Juls could smell wood polish, his own sweat and beer. His father coughed, drawing his attention back to himself.  
“Olivia, your mother, has her own way of coping with grief, you know.”  
“Does she even feel it?”  
“Of course she does, your gran was her mother now, wasn’t she?” he looked almost angry. Was it possible he still felt something for his mother?  
“Doesn’t look like it.”  
“Well, you lived with her for what, ten years? I’ve known her longer, and believe me, she does feel.”  
“I’m happy I never saw it, then.”   
“Listen, son-”  
“No, stop it, alright? I don’t wanna talk about her. She is a disaster of a mother, and you won’t convince me otherwise.”  
“Alright then. Want to tell me about your girlfriend then?”  
“Maddie is a friend, we aren’t dating.”  
“You sure?”  
“Yes, I am.”  
“Well, didn’t look like it to me.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“Well, you two held hands-”  
“We didn’t.”  
“Yes you bloody well did! I saw you dragging her off by her hand to that pond there.”  
“Did I?”  
“You tell me, son.”  
“I don’t remember. I don’t think I realised it there, anyway.”  
“Well, be careful. You don’t want to disappoint her, do you? She is a nice little dove, she’ll deserve better.”  
“How do you- You don’t even know her.”  
“Well, seemed pleasant enough to me. And she came with you to the funerals, when she knew what a nice family we were, didn’t she?”  
“I s’pose,” Juls frowned at his beer. Did he say thank you to her?  
“Have any plans for the weekend?” his father’s voice snatched him out of his thoughts.  
The rest of the evening passt without anymore disagreements, and about nine Juls found himself in front of his house. It should have gotten easier by this point, thought he. The silence shouldn’t creep him out anymore. Only it still did.  
He climbed the stairs to his flat and unlocked the doors very slowly. He didn’t know whether he wanted to put off coming in for as long as he could, or get it over with at last. He closed the doors behind him and stared into the lit corridor. He got into the habit of leaving the lights on, if he knew he was going to return after sunset. It helped with the fear that sipped through his skin, seizing his innards with cold fingers, clutching at his throat. He remembered how Alastor Moody’s curse used to appear the Number 12, Grimmauld place, curling up the tongue of the visitor. He felt very much the same now, upon entering his own home. Was it some sort of test as well? Maybe when he got through enough evenings of terror it would get easier?  
He undressed and switched the lights off, walking fast towards his room. Once inside, he hurried to put on a TV-show, so as to feel somebody’s presence in the room. He carried his laptop into the kitchen, making himself a cup of tea, before sinking into his bed and taking Maddie’s story into his hands. He promised to look through it yesterday.   
He jumped up, spilling his hot tee onto his belly, as his phone buzzed with a call from Neil.  
“We got back together, mate!” he yelled into the phone.  
“What? Wait, with whom?”  
“With Anna you idiot!”  
Anna was his girlfriend of two years, whom he ditched for a “love of his life”.  
“Congratulations!” Juls said, but didn’t feel it. Though he knew he needed to ask him questions in order to be a good friend. “How did you do it then?”  
“Dinner in the sky! I prepared everything on that tall building, yeah? Like, the roof. You know girls love that shite. We had dinner on the roof, she was all sceptical at first, but then I told her everything, how I was a bloody fool before, and she cried.”  
“Wow.”  
“Yeah. And then she let me see her home. And here I am! Walking home now, we are going to meet up tomorrow!”  
“Well, mate, well done. Really happy for you. You two gonna start all over then?”  
“Looks like it. I don’t mind though. I was a right dickhead to her, thought she’d say no when I invited her in the first place.”  
“Lucky you.”  
“Yeah. Never been happier!”  
“I think you need to sleep, mate. You sound too excited.”  
“Piss off,” Neil laughed, but then Juls heard a yawn. “You alright, by the way? How was you dad?”  
“Fine, just came back like half an hour ago.”  
“Cool. Oh, I just thought, if I meet Ann tomorrow, we won’t meet for a beer with you.”  
“It’s alright, don’t worry. I understand.”  
“Thanks, mate. Well, goodnight then?”  
“G’night.”  
Juls threw his phone onto the second pillow and put Maddie’s story down. He turned on his side and closed his eyes, listening to the faint rant of the actors from his laptop, slowly falling asleep.


	8. Chapter 8

Maddie looked at herself in the mirror, adjusting her hair. She took a photograph and sent it to Peter, asking “how do I look?”  
“gorgeous, as always:) your bloke will be done tonight!”  
“shut it!”  
“good luck! have fun and use condoms!”  
“PISS OFF”  
Maddie couldn’t help the smile at Peter’s messages. She was to meet Juls in half an hour, so they could go to his friend’s birthday party. She was surprised when he invited her, about a week ago. They were sitting in the book shop, chewing on the cake as usual, when Juls asked:  
“How do you feel about parties?”  
“Depends, I guess. I’m not a party animal, you know, but may be nice to get out once in while.”  
“Neil, my mate, is throwing a birthday party this Friday. Want to come?”  
“What? As your plus one?”  
“Oh, shut it. It’s just a lot of people getting very drunk. He just wants a party to invite his girlfriend he got together with about a week ago, remember?”  
“But wouldn’t he want to spend the day just with her then?”  
“You don’t know Neil. He loves partying and noise and people. I think he is pretty terrified of being alone with her.”  
“How are they going to be together then?”  
“Not my problem,” Juls threw his hands up, bringing his chair onto only two legs. “So you coming or not?”  
“Oh, can you be any nicer, Juls?”  
“Please?”  
“Alright, alright,” she chuckled. “When is it exactly?”

She smiled at her reflection. She did look good. She was sporting a pale blue dress, which fell down to below her knees and hugged her gently at the waist. It had a white polka dot pattern to it, which Maddie thought made her look lovely. She put her hair in a lose plaid, so as not to look like she tried too hard, leaving her bangs out to frame her face. She gave herself one last onceover and hurried to the station.  
Juls met her in a black t-shirt and jeans, though these ones looked much tighter and newer than his usual baggy ones. He threw a jean jacket on top, and Maddie thought she ought to have put on a cardigan — it probably would get quite chilly by the time they’ll have to go back home.   
“Hey,” she smiled at him.  
“Hi. Ready?” he nodded at the coming bus.  
“Yep.”  
All the short way to Neil’s place Maddie tried to stuff her disappointment at the fact that Juls took no notice of her dress deeper down. He never promised you anything, she told herself. You are friends, not lovers. She briefly wished Juls knew Peter, and learnt how to at least be polite from him. Peter was never greedy with his compliments, was he? And they, too, were just friends.  
They kept silent on the bus, though Juls didn’t seem to notice. When they got out on the stop, Maddie asked him:  
“So is it going to be a big party then?”  
“I don’t know. I guess about twenty people, maybe a bit more than that.”  
“Twenty people in one flat?”  
“Well, his family are on holidays, and they have a big place. They were four kids — Neil, Larissa, Katja and Emma — you know, and each had a room, so. Plenty of space,” Juls gave her a small smile and held the doors for her to come in.  
“Nice. So it’s going to be a good party then?”  
“Depends on what you mean by it. Lots of alcohol, music and dancing, that’s for sure.”  
“You aren’t a big fan, are you?” they stopped in front of the doors, from which they could hear loud music and voices.  
“He is my best mate,” he shrugged. “I felt it was rude to refuse. I can handle parties,” he smiled again.  
“So I’m there to protect your introverted sanity then?”  
“Pretty much, yeah. And it’d be cool if you met him, ‘cause, you know, I keep telling you two about each other, and you didn’t even see one another. Shall we?” he gestured at the doors, and Maddie nodded.  
The flat looked much nicer than did either hers or Juls’. There was a wide hall, and from one of the rooms music filled every other space.   
“There he is,” Juls whispered to her ear, so she could hear over the music. He pointed at a man standing with a brunette girl. He was bigger then Juls — both taller and a bit more on the fatter side. His hair was dark and straight, cut short. His face was happy, Maddie thought. His eyes were bright, he was smiling, and he had a button like nose, which made him look a bit like a child. His eyes fixed on Maddie and he said something to the girl, before they both came up to them.  
“Mate!” he shouted and hugged Juls, who was clearly uncomfortable. Maddie looked at the girl and reached out her hand.  
“I’m Maddie, nice to meet you!”  
“I’m Ann! You are Juls’ friend?” she smiled at her kindly, looking very similar to Cheryl.  
“Yeah,” Maddie nodded and shook her hand. “Hi,” she said to Neil. “Happy birthday!”  
“Thanks, love! I’m Neil!”  
“Maddie!” she managed to say before he hugged her too. Maddie cast a careful look at Ann, but she was talking to Juls and didn’t look bothered. She noticed with a pang that Juls took no notice of her and Neil either.  
“Well, the drinks are over there,” Neil said, gaining Ann’s hand again. He gestured to the corner, where a group of three girls were gathered. “If anything, just find me!”  
“Thanks, mate!” Juls nodded at him and dragged Maddie by the forearm to a small sofa near the place where the drinks were. He bent down and asked loudly over the music: “What do you want to drink?”  
“Something not so strong, okay?”  
“Got it. Be back a minute,” he said and went to the tables, as Maddie sank onto the sofa, looking around.   
The people kept coming and congratulating Neil. There were about ten people in their room, and she knew there were bound to be more in others. The party was even bigger than Juls described. He sat down beside her, handing her a pink cocktail.  
“Thanks,” she smiled. “Juls?”  
“Yep?”  
“Is Neil’s family German?”  
“How did you know?”  
“Well, I thought his sister’s names sounded a bit like it?”  
Juls chuckled, though she couldn't catch the sound over the music. She tried her drink — it had a flowery taste to it — as he answered:  
“Well, yeah, they are. His dad, he is irish, and he went to the army into Germany. There he started dating his mom, and they came back to Ireland, when she was already pregnant with Lara, his elder sister. And then they moved to England, and Neil was already born here.”  
“So he is the second child?”  
“Yeah. Then was Katja and then Emma.”  
“Nice. Do they have a family business or something?”  
“Sort of, Neil works for his dad, and Lara does, too. But Katja is like a rebel, you know. When we were growing up she used to dress up like a boy. She is in France now, works for some company.”  
“And Emma?”  
“Emma is a professor at the arts college. She teaches the history of arts, she is the quietest person you could meet.”  
“I expect you got on with her the best then?” Maddie smiled and put her empty glass onto the table nearby. Juls snorted.  
“Actually, no. Don’t tell Neil, but she is very boring.”  
“Really? How come?”  
“I dunno. But she is shy also, you know. I know I’m introverted too, but I can hold up a conversation.”  
“She can’t?”  
“Most of the times she doesn’t. Just sits there silently, nodding at your words.”  
Maddie suddenly felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up. She was met with an unfamiliar but handsome face of a boy, who she saw walked in right after Juls and she did.  
“Would you like to dance with me?” he asked, and Maddie thought that he looked a lot like Peter, though a bit taller and less sporty. He was wearing a dark shirt and jeans. She threw a quick glance at Juls, who just shrugged at her, and nodded, taking the boy’s hand. “Thank you,” he bowed comically, and Maddie smiled some more.  
“What’s you name then?” she asked as they moved to the place where people danced.  
“I’m Theodor, but you can call me Todd,” he bowed again and turned to face her for the dance. He took one of her hands, and put the other on her shoulder blades.  
“I’m Maddie, nice to meet you.”  
“Maddie? Is that your full name then?” he raised his eyebrows, looking very handsome. Maddie chuckled quietly, as they started swaying to the now slower music.  
“It’s Madeleine, but nobody really calls me that.”  
“Well, that’s a lovely name, Madeleine.”  
“Thanks. You are a friend of Neils’?”  
“Yep. We work together.”  
“Nice.”  
“And you?”  
“Oh, I’m a friend of a friend.”  
Todd only raised his brows and Maddie explained:  
“The one I was sitting with at the sofa when you came up, it’s Juls, Neil’s best friend since childhood. And I’m Juls’ friend.”  
“Oh, alright. I hope I didn’t disturb you or anything?”  
“It’s alright. I don’t think he would have asked me to dance anyway,” Maddie shrugged but felt a bit bitter as she realised that what she said was true.  
“Well, I’m glad I did then. You look lovely,” Todd smiled at her, and Maddie almost wished she could like him. He seemed like such a nice guy.  
“You are very kind,” she said.  
“Well, I said the truth. If that’s too kind, then so be it.”  
Maddie laughed breathily, shaking her head.  
“Are you like that with all the girls then?”  
“Nope. Only with pretty ones in blue dresses,” he held his hand up so she could swirl under it. Maddie didn’t answer, just smiled at him. He smiled back, and returned his hand to her shoulder blades again. They finished the dance in pleasant silence, and then he stepped back, bowing a little. “I hope I get another dance tonight?”  
“I hope so, too,” she answered and bowed just like he did. They laughed at each other and he left for drinks, as Maddie returned back to the sofa. Juls was talking to a bloke, but looked up at her as she approached. He raised his eyebrows, and she mouthed “You busy?” He nodded a tiny bit, and she nodded back, pointing at the dancefloor again. He just nodded and Maddie felt that disappointment again. God knows how she wished Juls could be like Todd. Speaking of whom, he appeared beside her moments after she reached the dancefloor.  
“Your friend is busy?”  
“Seems so,” she sighed and he handed her a drink. “Thank you.”  
“Another dance, then?” he asked, his smile back on his face.  
“I guess,” Maddie sipped at her cocktail and then gave it back to Todd, who placed both their glasses onto a table.  
As Maddie danced with him to a slow love song, she wondered why the hell they’d have so many love songs on a birthday party. Then she thought that maybe the songs in general were often about love. And seeing as Neil just recently got together with his girlfriend again, they probably wanted a romantic atmosphere. And so she swayed in Todd’s arms, which held her safely. She liked how he didn’t even drop his hands to her waist, quite content to be just dancing with her. She remembered her first and only boyfriend, her highschool sweetheart, or whatever people call it. How he would not even think about not having his hands on her waist. He was always so sure with her. Probably because he knew perfectly well he was her first guy. She was quite grateful for it, actually; for if she took the lead in their relationship, they’d probably never even kiss, she was so shy at the time. Then she thought about Juls, and how he didn’t pay her any attention, but as a friend. How he never picked up on the way she looked at him; the way she said yes to anything he offered, just to spend time together. Though she knew nobody should be forced into a relationship, if they don’t seek it, she couldn’t help but think that with the sensitivity Juls had, he wouldn’t notice love and affection if it danced naked in front of his face. She snorted at the image and Todd frowned down at her, smiling too.  
“What’s so funny?”  
“Sorry, I just imagined something. Never mind,” she shook her head, smiling.   
“Don’t think you can trust me with a joke, eh?” he smiled more.  
“Not yet, sorry, love,” she shrugged and he sighed dramatically, though his smile betrayed him. His phone buzzed at the moment, and he let go of her gently.  
“Sorry. I’ll be back in a second,” he smiled and waited for her reply, squeezing his phone in his hand.  
“Sure, no problem.”  
He ran back into the hallway, and Maddie looked around, spotting Juls alone on the sofa. She started towards him, but then she saw a girl coming up to him and nodding to the dancefloor. To her surprise, Juls got up as if it was no big deal, and led her by her hand to dance. Maddie stepped back, leading with her back, and felt for the door behind her. She didn’t know why it raised such a strong reaction in her, but she knew she wanted to be alone for now. She caught a glimpse of Todd, who smiled and started towards her, before she closed the door to a random room behind her. It was the bathroom. She flicked on the lights and sat down onto the bath, hiding her face in her hands. She felt hot tears at the heels of her palms as she heard the knock on the door.  
“Maddie, sorry, are you alright?” it was Todd, and he sounded concerned. Oh, how she wished she came here alone.  
“Yeah, just need a moment here,” she put all her effort not to sniff and squeezed her eyes shut very tightly.  
“You sure? Maybe you need something? Maybe you need to get out?”  
“No, thanks, I’m fine.”  
“Alright...” she imagined him running a hand through his hair. Lovely hair. “I’ll be right in that room, alright?”  
“Yep. Thanks.”  
She heard his steps retrieve and exhaled, letting the sobs come. The bath was cold under her bum, her dress too thin to protect her. She stood up and looked in the mirror. Her mascara was all over her cheeks now, making her look mad. Mad Maddie, ha.  
She washed her face with cold water, to help remove the black stains and the redness of her face. It worked, though she still didn’t look right. She wanted to leave the party, though she didn’t want to have to explain anything. She took a few deep breaths, fixed her bangs and pushed the doors open. She kept looking at her feet as she entered the room. She threw a quick glance around and saw Juls standing in the corner, on his phone. Bored, by the looks of it. When she came closer he looked up and frowned.  
“You alright, Madds? You look bad.”  
“Thanks,” she couldn’t help a breathy laugh, but Juls only frowned more. “I, erm… I think I’m going to leave, if that’s okay with you? I think the music is getting at me.”  
“Oh, sure, I wanted to leave, too. Hate parties.”  
“Shall we say goodbye to Neil, then?” she asked, half happy half angry that he wanted to make her company.  
“Nah, I think he won’t really notice if we slip outside. Let’s go,” he grabbed her by the forearm again, his fingers gentle. They got to the entrance door, when she heard:  
“Maddie, you leaving?” it was Todd — he was standing near the room they just left. She felt Juls’ gaze at him.  
“Oh, yeah, I have to leave, sorry. My- My friend called me, my cat is bringing down my flat,” she made up on the spot and heard Juls snort beside her. She bit down her own smile, wondering at the back of her head how on earth she could go from sad to laughing in the space of a few minutes. Must be some sort of a superpower.  
“Oh, right. Was nice to meet you, then. Hope I see you again.”  
“Yeah, me too,” she smiled as Juls pulled her out of the flat, closing the doors behind them.  
“You don’t like the bloke, do you?” he smirked.  
“Well, he is a nice guy.”  
“If you say so,” Juls shrugged and they fell silent. When they got out onto the street, Maddie hugged herself against the chilly air. “Here,” Juls took his jean jacket off and handed it to her.  
“Oh, thanks, you are very kind.”  
“No need to be formal. I’m not that bloke.”  
“Piss off,” she shrugged the jacket on, feeling instantly warmer. It smelled of something very sweet. “Did you eat cakes in this thing?”  
“Huh?”  
“It smells of sugar.”  
“I don’t think sugar smells, you know.”  
“You know what I mean. It smells of something sweet.”  
“Well, I guess,” he scratched his forehead, his eyes looking funny because of his glasses. “You know how I am, I eat sweets everywhere.”  
“That’s true,” she smiled and hid her hands inside the pockets. She snorted, pulling out a candy-bar, wrapped in red paper. “Here you go. Want some?” she handed it to him, and he laughed with her.  
“Half and half?”  
“Sure. I need sugar after all those people.”  
“True. I always have some tea after parties.”  
“Is that an invitation then?”  
“I’ll be happy to share my tea with you today, Madeleine,” he handed her half the bar as they climbed onto a bus and took their sits side by side.  
“My pleasure,” she raised her candy like a toast and they spent the rest of the short ride to his home in silence.   
When they entered his flat, Maddie handed over his jacket.  
“Thanks,” she smiled.  
“No problem. And Madds?”  
“Mmm?”  
“You’ve got chocolate on your teeth.”  
“Ever the gentleman, aren’t you?” she ran her tongue over it, as they came into the kitchen. Juls started making them tea, while she sat at the small table.  
“By the way, how did they get back together? Anna and Neil? I thought he cheated on her or something?”  
“Not really cheated, he broke up with her for that one girl. But she ditched him soon after, and he was left alone.”  
“And Anna forgave him then?”  
“Well, it’s been like half a year by know. And Neil said he asked her out like a few weeks ago,” Juls placed a cup in front of her and took a vase with biscuits out of the cupboard. “And they had a dinner in the sky.”  
“A what?” she paused with her cup halfway up to her mouth.  
“He took a bunch of food to the roof of a high building and they had a date there. And then he said everything he wanted to, and she agreed to give him a second chance. From what I gathered.”  
“Oh, dear. I would shit myself if I was on the roof.”  
“Such a lady, aren’t you?” he chuckled and she brought her hand to her mouth.  
“Sorry, it’s all Peter and his foul mouth.”  
“Excuses, excuses,” he sipped at his tea and looked at her again, his glasses clouding up from the steam. He took them off. “And why would you shit yourself?”  
“I’m scared of heights?”  
“Really?”  
“Yeah. If I climb a chair that’s a few feet too high for me.”  
“Why the hell did you climb that ladder the first day we met?”  
“Well, you don’t really look a friendly type, do you? I thought you might eat me alive if I asked you to help.”  
He snorted.  
“Well it is my job to help the customers, isn’t it?”  
“That’s what Peter said.”  
“I expect that’s why you fell over?”  
“Well, no, I stepped on my dress hem and lost my balance.”  
He chuckled.  
“Oh, come on, stop. If anything, you should try and look more friendly,” she protested.  
“And how does one do that?”  
“I don’t know. Smile at your customers?”  
“I thought that’d be creepy.”  
“Still better than pretending they are not there.”  
“Where you really scared of me?”  
“Couldn’t you tell?”  
He just raised his eyebrows sceptically.  
“Oh, yeah. I expect if everybody is scared of you, you won’t notice any difference?”  
“Shut it,” he smiled and threw a biscuit into his mouth. They fell silent again, till she finished her tea and rose to her feet.  
“Well, I guess I’ll be off. I do need to feed Marcus tonight, or he’ll really bring my flat down.”  
“Right,” he stood up and gestured to the corridor. “Thanks for coming with me today. I wouldn’t bear it on my own,” he smiled as she slid her shoes on. “Oh, and take my jacket. It’d be cold out there,” he handed it to her and she smiled, nodding.  
“So very kind you are, Mr. Grayfrost,” she gave him a bow and he snorted. He was easier on the smile if he was tipsy, she noticed. “I’ll bring it back on Monday, then?”  
“Sure. Erm, goodnight?” he said, as she opened the door.  
“Sleep tight, Juls. See you Monday.”  
She waved and closed the door, thinking to herself, that if it were Todd or Peter, they would probably see her home. At least he gave her his jacket, she thought, though she felt drenched of feelings by this point. She drove the bus home with her thoughts on her warm sofa and Marcus curling against her side. No boys, no worries. No men, no cry, eh?


	9. Chapter 9

“I’m in love with your body,” he sang into her ear. Maddie closed her eyes, feeling the sweat dripping down her back. People around them were all dancing, some too close to be in public. She could feel his breath on her sticky skin, all her body felt like fire. She kissed him blindly, and felt his hands squeeze her waist tighter, closer, always closer.  
“I love you,” she whispered into his lips, overcome with emotion, with excitement, with heat.  
“I love you too,” he answered and kissed her smile. He pulled her so close that there was no air left between them, kissing her with his tongue teasing at her front teeth. He tasted like the beer he just drank at the bar, and Maddie thought, at least the part that could still think did, that she probably tasted of her strawberry cocktail. How very cliche, she would have thought, if not for his fingers travelling down her spine, making everything inside her come to a boil. She felt him walking somewhere, and she followed, still holding onto his sweaty arms, still feeling his breath on her lips. They retrieved from the music and the people, but she still felt hot everywhere, her hair curling even more because of how sweaty she was.  
“Where are we going?” she whispered into another kiss, as another door closed.  
“Toilets. I want you so badly, Madds.”  
“Did you just quote the Beatles in a club loo?” she smiled into the kiss, as he raised her shirt, letting his fingers graze the skin on her stomach.  
“That I did,” he smiled back, young and wild, just like she always knew him.  
“But somebody will walk in,” she said, grabbing him by his belt and drawing him closer.  
“Fuck them,” he whispered, unbuttoning her jeans and pushing her into an empty cabin.  
“Fuck me,” she whispered. “Please,” she breathed out, as he drew her so close she forgot how to speak.  
Maddie shook her head and opened her eyes. Her typewriter was staring back at her, its many eyes all watching her guilty sweaty face. She ran her hand down her face and leant back in her chair. Marcus raised his head from his place in her lap and looked at her, as if he knew what she just remembered. Not true, she told herself. That was all back home, here she lived anew. Here she had flowy dresses, Marcus, Peter, Juls, her typewriter and her cozy flat. The jeans, the sex and the sweat were all stacked safely behind everything else. Not that it was all only passion and sex.   
She remembered writing her first ever story, about a girl who was desperate for love. Naturally, she wrote about herself before her relationship. She remembered writing “I carried my imaginary boyfriend with me everywhere I went. Every bench in the park, every isle in the shop, every classroom in my school”. She threw away that work a few weeks later, when she decided she needn’t have a reminder of what it felt like, to want a boyfriend. She still liked that line though.   
Maybe she’ll give it to one of her future characters, when she decides she is ready to write a love story. That is, when her love life is figured out and she doesn’t get random embarrassing flashbacks. She could write about adventures. In any case, Juls said she was getting better. He said she was good with her language, whatever that was supposed to mean. She guessed she did her descriptions well, though the amount of his remarks sometimes drove her up the wall. “It’s getting better all the time”, he would say. The Beatles be damned, she would think. His stupid music taste, his stupid face, his stupid voice telling her how good she was, but never asking her to dance on that stupid party, never paying her a compliment. Stupid Juls.  
She dialed his number and brought her phone to her ear.  
“Madds?”  
“Yeah, erm, hi. Do you wanna go for a walk? We could take Sirius out?”  
“I’ve already walked him today-”  
“Oh, come on, don’t be boring, huh? I could really do with some air, and I know you could too.”  
“Why so passive aggressive?” he asked. “I guess we are meeting in half an hour?” he added in his stupid accent.  
“See you.”  
“Yeah,” was his response before hanging up.  
Maddie pushed her chair away from her desk and changed into normal clothes, which included her trousers and a huge sweater, leaving behind her tie-dye stained homewear. She stroked Marcus goodbye, plucked in her earbuds and entered the twilight.  
Juls met her at the park entrance, Sirius in tow. At least he had a dog, she thought. Something good about his stupid persona.  
“You alright?” he frowned, yet he looked amused, as she handed him his jean jacket.  
“Yeah, why you asking?”   
“You look funny.”  
“You are so eloquent,” she rolled her eyes.   
“No, really, did you see your hair?”  
“What’s wrong with it?” she felt a bit of her anger sipping out of her at his smile, that grew wider by the second. You are absolutely pathetic, she thought.  
Juls turned on the front camera of his phone and handed it to her.  
“My dear...” she whispered. And she drove the bus in this state? Pathetic.  
Her used to be top bun slid down to the side, making the rest of her hair bend funnily, bringing her close to resembling Dracula. Her dark circles really helped the image, too.  
“Had a good Sunday, I gather?” Juls bit his lip, as she started fixing the disaster on top of her head.  
“Piss off,” she put it into a plaid, as he chuckled quietly, Sirius looking from one to the other. “How do I look?”   
“Not mad,” he smiled again and she rolled her eyes, though she felt a betraying smile nudge her lips.  
“You are a horrible joker, just so you know.”  
“You ain’t much better,” he shrugged and entered the park, Maddie on his heels. “So how did the day go?” he looked at her over his shoulder. She hated to admit he looked good today in his jean jacket again. His stupid jean jacket.  
“Well, I cleaned the whole apartment up, then did my homework and sat down to write, but that didn’t go so well, so I called you.”  
“Am I a way to pass the boredom, then?”  
“Well, as much as I am a way to survive a birthday party.”  
“You did have a good time though, didn’t you? That bloke was drooling all over you.”  
“No he wasn’t, we only danced.”  
“‘Maddie, are you leaving?’ ‘Oh yes, my cat is bringing my flat do-’,” he laughed as she started to hit his back. “Stop it, I’m only joking!”  
“Look who’s talking!” she shouted, feeling a bit mad, her unlet frustration from the memory taking the best of her. “You danced with a girl, too!”  
“Well she asked me to, and I’ve known her forever, was a bit rude to say no, wasn’t it?” his voice was higher, he was definitely holding a laugh. Maddie felt a new urge to hit him. She felt like a character from a very bad (mad) comedy. She wanted to laugh, but she wanted to cry. She had that ball of energy behind her ribcage, that was threatening to blow up at any second now.  
“Oh, look at you, so polite!”  
“What do you mean? Have I ever been rude?”  
“Oh, I don’t know, let’s see,” she pointed her finger at him. “Not paying a compliment to how I looked at that stupid party, though it was only polite to do so; not offering to see me home after your stupid tea; not asking me to dance, and preferring a random mate to me; you didn’t even ask if I reached home yesterday! And it’s only one day!”  
Juls frowned at her, all humor gone from his face now; Sirius was lurking somewhere in the bushes, almost invisible in the gathering darkness. Maddie heard herself breathing hard and the unwanted memories from the night in the club popped into her head again.   
“I’m… sorry,” Juls said, and he sounded genuinely confused. “I didn’t know I should have done all that stuff. I’m sorry, Madds, I didn’t mean to offend you,” he ran his hand threw his hair and Maddie suddenly felt guilty. Guilty for shouting at him, for taking her anger at herself at him, for being rude, for spoiling his evening.  
“Juls, listen, I don’t know what came over me, I- Sorry. I didn’t mean any of it. I’ll go now. I’m sorry I called you and- Sorry,” she started backing away and now turned and ran, she literally ran away from him, his confused face imprinted in her mind’s eye.  
* * *  
She didn’t pop into the bookshop during lunch the next day. Instead she bought herself a lunch in a cafe and texted Peter.  
“I want to be drunk tonight. Very drunk.”  
“Woah, woah, hold your horses, princess. What’s up??”  
“I am a pathetic piece of shite and i need alcohol, please be a proper mate and don’t ask questions?”  
“Something wrong with Juls?”  
“Peeeeeeeter, pleeeeeease. Let’s go to the park at eight and I’ll bring drinks?? PLEASE”  
“Alright, alright. But you owe me an explanation. I don’t spare my study time for empty drinking, you know”  
“Love youuu xxxxx”  
“Love you too, pumpkin. Take care, alright?”  
“Yes mom”  
He didn’t answer after that, so Maddie just stared at her phone screen, feeling foolish. If only she didn’t call Juls yesterday, she would be now on that old creaking stool at his desk, clutching a cup of tea and munching on a cake. Instead, she got out into the August sun, feeling like the eight o’clock couldn’t come faster.

“You do know that I’m still underage?” was the first thing Peter said when he found her at their favourite place on the high hill, from which they could see the pond bathed in pink sunlight. “And if police sees us, we are in huge trouble,” he wrapped his arms around her, and she leant into the touch, closing her eyes.  
“Thanks for coming,” she said quietly and felt a kiss in her hair. “You are the best pumpkin I know.”  
He snorted and squeezed her shoulder once before letting go. Maddie straightened up and rummaged in her bag. She handed him a can of his favourite cherry cider.  
“Looks like a soda, doesn’t it?” she smiled and he rolled his eyes.  
“How much was it?”  
“Ah, forget it. I put you at risk after all,” she knocked their cans together and took a sip, the liquid leaving a pleasant warmth in its wake.  
“I’ll get you some ice-cream then?”  
“You don’t have to, but that will be appreciated.”  
He laughed quietly, the sound somehow sounding concerned.  
“So what happened?” he asked after a while, quietly, looking at the setting sun. Maddie thought it looked ashamed, shy, as if it was blushing from all the attention it was getting. Then she thought that it was one of those stupid comparisons Juls loved when she used in her writing.  
“I got into a quarrel with Juls yesterday.”  
“He did summat wrong?”  
“I think I got my hopes too high for him, you know. Thought he felt the same.”  
“So you like him for reals?”  
“Yep.”  
“Shit.”  
“Exactly.”  
“And he doesn’t reciprocate? Did you talk about it?”  
“Well, I felt funny yesterday. You know, after the party on Saturday where he paid me zero attention, and then we had that tea or whatever, I figured I was only a friend to him. So I got sort of worked up yesterday evening, and I called him and asked him out for a walk.”  
“You could have phoned me, you idiot.”  
“I know, I know, I thought that afterwards. But, anyway, we started talking, and I don’t know what got into me, I just started yelling at him about how rude he was not to ask me to dance, not to offer to see me home after the party, shit like that. I don’t know why I even thought all those things, like I got used to the fact that he wasn’t really a gentleman, you know. We were always proper mates, I don’t think he really saw a girl in me.”  
“Well, it’s hard to miss,” Petter nudged her shoulder and she felt a smile on her lips. It fell quickly though.  
“Thanks, love.”  
“And what was next?”  
“Well, he just stood there, looking very lost and confused. I mean, I would have done too, I was hysterical, out of my mind. And he said he was sorry, and he didn’t know that not doing all those things was rude, and he never wanted to offend me,” her voice got quieter with every word.  
“And what did you say?”  
“I said I was sorry and ran for it. And now I’m here.”  
“So you didn’t have lunch with him today?”  
“Nope. Can’t bear look into his face. I don’t know if it will continue, if I’m honest.”  
“Do you want it to?”  
“I dunno anymore,” she shrugged and felt tears welling up in her eyes. Peter pulled her close again, and she tucked her face into his shoulder and started crying noiselessly. “It’s just so hard, you know. I promised myself not to think much of it, that it was just a friendship, but then we went through so much, and he seems to want me by his side. But then he is so messed up, and he doesn’t feel much, and here am I, feeling too much. It’s just- just-”  
“I know,” Peter whispered, so gently, so caringly, Maddie wanted to stay in his arms forever.  
“I love you, pumpkin,” she said on a sob, curling further into his body.  
“I love you too, princess,” she felt another kiss in her hair and he continued to stroke her back.   
They sat in silence, forgotten in that dark corner of the park, the night gathering around them, bringing them closer. Maddie stayed with her eyes closed, feeling Peter’s chest rising and falling with each breath he took. Peter was warm, real, and just always there for her. At that moment she felt like he was the only one who could hug her and say he loved her, with such ease and sincerity it made her solids turn liquid. Who needed boyfriends when you had friendships? Steady supportive friendships.  
Gradually, her breathing calmed down, her tears stopped coming and her body didn’t shake in sobs anymore. She drew the hood of her hoody further up to keep her head warm, while Peter just kept stroking her back. But then,  
“Juls?” it was Peter’s voice, but Maddie refused to believe it. She slowly straightened up, her skin burning on the cold air. She turned around and saw Juls frowning down at her, Sirius sniffing at Peter. “Sirius?” he asked, stroking the dogs head, his other hand still hovering over Maddie’s shoulders.   
“Madds? You alright?” Juls asked, ignoring Peter altogether. “Why didn’t you come today?”  
“I- I felt a bit sick,” she lied and felt her chest constrict. Juls squinted at her, and she felt naked. Peter’s hand on her shoulder felt too present. She took it off gently, feeling her friend’s stare, but she didn’t look back. She had eyes for Juls only.  
“Don’t lie, alright?” Juls said, sounding tired. “I was worried, you know,” he added, rubbing the bridge of his nose, where his glasses cut into his skin, leaving red imprints. “Is it Peter?” he turned, and Peter nodded, standing up. They shook hands.  
“Nice to meet you, mate,” Peter smiled and Juls smiled back. Did Maddie just drink too much and now she had hallucinations? “Madds?” Peter bent low and looked at her closely. “Alright?” he asked quietly, so only she could hear. She nodded, and he nodded back. He reached out his hand, and she took it, helping herself to her feet.  
“Thanks,” she muttered, and he gently squeezed her fingers before letting go.  
“Do you lot want me to give you some space?” Peter asked, gesturing at the path. “I could walk Sirius for a bit?”  
“No,” Maddie said, before Juls could even open his mouth. They both frowned at her.  
“You sure, p-Madds?” Peter caught himself at the last moment, and Maddie was grateful.  
“Yeah. I’ll come to the bookshop tomorrow, shall I? If you’ll have me,” she added, glancing at her feet.  
“Sure, I’ll be waiting,” Juls said, a sad smile on his face.  
“Did you know she has her birthday this Wednesday?” Peter said suddenly, and both Maddie and Juls looked at him, confused.  
“She does?” asked Juls.  
“Yeah. She didn’t plan to celebrate, though.”  
“We have to go,” Maddie found her voice again and snatched Peter’s hand, dragging him along. “See you tomorrow, Juls!” she called, without looking back.  
“Bye,” he called.  
“Was nice to see you, mate!” Peter waved at him over his shoulder.  
“What was that about?” hissed Maddie when they were out of earshot.  
“What?”  
“‘She got her birthday this Wednesday!’”  
“Oh, come off it, Madds! I did you a favour!”  
“Did you now?”  
“Yes I did, princess, and you’ll thank me later,” he grabbed her hand more firmly and didn’t let go all the way to their flats. Maddie kept silent, thinking about the next day’s noon and a hundred and one ways to apologise.  
“Well, good luck tomorrow?” Peter said, as they stopped in front of their doors.  
“Thanks. And thanks for today.”  
“Any time, really. Call me right after?”  
“Sure. Goodnight.”  
“Night, princess,” he squeezed her close one last time before letting go.

The next day Maddie found herself at her closet, stuck for the first time in a long time with what to wear. She kept telling herself that fussing about her look was very stupid and childish. It was just another lunch, like any other lunch they spent all this summer. She growled in her despair, Marcus giving her a stern look, and finally threw the too flowy dress back onto a shelf, making a choice towards her wide jeans and a sweater. She made sure she didn’t look like a Dracula thought, before leaving for the bakery. All the way to the bookshop, including picking up the cake, felt different, and very worrisome. She grew more and more agitated with each step she took, as if she had eaten worms for breakfast. By the time she reached the door, her hands were trembling, but she took a deep breath, and swung the door open.  
“You came,” she heard before she saw him. Juls stood up from his chair, but stayed at his spot, as Maddie herself came to a halt right in front of the door.  
“I did,” she smiled and fiddled with the paper bag in her hands. “Erm, I went for the caramel one today? If that’s okay?”  
“Sure,” he nodded. They acted as if they haven’t seen each other for months, if not years. “I’ll- I’ll make some tea, then.”  
“Right.”  
“You can come in, you know,” he nodded at the stool in front of the desk, as he made his way to his tea corner.  
Maddie nodded and dropped into the chair, facing away from him. She shut her eyes tightly for a second and balled her hands into tight fists, before relaxing. Now or never.  
“I’m really sorry that you had to see me like that yesterday,” she started, still with her back on him. She heard him pause for a second, but then he resumed, saying,  
“Well, I’m glad I did.”  
“Why?” she turned and he gave her a smile over his shoulder. His skinny frame was dark against the bright window.  
“Well, now you are here. God only knows when I would have seen you otherwise.”  
“You sound as if you missed me.”  
“But I did!” he turned to face her full on, leaving the half made tea behind. “What do you mean I sound like it?”  
“Well, you don’t make an impression of a caring person, that’s all.”  
“Do you want to start the argument again? Did I forget to do something and was rude today also?” he frowned at her, and Maddie shook her head.  
“No, sorry. Sorry about that, too. I should never have said that either. That was rude.”  
“No, it’s alright. At least now we are on the same page,” she could see he was still tense when he turned away again.  
“Are we though?”  
“Well, I mean now I know how not to be rude around you.”  
“And what is it exactly?”  
“I guess I just won’t ask you out, so I don’t have to see you home,” he shrugged with his back on her and Maddie stood up.  
“You can’t be serious!”  
Juls turned and she saw his amused expression. Her arms fell to her sides as he chuckled.  
“Oh, shut it,” she groaned and sank back down into the chair, as he put the two cups onto the table between them. “Thanks.”  
“Welcome,” he actually winked at her. Juls Grayfrost could wink. She stared at him with wide eyes.  
“Are you sure you are alright?”  
“What?”  
“Or maybe you had one too many sweets this morning?”  
“What’s wrong?” he smiled again.  
“I’ve never seen you smile so much.”  
“Oh, well,” he shrugged. “Times change.”  
She just squinted at him, clutching the cup for warmth.  
“Alright, alright, I did have a cake this morning already.”  
“But how are you so thin if you live off sugar? Do you eat anything other than sweets?”  
“Well, I do, actually. I’ll have you know I have only one sweet meal, and that’s this cake with you.”  
“Aha, and the biscuits in the cupboards are just there for Sirius, I suppose?”  
“You have no idea what a sweet tooth he is,” he stage-whispered at her, and Maddie snorted. Juls hid his laugh behind his hand.  
“No, but I’m serious.”  
“Well, I’m too. I know how to cook, you know. Why would you care anyway?”  
“Oh,” she hastened to take a sip and blame her blush on the hot liquid. “You know, us girls, always trying to lose weight and all that.”  
“But you are alright,” he genuinely frowned at her and Maddie snorted again.  
“That’s the best compliment you can give, is it?”  
“That’s- it’s not a compliment,” he said grumpily, looking at his hands.  
“Well, you better learn one or two, or all the good girls will be taken.”  
“Did you or did you not just quote Fred Weasley at me?”  
“You are such a nerd,” she rolled her eyes. “But yeah, I did. He was my favourite character, actually.”  
“Oh.”  
“Yeah, and the seventh book hit me hard with that. But when I was a kid, I used to ask my sister to draw Harry’s scar on me all the time.”  
“Really?”  
“Yep,” Maddie looked around the desk and snatched his sharpy. She stood up and bent over the desk, before Juls even realized what was going on. “Just like that,” she said, finishing her last line on his forehead.  
“You’ve got a sister?” he only asked as she sat down and handed him her little mirror. He examined his scar with a half-smile.  
“Yep. She is in France though, with her boyfriend.”  
“Oh. Cool. Is she older?”  
“Yep. Five years.”  
“And does she visit you often?”  
“They come for Christmas and sometimes over the summer, but not this time. She couldn’t get out because of her work.”  
“Do you miss her?”  
“I’m kinda used to her being away by now, it’s been a few years,” Maddie shrugged. “We call everyday though.”  
“That’s nice.”  
“Did you ever want to have siblings?” Maddie eyes him carefully. Juls just shrugged.  
“Haven’t really thought about it, I guess.”  
“Well, I suppose you have Neil and his family for that, eh?”  
“I guess.”  
“Oh my god! Just like Harry did!” she pointed at his forehead with a drawn scar and he snorted.   
“You reckon Neil is my Ron?”  
“Why not? And you said he had a nerd sister, kinda like Percy?”  
“She is not like him at all,” Juls laughed, folding his arms. Maddie raised her eyebrows.  
“What’s so funny then?”  
“Well, you know, I just wondered, who will you be, then? Hermione wasn’t really the artsy type?”  
“Yeah, and I don’t have any intention of marrying Neil, so, no thanks.”  
“Well then, I guess you are Ginny?”  
“Piss off,” she took up her cup again as Juls just shook his head to himself, still smiling. “How did you find Peter by the way?”  
“Your friend?”  
“Yes, my friend.”  
“Well, Sirius liked him right away, must be a good sign,” Juls shrugged.  
“Is that why you keep him then? To tell apart the good from the bad?”  
“And he is also very warm, which comes handy in colder months.”  
“Does he know that?”  
“Nope. And don’t you dare tell him.”  
“You are the most heartless person I know.”  
“I guess me too,” he shrugged again, still looking rather pleased with himself. Maddie couldn’t figure out why though. “What are your plans for tomorrow evening?” he asked nonchalantly. Maddie almost choked on her cake. She coughed and answered in a small voice,  
“Nothing. Why do you ask?”  
“Well, I’m asking you out again for your birthday. That is, if you don’t have other plans.”  
“When did you go from ‘can you please come with me to Neil I hate social life’ to ‘I’m asking you out’?”  
“We don’t know,” he shrugged.  
“We? You schizophrenic or something?”  
“Scared?” he leant forward, going to the stage whisper again.  
“Piss off,” she flipped him off and he snorted.  
“So I’ll pick you up at seven tomorrow?”  
“Pick me up?”  
“Well, see, I think it’s only polite to pick the person you asked out up.”  
“Look who’s talking!”  
“What can I say, I learn on my mistakes.”  
“No, really, what’s wrong with you today? Are you tipsy? Did you not sleep well? What happened?”  
“It’s all fine, calm down, Madds.”  
She squinted at him again and then her phone buzzed. She glanced at the clock — it was almost one o’clock, she should go; that would be Peter asking her for how it all went.  
“Alright. I’ll see you tomorrow at lunch then?” she got up and Juls nodded.  
“And cake’s on me tomorrow. It is your birthday, after all,” he smiled again and she rolled her eyes.


	10. Chaoter 10

The next morning Maddie woke up to someone banging on her front door. She blinked her eyes open as Marcus lept off her sofa onto the floor, clearly not happy with the bangs either.   
“One second!” Maddie shouted at the door, almost sure who was behind it.  
“Well, hurry up, princess, ‘cause that shite is heavy,” Peter yelled threw the door, as Maddie wrapped herself into a fluffy grey dressing gown.  
“What did you,” she mumbled, opening the door, but stopped abruptly at the sight of a huge packet with a silly bow on top. She couldn’t even see Peter behind it.  
“Happy Birthday!” he shouted and walked in, as she held the doors open. He dropped the thing onto the floor, carefully leaning it against the wall, and turned to her with his arms spread wide. “Happy Birthday, princess!” he beamed at her and pulled her into a tight hug. They swayed on the spot from left to right, before he let go.  
“Thanks,” she smiled. “But what is that?”  
“Well, there is only one way to find out,” Peter shrugged, stepping to the side, so Maddie could crouch down and open her present. When she finally did, her jaw fell open.  
“You didn’t!” she turned to him, still crouched down, and Peter smiled.  
“I bloody well did! I mean, it’s from the whole family, but I came up with the idea! Brilliant, isn’t it?”  
“But that’s- it’s so expensive. You shouldn’t have- Oh, Peter,” she hugged him again, and felt him laugh as he wrapped his arms around her back.  
“But we love you, pumpkin.”  
“Oh, I love you, too. Thank you so, so much,” she squeezed him very tight before stepping back.  
“I’ll help you get it to your working place then?”  
Peter bent down and picked up the easel, and Maddie hurried after him to her desk.  
“I think it’ll be better near the window. Yeah, here. Thanks a lot,” she beamed again as Peter straightened up. “Want me to make you breakfast then?”  
“Yeah, I wouldn’t mind some food after my hard work,” he stretched and she chuckled. They went to the kitchen area and Peter made himself comfortable in his chair. “It’s only for you I’m ready to lift such heavy things first thing in the morning,” he yawned and Maddie yawned too.  
“Stop it, it’s contagious,” she smiled, starting up the pancakes. “What you are going to do today?”  
“Well, mom is taking a day off to buy all the stuff I’ll need for college. And then I guess I’ll just hang out with someone. You celebrating with Juls?” he asked.  
“He asked me out for tonight.”  
“Don’t thank me,” Peter winked and Maddie rolled her eyes.  
“I could very well have spent the day with you, you know. I’ll really miss you when you go away.”  
“Well, we still have tomorrow, I’m leaving only Friday anyway,” he shrugged.  
“And you are coming back only on Christmas?”  
“Well, probably. But you can come visit, you know. Over the weekends.”  
“I guess I’ll have to,” Maddie gave him a sad smile. “I need my friend, don’t I?”  
“You’ll have your Juls bloke though.”  
“Oh yeah, and he is of course just as close to me as you are.”  
“Ha, there’ll never be another Peter. I’m, to put it simply, the best.”  
“And the most modest.”  
“That,” he pointed at her, “is out of the question.”  
Maddie snorted.  
“No, but really, I’ll really miss you. Don’t forget your old Madds, alright?”  
She sat opposite him and moved his plate towards him.  
“Thanks,” he said, taking up his fork. “Of course I won’t, you know that. You are my best friend too, you know.”  
“We are so cheesy, aren’t we.”  
Peter only chuckled.  
“So you have any idea where you going to go to tonight?” he asked after a minute or so.  
“Nope. But I don’t think it’ll be anything crazy.”  
“Why not? Maybe you gonna go ride an elephant or something.”  
Maddie choked.  
“Ride an elephant? What makes you say that?”  
“Well, I dunno, do I? It’s not even nine yet. I’m usually asleep at this time.”  
“Maybe that’s what your dream was supposed to be about today? Riding an elephant?”  
“You should call your next story that. Something about pursuing your crazy dreams. You know that shite they say all the time: ‘You can do anything you put your mind to. Ride an elephant, baby, don’t be afraid!’”

Peter eventually left to go shopping, and Maddie dressed up into her favourite blue dress and a warm cardigan, before leaving for the bookshop. She opened the doors timidly and looked inside, her feet still out. Juls looked up from the table, where he was assembling the little cake, and smiled at her.  
“Happy birthday, Madds!” he said as she walked inside.  
“Thanks,” she smiled, feeling rather hot in the face, her heart beating faster than usual. Juls came up to her and she froze for a second, before she realized he wanted to hug her. “Oh,” she only said, when he pulled her into a lose embrace. “Right, birthday hugs.”  
Juls chuckled and let her go as soon as it was polite to.  
“Here you go, help yourself,” he gestured to the table, stepping aside. She looked at a rather wobbly cake and her eyes widened.  
“Did you bake it?” she turned to him, as he took his place at the opposite side of the desk.  
“Yep. Chocolate cake with orange zest. It’s delicious.”  
“How modest,” she rolled her eyes and dropped into her chair. “But thank you. And you didn’t have to.”  
“Drop it, it’s fine. I haven’t baked for a while. Is it good?”  
“Delicious!” and it really was. Only then she remembered Juls once said he used to cook it to his grandma. Actually, didn’t he say it on the day she passed away?.. She swallowed with difficulty, and ordered her body to remain relaxed. “Yeah. Did your gran teach you how to cook it?”  
“Actually, it was my dad,” he said as if his mind wasn’t here, but far, far away. “He used to bake cakes every Sunday. ‘Cause, you know, my mother never really cooked.”  
“Oh, right,” Maddie dropped her gaze.  
“Anyway,” Juls said, evidently attempting to make this day about Maddie, not him. “Did you get any presents already?”  
“Yeah, Peter woke me up with his, actually.”  
“Really? How come?”  
“He banged on my door at like eight o’clock and carried a huge easel inside. It was from their whole family,” she added. “And then we just had breakfast at my place and he left to do his shopping for college.”  
“He is leaving?”  
“Yep. This Friday.”  
“Oh. You must be sad?”  
“Sort of. We agreed to spend the day tomorrow together, you know.”  
“That’s nice. How long are you friends with him?”  
“About four years now. Or like, three and a half — since I came to uni here.”  
“Right.”  
“So, erm, are you going to tell me what we’re doing tonight?”  
Juls just smiled and shook his head.  
“You’ll just have to wait and see.”  
“Oh, come on, Juls. It’s my birthday.”  
“Exactly. That’ll be a surprise,” he gave her a malicious smile.

And so Maddie waited for seven o’clock, thinking about all the possible ways it could go. Maybe they’ll go on a roller-coaster? Or drive to the coast? Nah, that’s too romantic. But what if he wants to make it romantic? Maybe he wants to ask her to be his girlfriend? Maddie stopped in her trucks on her way out and stared into distance. No way. No, no, no. You are just lying to yourself again, she thought. You have to stop.  
She saw Juls right when she stepped out of her building.  
“Hi,” he smiled, once again in his black clothes and his jean jacket. He even gave her a comical bow and Maddie raised her eyebrows, amused.  
“Do you have any other clothes?” she asked, as they started towards the bus-stop.  
“You don’t like it?”  
“I mean, they do look good, but you have to have more than one thing for your nights out.”  
“Well, if I’m honest, I don’t go out that much. This last week was two times too many.”  
Maddie shook her head, smiling.   
“You look nice tonight,” he added quietly, more serious, and Maddie blushed right there on the spot.  
“Trying to be a gentleman, are we?” she asked, and he shrugged. “Thank you, anyway.”  
“You’re welcome,” he climbed the bus after her and Maddie turned to him in the crowded space.  
“Where are we going?”  
“You’ll see.”  
He winked at her and Maddie frowned, a step away from pouting. She stared out the window at the surroundings getting into pinkish hues. It was a sunny day today, and the shy sky stayed clear, now throwing everything underneath into pinks and gentle blues. It looked wonderful, actually. Something like Van Gogh would paint, she thought.   
They got out on the stop and Maddie frowned at him.  
“But isn’t it where your flat is? Are we going to yours then?”  
Juls shrugged and pulled something out of his pocket. It was a wide ribbon of sorts.  
“Are you saying you want to blindfold me?”  
“Exactly.”  
“What in the world,” she muttered, turning around so he could tie it around her eyes. She could feel his breath in her hair, his presence behind her back somehow both comforting and disturbing.  
“Come on,” she heard him say from somewhere to her right, and then he took her by the wrist, gently pulling her forward.   
Maddie followed him into a building, than up the stairs; but if she was correct, they didn’t go to his flat, because they went higher then the third floor. Come to think of it, she wasn’t even sure if they were in his building. Juls didn’t say anything except for warning her about turns and steps. Finally, she felt fresh air on her skin and froze with the realisation. Surely he didn’t?..  
He untied the ribbon and Maddie looked around. They were standing on a roof, the world around them now very pink, with bits of yellow and violet. She spotted a small table not far away, with a bottle of wine and food. She swallowed and turned to Juls, who looked at her closely, expecting a reaction.  
“That’s- that’s wonderful,” Maddie managed. “Really, thank you,” she spoke quietly, and his small smile relaxed into a lopsided grin.  
“You like it?” he took her wrist again and pulled her towards the table.  
“Of course I do! This is very lovely! I’d never expect you to-” she stopped and Juls snorted.  
“To be romantic?”  
“Well, yes,” she sat down and he dropped opposite her.  
“I was actually worried you won’t like it, because you are afraid of heights. But that actually was why I did it in the first place.”  
“Oh,” she said at a lack for words, as Juls opened the bottle with a pop. He remembered. Wow. “No, actually”, she found her voice again, “it’s alright, ‘cause I don’t have to look down from this spot, you know. Thanks,” she said, taking her glass.  
“Well, I’m glad you like it,” he smiled, raising his glass to hers. “To you and your birthday, Madds. Happy twenty two!”  
She nodded, smiling, and took a sip, looking around at the skies.  
“Beautiful, isn’t it?” she asked, not really looking at him, but feeling his gaze on her.  
“Thought you’d like it.”  
“Why?” she turned and looked at him.  
“You are an artist, aren’t you?” he just shrugged and gestured at the food between them. “It’s all vegan, by the way.”  
Maddie looked down and saw different takeaways — pizza, wraps, another chocolate cake, and curry.  
“Wow. Did you learn how to make a vegan cake then?”  
“Funny you didn’t ask at lunch. What if I gave you a normal one?”  
“You didn’t!”  
“No, no, of course not. That’s why it doesn’t look so firm, you know. Baking without eggs is a disaster.”  
“Well, I’m really glad you tried.”  
“No problem. It’s your birthday, after all. I won’t bother any other day.”  
“Shut it,” she smiled and picked up her fork. “Shall we?”  
“Can’t wait to eat grass!”  
Maddie rolled her eyes rather fondly and took a forkful of her curry.  
“Oh, dear, it’s revolting!” she put her hand to her mouth and swallowed with difficulty. Juls paused with his fork halfway up to his mouth.  
“Excuse me?”  
“Where did you get that? It’s all burned, and it tastes like old pants and, ugh,” she washed it down with her wine, emptying her whole glass in one go. “Dear,” she muttered, pushing the dish away. Juls blinked at her.  
“Erm, want to try pizza instead?”  
“You’d better hope it’s alright,” she said mostly to herself.  
“Hey, Madds, I’m sorry. I never meant to-”  
“No, no, no, of course. It’s not your fault, don’t worry,” she gave him a smile, noticing only now how actually uncomfortable he looked. “Let’s try pizza then.”  
Thank heavens, it was edible. Even quite tasty, actually.   
“Much better,” she smiled, and Juls took his bite. “Am I like a testing animal?” she asked, amused.  
“Well, I don’t know what tastes you are used to, do I? What if it’s disgusting to me but it’s meant to taste that way?”  
“Will anyone change their diet if what they got to eat was disgusting though?”  
“True.”  
They ate in silence for a few bits, Maddie taking in the surroundings. Juls looked funny painted in pinks; it didn’t suit him at all; if she would ever paint him, she thought, she’d so it in greens and browns, to match his eyes. She blushed at the thought and hastily took a sip of her wine,which Juls had just refilled. He raised his eyebrows at her.  
“Erm,” she bit her cheek. “Truth or dare?”  
“Alright. Truth.”  
“Have you ever found someone hot?”  
“Nope.”  
“Like never ever? Not even, like, girls with perfect bodies?”  
“I mean… no. I was just never interested in the subject, I guess.”  
“‘Interested in the subject’? You sound like such a- such a-”  
“Snob?”  
“Well, yes.”  
“Truth or dare?” he asked with a smile.  
“Truth.”  
“If you were a man, what would you be like?”  
She leant back in her chair and thought for a moment.  
“Well, I think I would be the funny one, whom everybody loves. I’ll be polite, but cheeky. And probably gay.”  
“Gay? Really?”  
“Well, yes. I can’t really imagine myself with a woman. Boys are way too hot.”  
“Even if he was like, super fat and in pimples and burped every two minutes?”  
“Girls burp too, just so you know.”  
“You do?”  
She gave him a poker face and he snorted.  
“Truth or dare?” she asked.  
“Truth.”  
“Do you have a guilty pleasure?”  
“Hmm. I guess watching kids’ cartoons every Sunday morning counts?”  
Maddie giggled. Juls was impossibly cute, wasn’t he? Can you even be impossibly cute?  
“Do you?” he asked.  
“I watch reality TV sometimes.”  
“Really? What kind?”  
“Love Island,” she smiled at her glass and didn’t look up.  
“Pathetic,” he said in that comical tone of his he took on when he was mocking someone.  
Maddie shrugged, still not looking up.  
“Alright, it’s your turn. I already asked my question,” he said.  
“Let’s see… If you could be any character of any fictional world, who would you be and why?”  
“Probably Atticus from To Kill a Mockingbird. He was a cool guy.”  
“Thought you’d say Dumbledore or something.”  
“He is a bit cliche, ain’t he?”  
“Harry?”  
“Eh. Boring. And I won’t envy his life, you know. Don’t reckon I’d willingly go die, even if the world depended on me.”  
“I guess you’d be Slytherin or Ravenclaw?”  
“I actually did the test twice, and the first time I got Ravenclaw, but then turned into a Slytherin. Like a few years later, I don’t even know why.”  
“Life is a bitch, they say?”  
“Aren’t you a bit too young to say that?”  
“I’m joking; I don’t really think it is. Can you guess my house?”  
“I’m putting between Gryffindor and Hufflepuff.”  
“Both ‘brave and unafraid of toil’?”  
“Well, I’d reckon it’s probably Gryffindor, but I do see some Hufflepuff in you.”  
“Must be my yellow cardigan, eh?”  
Juls snorted and shrugged, sipping at his wine.  
“Well, you were right, I am a Gryffindor. Though I think it changes, if I’m honest. Remember Dumbledore once told Snape he thought they sorted too early?”  
“I mean, it’s like your temperament, isn’t it? You are born with it, and so is the Hogwarts house.”  
“But life happens. What if you were a filthy Slytherin — no offense — but then fell in love with a farmer?”  
“Then you’ll be a noble Slytherin on a farm,” he said with a smile.  
“Slytherin you are. Right down to the bones.”  
“I’ll take it as a compliment. Whose turn is it, by the way?”  
“You go.”  
“Did you ever envy your sister?”  
“In anything specific?”  
“Just in general.”  
“We used to loathe each other when I was a kid and she was a teenager. Like I’d never let her do her homework in quiet, and she’ll always yell at me for no reason.”  
“No reason?”  
“Well, it seemed like it back then,” Maddie looked into nothingness, smiling. “But envying… I don’t really know. Maybe when she got, like, cool presents and I didn’t.”  
“You seem too good a person,” he said with that strange air, that, if she didn’t know him, she’d think he even admired her for that.  
“It’s just not everyone is a Slytherin, you know.”   
“Piss off. Your question?”  
“Alright. Did you ever think of having a family? Like a wife and kids?”  
“I don’t know. I just always thought that kinda happens and you can’t really dream about things like that.”  
“Why not? It’s totally on you. Or do you expect your ‘the one’ to knock on your doors and be like hey, want to go out?”  
“Well, I met you a bit like that,” he smiled and Maddie flushed for the upteenth time that evening. “So maybe she will,” he finished and she had to take a second to pull her thoughts back together.  
“But you won’t, like, be disappointed if you end up on your own?”  
“My dad is doing alright,” he shrugged and emptied his glass. He reached for the bottle to refill.  
“But he has you now. And you can’t know for sure, maybe he has a lady you don’t know about?”  
“I mean, I got by just fine by now, why should that be an issue later?” he asked and Maddie shrugged, deciding to drop the subject. She took her refilled glass instead.  
“Alright. Your turn.”  
“Have you ever thought about dating Peter?”  
“What? No, no, it’s disgusting, no! He is like a brother! No!”  
“Alright, alright, calm down,” Juls laughed at her reaction. “It’s just you looked all lovey-dovey when I found you. So I thought, you know. He is a good looking lad.”  
“Just because you don’t like hugging, doesn’t mean friends can’t enjoy it, you know. We just both like physical contact, I guess. Peter and I.”  
“Oh, okay. Sorry I asked.”  
“No, it’s- I suppose it is rather suspicious. But I’ve known him since he was, like, thirteen or something. He wasn’t that good-looking back then, trust me.”  
“Yeah, I mean, adolescents are quite ugly, aren’t they?”  
“I guess it all par for the course. You have to get ugly at some point to turn alright in the end,” Maddie smiled.  
“Maybe. Your turn?”  
“What was your first impression of me and my writing?”  
“Hmm,” he tapped his chin with his fingertips and Maddie caught herself watching the movement. She snatched her gaze away. “Awkward, but kind. And you were very, very annoying.”  
“Annoying? Why?”  
“Well, if you remember you talked and talked and talked for the first few times, before I started reading your works. I guess you ramble when you are nervous.”  
“Do I?”  
“Yep. And I thought you were a bit shallow because of it. Like a typical girl, kind of, you know?”  
“Wow, thanks.”  
“No, no, I don’t mean to offend you,” he made a weird twitch with his hand, as if he wanted to reach over the table and hold her hand, but realised it and thought better. “Your writings made me see more in you, actually. I mean, they were pretty ‘meh’, but you see the world in an interesting way. And you are quite good with your language. Especially if you say you haven’t been writing for long.”  
“Oh. Thank you. It’s really nice to hear. From you.”  
“From me? Why?”  
“You don’t seem to be the type to bullshit.”  
“Should I take it as a compliment?”  
“I mean, it is quite an accomplishment,” Maddie smiled and Juls snorted.  
“Thanks, then.”  
They fell into another silence, but it was a pleasant one. Juls sipped at his wine, looking at the popping stars, while Maddie looked at him. She looked and thought, and she liked her thoughts. Wanted to believe them, even. And as she drank on, she started believing them more and more, which felt strangely like free falling. But this free falling she liked. And so when Juls asked her quietly, “What are you thinking about?”  
She only blushed, biting on her lip.  
“Madds?”  
“I-” she trailed off, looking into his eyes. He looked at her with interest, with that small smile of his, and asked so, so softly,  
“You alright?”  
“I think I like you.” she said and he smiled. And so she smiled also. Was it always so easy? Why didn’t she say it earlier?  
“I like you too, Madds. You are drunk, aren’t you? Come on, I’ll get you home.”  
No, she thought, he didn’t get it.  
“But I like you,” she said, as Juls rose from his chair and attempted to drag her up by her shoulder. She stood up and looked into his face, inches from hers, now looking concerned.  
“You need sleep,” he said. “I think you had too much wine, or something. Come on,” he nodded behind her back, but Maddie shook her head, frowning. Why didn’t he get it? She liked him!  
“I like you, Juls. Fancy you. As a man,” she said and watched his face go from concerned to surprise. She should count it as a win, she thought — after all, one barely saw this man change his facial expressions for days.  
“Come on, let’s go,” this time he tried to drag her by her forearm, but she didn’t budge. She folded her arms and stared at him.  
“I need to hear it back,” she said.  
“Hear what?”  
“That you like me. As a girl, not a friend.”  
“But I- I don’t think I do?”  
He looked guilty, that’s the thing, and maybe it’s his face, or his tone, or the words themselves that sobered her in a second; in fact, it happened so fast she felt the world around her shift for a moment, before coming to stillness again. Oh, what did she just do! She felt tears welling up her eyes and heard her own sob. Juls opened his mouth, looking horrified, but Maddie just shook her head and ran past him, through the door, down the steps, out onto the street. Away, away, away.


	11. Chapter 11

Maddie woke up with her head splitting in two. It took a moment to realise why: she cried herself to sleep last night. That is, after she walked all the way home on foot, not feeling like getting onto a stuffed bus. It took her quite a few hours actually, so that by the time she closed the doors of her flat her legs begged for mercy. But it wasn’t enough for her body to go to sleep at once; no, she had to stay for crying her heart out on her own damn birthday. Her happy twenty two couldn’t have started better, eh?  
She dragged herself out of bed and into her bathroom, taking her time in the shower. It helped with her headache a bit, but not completely. So she got out, her cold wet hair licking her spine and shoulders, making her shiver, and rumbled through a bag in the kitchen, looking for painkillers. She heard a gentle knock on the doors as she put her glass back onto the table with an unwelcome clunk. She shuffled to the doors and looked into the peephole. She swung the doors open and was met by,  
“You look horrible!”  
“Good morning to you too,” she croaked and let Peter in. He closed the doors with another loud clunk and Maddie scrunched her face.  
“Did you just have too much alcohol or did everything go not as planned?” he asked, eyeing her apprehensively. As if if he talked too loudly she’d just be blown into pieces.  
“The latter,” she sighed and walked into the kitchen, pulling her dressing gown tighter around herself. She pulled her hood up, shivering slightly in the cold flat.  
“Shit,” Peter said. “Sit down and I’ll make you tea, shall I?”  
“Thank you,” she almost whispered and sat down, leaning against the wall behind her.  
“Do you want to talk about it?”  
“Yeah. I mean, not really, but… I told him I liked him, I don’t know what got into me,” she was talking with her eyes closed, not wanting to see Peter’s surprised face. “And he thought I was talking of, like, a friendly feeling. But I said I liked him as a guy, and he just froze. And then I asked him to say it back, and he… He said he couldn’t, ‘cause he didn’t like me.”  
She could feel the silence creeping its way into the room, as all the sounds paused in the flat. Even the clock on the wall seemed to have frozen.  
“Say something,” she begged quietly, her eyes still closed. “Please, pumpkin, I hate silences,” she brought her hand to her eyes, but felt it snatched away. Peter pulled her up into a hug, and Maddie was grateful. She brought her arms around him and grabbed fistfuls of his flanel, while he ran his hands up and down her spine and her hooded head. She felt tears coming and sobbed out, “It’s so pathetic. Why am I so pathetic?”  
“You are not pathetic,” she heard his quiet voice, muffled by her hood. “Don’t think like that, princess,” he added, and there was pain in his voice, pain that made Maddie feel so grateful for having Peter in her life.  
“I love you,” she said, squeezing her eyes shut to stop the tears coming. She failed and only sobbed harder.  
“I love you, too. I wish I didn’t have to leave you in this state.”  
“Life is a bitch,” she croaked out and Peter laughed hollowly.  
“Feels like it,” he whispered and they stood in silence for a moment. “Wanna go put on a film? I’ll come with tea? And shall we order in?”  
“Yeah, sounds great. Can it be Thai?”  
“Sure. Be there in a mo,” he clapped her on her back and let go.   
Maddie went to her room and changed into her sweatpants and her biggest fluffiest sweater. Peter came in when she put on a random “Friends” episode, putting the two mugs on her bedside table.  
“Food will be in in twenty,” he said, plopping himself down beside her and scooping closer. She curled up against his side, taking the mug.  
“Thanks, love.”  
“No problem.”  
They’ve spent the whole day on the sofa, ending up with another takeaway in the afternoon. Maddie kept zoning out and going back into the previous evening, and how well it was all going till she said the stupid words. Peter kept throwing concerned glances at her, and she tried to smile every time she caught one, but she could say he wasn’t buying it. So they just watched and watched and watched, till the sun went down and then some. Around midnight, Peter stretched and got up.  
“I’ll pop in tomorrow before we leave, yeah?” he asked as she got up, too.  
“Yeah, make sure you do,” she smiled, hugging him. They stayed locked for a moment.  
“Don’t beat yourself up, alright?” he whispered to her ear. “If anything, I’m right behind your wall,” he added with a smile and leant back to look into her face. She nodded, looking into his blue and green eyes.  
“Thanks for coming today.”  
“Thanks for having me, princess. I’ll really miss you.”  
“Oh don’t start. Let’s save the crying for tomorrow.”  
He chuckled and nodded.  
“Goodnight then. Till tomorrow.”  
“Sleep tight pumpkin,” she smiled at him, hanging out of her front door, watching him close his own with a sad smile.  
She fell asleep that night. Who cares if it was when the sun almost went up, right?

“Is it time already?” she asked when she opened the door for Peter.  
“Yep. We are leaving,” he said sadly, pressing his lips firmly together.  
“Oh, dear,” Maddie said and pulled him into a tight embrace. She sometimes felt that hugging was their primary way of spending time. “Take care of yourself there, yeah? Don’t go all in, take your time to settle down-”  
“Thanks, mom,” he chuckled into her hair, but tightened his grip on her.  
“And goodluck. And don’t worry about anything, you are a good lad, you’ll find yourself friends in no time.”  
“How do you call it? Lucky extraverted bastards?”  
“Exactly,” she smiled into his shoulder and felt Peter swinging them from right to left.   
“I’ll miss you a lot, pumpkin,” he said into her hair quietly. “A lot a lot.”  
“Me too. I’ll see when I can come visit once I clear up my schedule, yeah? I should know in a few days.”  
“I’ll be waiting,” she felt him smile again. “You crying yet?”   
“Yep,” she said as the tears came, as if they were waiting for the words to come first. She sobbed, feeling like a wreck for the past week. She’s been crying all the time, hasn’t she?  
“Me too,” he said and sniffed, not letting her go.  
“We are pathetic, aren’t we?”  
“Well, mom always says it’s good when you have somebody to cry with. She said so just now, anyway.”  
“Then we are pathetic and lucky.”  
“Exactly.”  
They stayed embraced for a few long moments, before letting go; Maddie felt empty and cold at once.  
“Text me when you get there, yeah? And we could call when you’ve got time?”  
“Of course,” he winked at her, though his eyes were a tiny bit red. He sniffed, scrunching up his nose cutely.  
“I think you should go. I can’t see you crying,” she mopped at her eyes with her sleeve as he nodded.  
“Well. Take care, princess, and don’t beat yourself up, remember? If anything, you know my number,” he smiled, stepping out onto the landing, clearly not wanting to leave.  
“Yeah, same goes to you. Don’t freak out there, yeah? Call me whenever you need to talk.”  
“Love you, princess,” he took hold of his own door handle and sniffed again, but his eyes were still, thankfully, quite dry. Drier than Maddie’s were, anyway.  
“Love you, pumpkin,” she sobbed one last time before shutting her doors.   
She ran into the kitchen to get some water to calm her sobbing. Marcus was looking at her with his confused little eyes from his place on the kitchen table.  
“It’s just you and me now,” she said to him and scratched his ear. She could hear Peter and his family moving right behind her door, leaving to drive him to college. She took another sip of water, staring out of the window, still crying. She felt so, so lonely.  
She could see the Breakstors shuffling among the cars, carrying suitcases and bags to their own car. Peter gave the house one last fleeting look, waving at her window when he noticed Maddie. She waved back and watched him disappear into the backseat with Marry and Cissy in tow. They drove away, and the quiet and stillness of the room started suffocating Maddie.   
She changed into more presentable clothes, grabbed her keys and made her way to the nearest supermarket. She bought as much food as her weekly budget would allow and carried her bags back to the flat. She spent the day cooking away for the whole week, trying not to think. She would start her last year at uni in a few days, she’ll have less free time now. And with Peter gone, she’d probably have to take more baby-sitting. She’ll be fine.  
Except that she wasn’t. As September arrived, painting everything yellow, Maddie threw herself into her studies like never before, but that didn’t help. So she started to draw again. She drew portraits mainly, using the brightest colours she had. She spent her days at lectures, her afternoons with Mary and Cissy and her evenings either talking to Peter on the phone or drawing, or both. When she wasn’t talking to anyone, she would put on music and sing along, while drawing, and drawing and drawing.   
By the time October arrived she had replaced all the old portraits on her walls. She was pleased to see she hadn’t lost her technique over the summer, when she concentrated more on writing, and never took up a brush after she finished her third year. Now though, the thought of writing petrified her. She tried it a few times back in September, but after she had stared at the white screen for a few hours with no ideas coming through the fog in her head, she decided to give it a break. She’d probably just been writing too much in the last few months, and grew too used to it or something. She didn’t want to admit the real reason.  
She didn’t eat sugar at all; she took to having lunches by the pond near her uni building, watching the swans and munching on her sandwiches. She knew other students were giving her strange, sometimes concerned looks, but she found soon enough that she didn’t have it in herself to care anymore. Her sister told her it will go away; she told her to try and eat more fruit and get her vitamins. Her mom kept asking her if she was alright, every time they FaceTimed, and so Maddie stopped doing that, instead just called her every other evening, never letting the conversation go anywhere near her personal life. She didn’t want her mom to know, that was the thing. She never told her about him in the first place, not knowing why, but she was grateful she didn’t now. Didn’t want her to worry about her.   
No wonder she enjoyed talking to Peter most; they called almost every day and talked for hours and hours. It was like watching a TV-show, she thought one day, watching white swans graze the grey water, that reflected the sky. He would tell her of his new friends, of his roommates, of the subjects, of how he went to the drama club and how his footy coach loved him. And she would imagine his life in her head, and then tell him about hers. Their long conversations made her feel grounded somehow; like she was still Maddie Lynwood, she still had her job and her best friend, and she could do this. She could get over a stupid boy. Only sometimes it felt like she couldn’t.  
Sometimes she laid on her sofa for hours with her phone turned off, not wanting to pretend to be alright anymore, not wanting to talk or to hear even Peter. She would just lay on her sofa and stare at the ceiling, till Marcus would wake up from his place by her side and nudge his little nose to her hand or cheek. And then she would unglue her eyes from the ceiling, drag herself into the kitchen, give him food, grab something for herself and finally turn on the phone. When it happened for the first time, she got a shit ton of missed calls from Peter and even more texts, starting from concerned and morphing into angry ones like,  
“you don’t do it, alrght? where are you for god’s sake?!”  
“i swear i’m gonna call mom so she comes and checks if you are there if you dont answer me”  
“MADDIE!!!!”  
She smiled at them, feeling needed again. She texted him,  
“i’m here, pumpkin, don’t worry:)”  
“thank FUCK. you alright??? wanna call?”  
“no, i’ll just have an early night. I’ll call you tomorrow, yeah? don’t worry xx”  
“okay… don’t do anything stupid, alright?”  
“promise! love you, good night”  
“love u too. night”  
When it happened again though, she found only a few texts:  
“is it your new thing now? you gonna disappear every few weeks?”  
“alright, i get it, u need it. just tell me ahead of time next time? so i won’t go grey sooner than i have to.”  
“and text me as soon as you read it”  
And so she did, and he understood. He got used to her slipping off radars every so often, and didn’t freak out as much. He would just tell her to go buy a takeaway every time she texted him back, since she didn’t eat chocolate anymore. She’d smile at the words. Words that were somehow so much more caring than some people were. She hated how fragile she had become; she was always so strong before; or at least she thought she was. But, life is a bitch. She should put it on her door, probably. Because it was perfectly true.


	12. Chapter 12

It took him so fucking long.  
Juls still hoped Maddie would pop in during lunch time on Thursday, but then he remembered she wanted to spend time with her friend. Then he hoped for Friday, and foolishly so, because she didn’t come that day either. The thing is, he didn’t even know what he would have said to her had she come. So, maybe, it was all for the best.  
Only it wasn’t. The days stretched into weeks, and still no sign of Maddie. He found himself bored out of his mind on his lunch breaks now. He didn’t have her rambling to occupy his mind, he didn’t have his gran to call. Neil was not an option either, what with his new relationship. Juls was even thinking of quitting on their Friday pints, because the only thing Neil seemed to care about these days was his love life.  
But why did she get offended? No, really, she couldn’t have expected him to feel the same way, could she? It’s not like he owes her anything. He never expressed anything but friendship, right?   
Juls didn’t know. By the time October approached he didn’t know anything, and his solitude was driving him mad. He always thought he got it; always though being alone was a blessing and not a burden. But as painful as it was to admit, he needed people, and as the days went on and on he found himself thinking about one specific person.  
He seemed to think about her all the time: at work, at lunches, when walking Sirius, when cooking his meals. He wasn’t miserable, he was just very, very confused. Because, see, he started feeling things. It happened gradually, bit by bit, until one October evening he realised he was experiencing proper emotion. Only he couldn’t exactly put his finger on it. It’s like the foam inside, which made him company for the last few months now, was slowly melting, and this little fire or whatever it was in the pit of his stomach burned brighter and brighter, leaving him hollow, yet feeling. It was quite strange, but that fire thing was the best comparison he could come up with. Maddie would probably word it better, he thought.  
This little feeling that creeped its way into his body and then life made him sometimes pace his room, sometimes stare at the walls, Sirius’ eyes on him, as if he was a big fat mouse and Sirius was a hungry cat. If dogs could look judgemental and confused, he probably would be both. And hungry. Did Juls feed him today even?  
They went out for a walk on Halloween, Sirius dragging him places, excited by the differently dressed people. The only thing he could do was run after him to keep up; he felt like he was on the other end of the leash. They ran fast and straight into a bush, till Juls finally managed to dig his heels into the ground and stop them.  
“Listen, mate, calm down, yeah?” he muttered to his dog. He didn’t seem to care though. “Sirius!” Juls yelled as he dragged him further among the trees.  
“Sirius?” a kid said from behind him. Juls turned when his madman (maddog?) of a dog deemed a patch of dead grass interesting. A small child was staring at him. His costume made Juls smile. He was looking at a miniature Harry Potter.  
“Excited to meet you uncle, eh?” he smiled and tugged the dog towards him, the boy timidly stepping closer. “Come on, don’t be afraid, Sirius is harmless,” he said as the boy reached out a hand and stroked Sirius, the latter closing his eyes at the contact. The boy was very similar to Harry, actually; he had green eyes, and black hair, and somebody drew on him a scar. Damn it.  
Juls straightened up and both eyes, Sirius’ and the boy’s followed him, one confused, one frightened.  
“Sorry, we need to go,” he muttered and pulled Sirius along with him, which took quite an effort.   
Juls couldn’t believe he was doing it, but he was doing it. He couldn’t take a bus with Sirius, so he walked and walked and walked, which seemed to take hours; he probably should have dropped the dog at his flat and then use the Tube or something. Doesn’t matter. He finally reached the building and started climbing stairs two at a time, Sirius behind him panting.  
“Come on, you fat bollocks,” he muttered and stopped in front of the door.   
Maddie opened almost at once. When he saw her, his whole hollowness seemed to jump. It was like looking into a sun once again, just like he felt the very first time. But after a second of staring, he saw her surprised face contort with feeling and saw what she was about to do before she’s even done it, and so he stamped his foot between her and the door, holding the door with his hands for good measure. Sirius was exploring the landing.   
“Madds, no, please, listen.”  
“Why?” she shrieked and he noticed that she looked bad. Her dracula hair was back, her clothes and her face was stained with colours, blues, greens and yellows; she had dark circles under her eyes and seemed to be much thinner than he remembered her.  
“Please, just five minutes of your time. Please.”  
“Oh, just five minutes? You think you can explain your shit for me in just five minutes?” she folded her arms and glared at him. Juls swallowed loudly. He didn’t really expect this reaction.  
“Please?”  
When she didn’t budge, he added:  
“You know it’s as good a chance as any to talk now. Don’t be silly, Madds?” he tried to smile, but she just flared up more.  
“I don’t owe you a talk!” she yelled and Juls felt Sirius stop in his exploration. “And that’s not how you talk to people, Juls! I’m not your business partner, alright?” she was throwing her arms in all possible directions, which, paired with her look, made her look mad.  
“Right,” he said and for a while they just stared at each other, Maddie heaving deeply, Juls frozen. She was still standing with her arms outstretched, where she finished yelling at him. She didn’t seem to notice though, she was glaring at him with such pain and hatred, it made Juls want to run away. “I’m scared of you,” he said and Maddie was so confused she dropped her arms and forgot to look angry.  
“Why?” she asked quietly, and Juls finally saw his Maddie.  
“Can we talk? Please?”  
“Alright. Come on in,” she stepped back and nodded for them to enter.  
“You sure?”  
“Might as well. Sirius looks hungry,” she didn’t wait for them to close the doors, just went into the kitchen. Juls took his jacket and shoes off and followed her, Sirius hot on his heels.  
“Will he eat cat food? I don’t have meat,” she said, looking skeptical at the contents of her fridge.  
“Might as well,” Juls shrugged with a small smile, and Maddie threw him another glare. She crouched down and waved Sirius closer, letting him sniff something from her palm. Sirius sneezed and Maddie jumped. “Erm, sorry,” Juls sat down on his hinges, so that he was level with Maddie now, and stroked Sirius’ head. Maddie stood up at once and walked to the opposite end of the kitchen. “Maybe you have biscuits? He eats them, too.”  
“I don’t have sweets, no,” she said somewhat defensively, folding her arms and looking away.  
“You don’t?” he echoed stupidly.  
“No,” she still wouldn’t look at him. Juls stood up and straightened his flannel unnecessarily. “Right, forget him. Erm,” he ran a hand through his hair, trying to come up with a plan. He probably should have done it on his way here, had plenty of time. But it didn’t seem to matter now, because all his thoughts escaped him. He was blank. “Shit, I don’t know what to say,” he admitted and looked at Maddie. She rolled her eyes, but still didn’t look his way. “Will you please look at me at least?”  
She turned and he wished she hadn't. Maddie was raw, that was the word. She was the one to wear her heart out on her sleeve. He could literally see the emotion bubbling inside her eyes, like some sort of potion, and he didn’t know whether it was poison or cure. He swallowed.  
“Right. I’m sorry,” was the first thing he said and she just raised an eyebrow.  
“Obviously.”  
“No, really. I shouldn’t have behaved like that, but, Madds, no, listen,” he added for she started walking out of the kitchen. “Listen to me,” he grabbed her wrist and she stopped. He let it go immediately and she turned to him, so much closer now, and her intensity scared him even more. She folded her arms and stared at him once again.  
“I’m all ears,” she said calmly, but he noticed that she was gripping the fabric of her sweater very tightly.  
“Thanks. Right, so. I’m sorry, as I said. But, I don’t know how I should have behaved. I, you know how I am with feelings-”  
“It doesn’t excuse you from being a dickhead.”  
“But, Madds, how was I supposed to respond?”  
“Oh, I don’t know, do I!” she yelled again and flailed her arms around once more. “Then you shouldn’t have been so affectionate in the first place! So I wouldn’t fall for it!”  
“But I didn’t know I was affectionate!” he shouted back. “I’m telling you I’m shit at reading emotions and feeling them, you know that perfectly well!”  
“Oh, right, now let’s go and hurt people left, right and center, because I’m an emotionless git, who doesn’t give a shit about others!”  
“But I do! I do give a shit about you!”  
“You do, do you? Why did it take you two bloody months to come here, then?”  
“Because I didn’t understand it at first, alright? It took time to understand what I was feeling! And today I saw that kiddo with a Harry Potter scar, and I remembered how you drew it on my forehead, remember? And so it just clicked and I came here.”  
“So if it wasn’t for a random kid, you wouldn’t even come here? I’ve had enough.”  
“No, stop, stop! Listen! It doesn’t matter why I came today, alright?”  
“Says who? You? Who doesn’t-”  
“I do, Madds!” he yelled the loudest yet and it seemed to take her aback. At least now she listened. “I missed you like mad. I never felt this shitty before,” he said more calmly, his voice sounding too high for his liking. Maddie looked very emotional, but not angry. She looked sad, somehow. “I don’t know what to do with myself now. I just- I just spend my evenings staring at the walls, thinking about you. I thought at first that I missed our friendship. And I do miss that, too, but I never thought this way about Neil, you know? Like I don’t give a shit if I see him this week or next month. But I did crave your company. Ever since your birthday I’ve just been empty. It was slow to build, the feeling, but I kind of feel hollow, you know? I guess I’m afraid to feel, like- like, I don’t know what it is. I think when you try new food, you know, no matter how people say tasty it is, you are still a bit anxious? And sometimes you can even chose not to feel the taste, just in case it’s awful. But- but I think it’s worth it to feel the taste, sometimes, on the off chance that you’ll like it.”  
He finished, never breaking the eye contact, and noticed now that she stood still, and somehow, miraculously, he could make out the girl that walked into the bookshop all those months ago. He didn’t see the dracula hair, didn’t see the hollow cheeks or the dark circles. He saw the same light behind those eyes, that light that made you feel dazzled just by looking into it. But he didn’t look away; not when she was staring at him with so much feeling. He saw her gather herself and school her expression into something calmer. At least it wasn’t angry anymore.  
“So what dish would that be?” she asked, her voice controlled.  
“Excuse me?”  
“You said about trying new tastes. What dish am I? The awful curry you bought that day?”  
“What, no, of course not. I don’t know yet,” he said slowly, confused. The he smiled. “But you look a bit like a cake,” he added quietly and dropped his gaze, his hand on the back of his neck. He heard her snort and looked up to see her hiding a smile.  
“Right,” she said and looked down, biting on her lip. “So what do you suggest we do then?”  
“I- I dunno?”  
She gave him another glare and he gathered himself.  
“Sorry. Erm. We could- if you want to, that is. We could try and build it back up? I know it’s all fucked up royally, but I would be really glad if we could at least meet at lunch times again?”  
“And then?”  
“Well, if that works out, we could try going out together?”  
“As friends?” she squinted at him.  
“Ehh,” he stumbled and she squinted more, “no. As a couple. If you want to. And then we could see if we work that way, and then see the way ahead from there? What do you think?”  
“Sounds like a plan to me,” she shrugged, without a smile, though her eyes looked as kind as ever now.  
“Right. So I should probably get going? You got classes tomorrow, right?”  
“Yep,” she waited for him to step into the hallway, and followed, Sirius right behind them.  
“Erm. Would you- Would you like to spend your lunch time with me then? We could go to a cafe if you don’t want to come to the bookshop?”  
“No, it’s alright, I’ll pop in as- as usual,” she finished and looked down.  
“Right. I’ll buy some cakes then? If you still want sweets?”  
“Sure.”  
“Well, bye, Madds. Good luck at you lectures tomorrow,” he said, feeling extremely awkward, and pushed the door open. Sirius slipped out, but Juls hovered on the threshold.  
“Thanks, you too,” she looked up again and Juls gave her a small smile. She smiled back. “See you tomorrow?” she asked.  
“Good night,” Juls stepped out.  
“Take care,” she nodded and closed the doors.  
* * *  
Juls kept fiddling with his hands and throwing glances at the clock, where the hands approached twelve. He glanced at his table, where he assembled what he hadn’t seen there in a long while: two slices of the blueberry cheesecake and two steaming cups of tea. The sight equally comforted and worried him.   
The doors opened and Maddie walked in, looking her usual sunny self, and he could spot her yellow cardigan underneath the opened coat.  
“Hey,” he smiled, feeling relief run through his veins.  
“Hello,” she smiled back. Juls gestured to the table awkwardly.  
“So how was your day?” he asked, hungry for normalcy. Maddie plopped down onto the stool, having placed her coat on the hanger by the door first.  
“Alright. Though the weather is getting shitty, isn’t it?”  
“Since when do you swear?”  
She shrugged, but smiled, and took her slice.  
“That’s a nice cake,” she said simply and Juls nodded, having nothing else to do.  
“I thought you liked it,” he added, when she didn’t say anything. They fell into awkward silence, like he feared. So he spoke: “Hey, Madds, I thought, what if, maybe, if you want to-”  
“Out with it,” she said and he breathed.  
“Right, sorry. So I thought, maybe you would like to go for a walk with me this Saturday morning?”  
“Morning?” she raised her eyebrows.  
“Yeah. It’s really nice, you know; walking around the city early, especially on Saturday, when there is even smaller chance of meeting people.”  
“Ever the introvert you are,” she chuckled.  
“So?” he asked, with a hopeful smile.  
“Okay. What time do you usually go?”  
“Erm… about eight, but if it is too early, we could go later. Whatever suits you best.”  
“No, eight o’clock sound good for me.”  
“Alright. So I- I’ll pick you up then?”  
“Sure,” she smiled and took a sip of her tea.  
“How is Peter, by the way?” he asked, so as not to fall into silence again. He had enough of it for the last two months, thank you very much.  
“Oh, he is getting by fine. Signed up for the drama club and the footy team. Happy days,” she shrugged and gave him another smile. Juls nodded.  
“Nice. Are you going to go visit him?”  
“Well, I dunno actually. We wanted to meet up before he comes home for Christmas, but I’ve been busy,” she looked away and he noticed her blush.  
“Right. He should be back soon anyway, right?”  
“Yep. A bit more than a month. So really, I can handle it.”  
“You miss him?”  
“Well, we talk on the phone almost every day, so. How have you been? How is Neil?”  
“Oh, he is alright, he is. Drove me nuts, actually.”  
“Really? How come?”  
“His go-to topic is Anna, his girlfriend; he only talks about her, or about what they did over the weekend. I was so fed up.”  
“So they good now?”  
“Yep. They actually live together now.”  
“Oh. Nice.”  
There was another silence, but then they both opened their mouths to speak at the same time, and both shut them.  
“You go,” Juls said.  
“No, go ahead, my question was stupid.”  
“Come on.”  
“Erm, alright, I just wanted to ask how Sirius has been.”  
“Oh. He is alright. Was tired yesterday though, I don’t think he likes me anymore.”  
“Really? Why?”  
“Well, I couldn’t really take him on a bus on my way to you yesterday, so we walked all the way. I didn’t really mind, but he did.”  
“You walked?”  
“Yeah. I like walking, so. Gave me time to clear my head. Not that it really helped.”  
Maddie snorted and Juls looked at her. She continued to smile.  
“I really wish it wasn’t so awkward,” Juls said and Maddie nodded.  
“Yeah, me too. But I think when we get back on track it’ll be alright.”  
“I really hope it will be.”  
“So what was your question?”  
“Oh. I just wanted to ask if you wrote anything new? Maybe you want me to look over it?”  
Maddie just shook her head, biting her lips.  
“Not really. I drew mostly.”  
“Oh, okay. What did you draw then?”  
“Portraits,” she shrugged and sipped at her tea again, clutching the cup with both hands. She looked quite lovely, he thought.  
“Nice. And whom do you portray then? Random people?”  
“Well, no, usually the actors I like or the musicians. Sometimes if I see a passer-by I really like the look of I may snap a picture and try to draw them. But that happened virtually twice.”  
“And who should they be to catch your eye? The passers-by, I mean.”  
“Well, I saw a girl once, with violet hair in two plaids. She was fun to draw. And then there was this old, old man in a cap.”  
“What was special about him?”  
“I dunno. I suppose his eyes were very alife for such an old face. Like his hair was all white and wispy, his face lined, he was walking with a stick, but his eyes were very bright. I usually saw that old people’s eyes get a bit pale, you know?”  
“True. Maybe he wore contact lenses? Or was a youngster in disguise?”  
She chuckled.  
“No, I don’t think so. I met him in a cafe, actually, and we talked for a bit. He was a sociology professor.”  
“Oh. Nice. Was it our local uni?”  
“Yep, but I’ve never seen him on campus. Though he said he gave very few lectures, like one or two a week, so that’s probably why.”  
“You know how they say that clever people usually keep their sanity longer?”  
“How does it connect to the eyes though?” she raised an eyebrow, amusedly.  
“Well, you know. I guess the clearer your mind is, the brighter the eyes,” he felt blush finding its way onto his cheeks at the words and looked down.  
“You alright?” he heard a smile in her words.  
“Yeah, sorry. Just, your eyes are quite bright,” he shrugged still not looking up.  
“Oh,” she paused. “Should I take it as a compliment?”  
“Is it a compliment?” he frowned and looked at her. Maddie shrugged.  
“We don’t know.”  
He chuckled, feeling more at ease than he did when she just came in.  
“I remember thinking you were too bright to look at, when we only met.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“Well, you are kind of very open with your emotions.”  
“I guess you could say that about anyone,” she snorted. “But, yeah, I am. Mom says that’s what gets me into trouble, most of the times.”  
“Well, you know, the other end of the spectrum ain’t that good either,” Juls shrugged, and his words made Maddie laugh. He watched her eyes crinkle up, her smile changing her face, her hand coming up to cover her mouth. He reveled at the sight for a bit, before looking away.  
“What a match.”   
“True.”  
“Well, I guess I’ll be going,” she stood up. “Thanks for the tea and the cheesecakes.”  
“No problem. Thanks for coming. Felt nice not having my lunch alone.”  
“Same. Well, I’ll see you tomorrow?”  
“Yeah, right. I’ll get us an apple crumble, shall I?”  
“Sure, Juls, whatever floats your boat.”  
They smiled at each other and Juls felt a foreign warmth in his stomach at the sound of his name. After Maddie left, he wondered, why in the world did every one of his numbered feelings came from his stomach?


	13. Chapter 13

He stood in front of her doors at eight o’clock sharp that Saturday morning. It was nice outside; it was chilly, but the sun had already risen, and the sky was clear, the fog coating everything, making it look like a scene from a fairytale.  
Juls exhaled sharply and knocked on the door. Ringing felt too intrusive in the morning silence. Maddie opened almost at once, just like on that Monday night five days ago.  
“Good morning,” he said. “Ready?”  
“Yep. Is it cold out? Should I wear a scarf?”  
“Yeah, you’d better. The winter is quite close, you know.”  
“Alright,” she wrapped her neck in a big dark green scarf, the rest of her covered in a long coat.  
“Shall we?” Juls nodded at the stairs behind him.  
“You didn’t bring Sirius with you then?” she asked as they started down the steps.  
“I don’t think I could wake him up that early. Plus he probably wouldn’t like to walk for a few hours first thing in the morning.”  
She chuckled.  
“I s’pose. Did you take a bus then?”  
“Yeah, couldn’t be arsed to wake up at six.”  
“So where are we heading to then?”  
“Well, you have a park not far from here. Remember I met you there with Peter? I go there sometimes with Sirius actually. That is, when I can arse him to walk all the way.”  
“Alright.”  
“And we could get coffee? Do you know if there are any good coffee shops here somewhere?”  
“Yeah, there is one on the corner. Here it is,” she pointed at a small shop, and Juls nodded, heading there.  
They got their drinks — Maddie chose hot chocolate and he took latte — and walked out, heading for the park.  
“Didn’t take you for the latte type,” she said.  
“Really? What did you think I drank then? Virgin blood?”  
“Well, something like that, yeah.”  
“Sorry to disappoint you.”  
“Well, you know, you look more like an espresso type of guy.”  
“Just because I wear glasses.”  
“Maybe,” she smiled and they entered the dark park. The trees there were so thick that the weak autumn sun struggled to make its way through. Their breath was creating little puffy clouds in front of them, and Maddie’s hair seemed to be curling more than usual because of the mist. “And do you do it often, then?” she asked, and he shook his head, returning his thoughts into the conversation and away from her hair.  
“Do what? Sorry, I missed it.”  
“Walk in the mornings, I mean. I thought you were the one to sleep in?”  
“No, actually, I wake up early on my own every day. I guess it’s a habit. But I don’t really have an alarm clock.”  
“Wow. I wish I didn’t have to.”  
“Well, it’s not that fun. Sometimes I wake up as if on alarm, but it’s like my body, you know? So no matter when I go to sleep, I always wake up no later than seven.”  
“Oh. That should suck?”  
“Well, I’m used to it. I just love mornings, so I try to do something nice at that time.”  
“Nice.”  
“And what about you? You like to stay up late?”  
“Well, yeah. It’s just usually if I draw or something I do it in the evening, after uni and babysitting. And then I just kinda carry on into the night, I guess.”  
“Have you ever tried drawing in the morning?”  
“No, not really.”  
“You should. I used to be like that. At uni I used to write late into the night, but then it was hard to be at lectures and stuff. So I tried waking up a few hours earlier instead and ended up writing more.”  
“But isn’t your brain exhausted after a morning writing session?”  
“Not really. I love writing.”  
“Do you write now?”  
“Nope. Fell out of the habit, I guess.”  
“Can I read something of yours some time in the future?”  
“Sure. I’ll be glad to hear your opinion, actually,” he said.  
“Well, with the amount of remarks you made on mine, I expect it to be perfect.”  
“Then I’m doomed,” he laughed breathily.  
“What? Your writing isn’t perfect?” she made a scandalized face, which made him chuckle.  
They talked on and on, until the mist rose completely. Juls kept stealing glances at Maddie, wondering if she was always so pretty. Why hadn't he noticed that before? The way her hair fell into soft waves around her face, the way her cheeks got rosy when she laughed, the way that dimple appeared on her right cheek when she smiled sincerely — all that made him want to look more and more, and he supposed that what all the fuss was about, right?  
They’ve been sitting on a bench overlooking the pond for the last hour, talking about nothing and everything, just like two months ago. They fell into a pleasant silence at some point, both just gazing over the smooth water.  
“It is really pretty here, isn’t it?” Maddie said quietly, as if afraid that loud words would disturb the stillness of the pond.  
“Yeah, it is. Very calm. I like this place a lot,” he answered just as quietly and glanced at Maddie, to find her already looking back. It was nearing ten o’clock, the sun was really up now, and even in the shadow of the trees where they sat, her eyes still caught little blicks of it. “I like your eyes,” he smiled, and saw her lips stretch into a smile too.  
“Have you ever kissed, Juls?” she asked, no judgement or amusement in her tone, only interest.  
“Nope,” he said and glanced at her lips once again, feeling that warmth in his stomach, like he did every time she said his name.  
“Did you ever want to try?” she asked, still quiet, still calm, still smiling softly.  
“Shouldn’t it be I proposing a kiss?” he smiled.  
“Yes or no?” she asked, but not unkindly.  
“I can’t really well say no to you, Madds,” he shrugged and she chuckled.  
“Alright. Then I think we should stand up?” she raised to her feet and stretched her hand towards him. He stood up beside her, taking her hand in his.  
“Well, you lead now,” he said.  
“Right. Just try to repeat after me, yeah? No judgement,” she smiled encouragingly, and Juls thought for a moment how outright pathetic it was to have your first kiss at twenty five.  
“Right, repeat, don’t judge,” he echoed. Maddie chuckled and stepped closer. They looked at each other for a bit, then Juls raised an eyebrow.  
“Shit, this is awkward,” she muttered and pulled him in, bringing their lips together.  
She let go of his hand and put both of her hands into his hair, so he put them gently on her waist, because that was how it was done in the films. Her lips were very soft and tasted of chocolate, and Juls thought that he couldn’t, really, ask for a more perfect first kiss. Maddie pulled away after a beat or two, but didn't step back. Instead, she smiled and dropped her hands to his shoulders, growing strangely smaller, until Juls realised she had to stand on her toes in the first place.  
“Alright?” she asked.  
“Quite nice, yeah,” he smiled. “Can I have some more?”  
“Look at you,” she muttered before reaching up again.   
She was warm and soft and everything he thought he missed for the last two months, or maybe even longer. Only that it took him so long to realize.


End file.
